As someone who plays a ton of games -- who also happens to be someone who hates Valentine's Day [due to medical reasons] -- I decided that it was my job to inform the public on the worst video game related Valentine's Day cards ever made. Some of you will look at them and think, "But Paul, they're kayoooot" and I'll look back at you and say, "Fix you're goddamn head you silly moose. They're all real patronizing and if I received any one of these I'd blow a goddamn gasket you frail oak tree."
Anyway, let's get down to business. Here are some Valentine's Day cards you should probably eat and swallow instead of give to an actual living being. Also included with each image is the way I would most likely react to them.
OMG. SO CLEVER BECAUSE YOU TURN ON A VIDEO GAME SYSTEM AND ALSO PEOPLE CAN BE TURNED ON SEXUALLY [GROSS]. GOOD JOB SIGNIFICANT OTHER, YOU TOLD ME SOMETHING THAT THE PERSON YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH TELLS YOU EVERY NIGHT.
Oh! A Legend of Zelda reference! You must have looked long and hard for this one! Man, I am so impressed by your skill at Internet! And just so you know, I came into this world alone and I plan to leave that way. It's not that dangerous you hairy centipede.
OH HELLO MEMETOWN, POPULATION US.
I hope you got us a great table at Chuck Testa's restaurant and maybe we can go to a show afterwards. You know the one, starring that squirrel on jet skis. And then after that we can go stomp on some grapes and then fall down because
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OH MY GOD WHY AM I DATING YOU.
Yes. I do. Of course. Why wouldn't I want to be your "number 2"? Wouldn't you want to be your significant other's "number 2"? Wouldn't you want to be considered lower than the person you're dating? Wouldn't you want to be considered optional (as most two-player modes are)? Of course you would! Because where's the appeal in feeling like you're equal in your relationship? RIGHT? RIGHT.
Oh. Wow. Portal? A Portal card... I... I actually really like this one. You must've went through a lot making this card for me and is... is that cake on the plate? I thought the cake was a lie! It's not a lie? I'm so pleased to know that you actually care about me and my interests. I...
AM JUST KIDDING WHY ARE YOU PANDERING TO THE THINGS I LIKE?
That doesn't make me happy. You know, I'm more than an idiot who plays video games. Sometimes I read books by McCarthy, DeLillo, and Currie. Or I watch films directed by Kurosawa, Bergman, and Truffaut. Or I paint or make music. But nope, you see that I got a PS4 in my bedroom and you think I'm some asshole who only knows video games.
What if I bought you a bunch of junk based on one thing you're interested in? Oh, you like horses? WELL YOU ONLY GET HORSE POSTERS FROM NOW ON AND I'M GOING TO CALL YOU A HORSER AND TUNE OUT EVERY TIME YOU TALK ABOUT THIS ONE THING BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A GOOD PARTNER.
Get to know me and get me a card or a gift that's meaningful. Not just some dumb rotting-wood grub you think I might like. Geez.