Life as a god and a godess can be difficult. I know because I’ve asked both sides of the party and all they did was bicker for twenty minutes like a group of old farts. Their breath made me lose my appetite. But it didn’t matter because last night before I went to sleep, or from what I was aware of during my sleep, I was greeted by the gods and demons of the bravado ring. Turns out it was like an old 1940s bar and a semi retirement home from modern day for those who are too tired to grant wishes and slay the ones who were in danger in the real world. It was a strange calling really. You know when someone calls your phone and the ID says it’s unknown and just for fun you answer it and say something like, “It’s complete. There’s blood everywhere, but the job’s done” or something on the lines of it? Actually the more quick and easy way would be to yell, “Wazzup!” and then hang up. Anyway, I made the mistake of doing that before going to bed last night. And then, I was somewhere else.
From what I could remember there were at least six of them, three gods, and three demons. I looked at the table they were sitting at, and they were playing poker with tarot cards. I thought to myself, is this a new card game I don’t know about? They were playing with cards with people inside of them along with a symbol. They ate, drank, and laughed until I walked closely up to them and they stopped and stared at me.
“Ah, great.” one of them said, “We got another one. Hey, Herby, didn’t you lock the doors, or somethin’?”
“Wait” another one said, “Don’t tell me you answered your phone to an unknown call?”
I was afraid to respond, but I knew I wasn’t really in this strange realm full of half naked figures who are good at some legal philosophical departments, and I froze knowing that they have read my mind even when I didn't feel my phone in my pocket. So I said, “Uhh, yeah.” One of them laughed and said they used a card with my picture on the card to block a higher card. Lucky for me, I guess?
“So, uh, do you want a wish or something, kiddo?” One of the gods asked.
I said, “Well, wishes hardly work and I rarely believe in them, so uhh..”
“That’s why you need a better, more efficient wish, buddy!” one of the gods interrupted with horns sticking out of their heads. “Watcha want, I got some stuff you could use in your bitter life. You can’t pick the obvious ones like money, fame, or a bigger dick. Those are all sold out at the moment.”
One of the gods said, “How about something faithful, something worth living with, like an education, a human mentor for your troubles, a poor black child from Dubai whom you can raise? What say you, son?”
A few seconds past and the gods from both the heavens and hell below started yelling at each other over me at the table. Finally, I screamed out loud, “Enough already! I’m only here by chance and for a limited amount of time, so…”
Finally I said, “Why don’t we have some ice cream and talk about how life is so cliche and funny?” This wish was the oddest wish and normally they wouldn’t allow humans to join their table. Finally, they nodded at each other and one of them said, “Sounds good, son!”
Images were flowing by real quickly and we ended up freezing the entire sauna/bar/retirement home, whatever and we were laughing and exchanging expressions and thoughts, and this was the best time I’ve had with legendary gods and demons.
That’s when the goddesses showed up.
They came from the hair salon, and fitness center with their hellhounds and flying angel cats and they broke the fun between us. They were furious with the males about how they were supposed to be home early and not out late and they were downright scary. However, they took notice of me and they apologized for having my soul here. Then the whole “apologizing thing” lead to curiosity and excitement for the six goddesses. Some wanted me to dress me up, gossip, say prayers, and in the middle of all of it, I lost my shirt somewhere. I don’t know how it happened, but one of the goddesses knew. Once the gods saw this, they wanted me to join the again at the table and not be bothered by their wives. And of course, the gods and goddesses argued at one another like married people.
I snuck out and I saw Hideo Kojima’s face smiling at me from outside the sauna/bar/retirement home or whatever, and he said, “Did you like it?” in perfect English. And I woke up.
And this is why I never go to dinner parties with couples.