kinda feeling down type of day
I was stuck in this exact mindset for 38 yrs. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have a childhood full of many forms of abuse. the best way to describe it is id say "I'm easily forgetable and there is nothing I do or contribute with any lasting effects that is deserving of being remembered by someone good or bad." I truly believed my absence would not matter and I'm married to a man who adores me for 13+ yrs and have a 12 yr old daughter. I felt that my absence would actually be a benefit to my husband and daughter. Then he could find someone with less damage as me who could be a mom that my daughter deserves that won't screw her up. When anyone struggles with a deeply ingrained belief that they are unworthy usually formed from some sort of trauma they experienced more people need to be aware that this sense of no worth is hard wired in their brain. when its to that level of ingrained you respond on autopilot having completely believed and identified with and accepted that you don't matter, you are forgotten as quickly as you are seen. This is su h a dark damaging belief to identify with. It's very hard to retrain your brain and rewire your thinking. so many I see are accused of seeking attention and labeled dramatic or etc and dismissed or minimized but I'm proof that you are capable of doing it but only with trained help. Thru healthy supportive friendships where over time I saw my value in their eyes, genuine devastation on their face and I. their tears at the mere thot of my absence in their life and I found in my mid 30s as well as a strong faith in God and an amazing christian counselor who is invested in me I finally stopped being obsessed with the desire to just go away when in my darkest points. I could no longer truthfully say I didn't matter. This was a huge breakthrough for me. sorry for the long post but I. could see thru alot of your quotes possibly that same ingrained belief and wanted to let you know there is hope but you have to fight for it! i hope I won't offend by telling you ill be praying for you. take care!