Their floor isn’t near as comfy as your hotel bed; however, while your back wasn’t happy the rest of your body seemed to be perfectly fine with the situation. The night before last, you figured out that if Namjoon slept on his side and not his back, he didn’t snore as loudly if at all. This found you waking up on the floor amid seven male bodies, two of which were wrapped around you. This situation, was heaven and hell. If you could merge both guys into one, life would be absolutely perfect; but you couldn’t and your biggest fear was that by deciding between them, you would lose one.
You must have moved or made some sort of noise as a moment later a quiet, halted voice in English started. “This is hard, for them too. Never seen them this way, is good and bad. I think one would handle better and nothing change, hurt but could do. So pick other.” You open your eyes to see Suga sitting up on the other side next to Taehyung, he is looking over at you, waiting for you to acknowledge what he just said. Your eyes meet, he nods, gets up and heads out of the room. Arms tighten around you from behind, and a kiss drops on top of your head. Nothing is said, no words are necessary, but you know that he also heard what Suga said.
Your mind starts in thinking about leaving in a few hours. The last ten days, while not perfect, had been the best in your life. Your articles had been fun to write, hard to research, filled with your emotion, and those of the Army that followed these guys. Knowing that at the end of the day, someone was going to be there waiting for you, was an uplifting and amazing feeling. Could you really go home to America and leave your heart and soul here in Korea? Did you really know enough about the culture, let alone the language, that you could honestly stay here? You close your eyes to the torment of your thoughts, a few tears sneaking out to roll down your cheeks, and letting them so you didn’t have to move.
Within a few minutes, you start to hear movement from all sides, it’s time to get up and get moving before the room is fully awake. Awkward wouldn’t even begin to explain how you’d feel if each of them stared over at the three of you before heading in their own directions. There are some things that are better when left in private. You put your hands on Tae’s arms and start to shift, Namjoon rolls onto his back and puts the arm that had been around you under his head. His moving allows you to try to maneuver. Just as you think you’ve untangled yourself and not woken up Taehyung, the arm that held you slides up under your chin to stroke. Taehyung sits up, trying to wake himself up, but instead ends up just wrapping his arms around his knees and resting his head there. All of you are feeling the day and adding their feelings to yours is not going to make it any easier.
You snag your suitcase and head to a bathroom to get ready for the day long trip. At least you will gain a day heading home; that should help with the jet lag. While getting ready you make the first decision in your line of multiple ones, you decide they aren’t coming to the airport. You will say your goodbye’s here when Jimin and Ken come to pick you up. It won’t make it easier on you, but you’re hoping it will make it easier on them and that they get called with a schedule for the day.
When you emerge from the bathroom, you can smell someone cooking; the blankets and pillows, small TV are all gone, as well as the bodies. You set your bag by the front door and wander in to the kitchen to see if you can help. You aren’t really sure you can handle breakfast, especially not the swallowing part; but no one said you couldn’t help get it ready for everyone else. Jin looks up with a tired smile and another wave of guilt hits you as you realize that all these guys sacrificed a good nights sleep, sleeping on the floor, in order to support their friends the night before. Bodies wander in and out of the room in various forms of readiness for the day, you try and focus on the system they have together, your last blog post. Everyone has wandered through the room except for Namjoon and Taehyung. It seems as though they are avoiding not only the situation, but you as well. Breakfast is on the table but many seats remain empty. You go around to each member and give them a smile and a hug goodbye. Suga is the last and instead he takes you by the wrist and pulls you in to an empty bedroom. He leaves you there and a few minutes later Namjoon and Taehyung walk in.
You all attempt to smile but it doesn’t quite work for any of you. In a tremulous voice you ask the question that has plagued you for days, “Why does this feel like the end end? Like neither of you will ever speak to me again?”
“I don’t know,” Namjoon starts, “that’s not going to happen but yeah, it feels that way.”
You nod, take a deep breath, straighten up, “I wish things could go back to when I first got here, when my biggest fear was that you’d both hate me and think I was a creeper. I didn’t create this situation and I told you I couldn’t pick between you, but you pushed it anyway. Is it better if I just leave and cut off all ties? I don’t think there’s a way to go back to what it once was.” You swipe away the tears as you look from one to the other, they look just as lost as you.
“We didn’t think it hard, only good to meet and touch, you know?” Tae starts, you can tell he’s been trying to find the words in English. Namjoon is still staring at the floor. “I am sorry but not sorry, too happy to regret, too sad to let go.”
He walks over to you, cups your face in his hands and swipes at your tears with his thumbs. He is ignoring the few tears that have escaped his own eyes. “Please do not cut ties, Sapid. Is good for singer to have pain for songs, but that pain would wound me too much. I am good if you leave, not come back, not choose me. But ties not to be cut.”
He has said it all while looking straight into your soul, not trying to be funny, not trying to be cute, just being honest. He leans over and kisses you as Namjoon turns away. When he lifts his head, he wraps you in a tight, short hug. In your ear he whispers, “Not goodbye, later my sapid.” He turns and walks out of the room, leaving you alone with Namjoon.
Namjoon hasn’t turned around yet, hasn’t lifted his head, you know he is working things out in his head. He is the leader, his job is to love these guys, protect them, and help them. Suddenly you don’t want to hear what he has to say, fear that he has taken your decision away rips a hole through your chest. You sit on the floor, wrapping your arms tightly around your legs to ward off the words you know he’s going to say. He turns and starts to speak when he sees you on the floor. In two quick steps he is next to you, lifting you and placing you in his lap.
“I can’t lose you,” your cry muffles through his shirt. He is rubbing your back and making shushing noises. “You’re my best friend, don’t tell me you have decided what is best for all of us.”
His head comes down to kiss the top of yours, his check resting on your hair. “I can be the bigger man Jagi, it will hurt him too much.”
He had heard Suga that morning, you squeeze your eyes closed and ask the question you dread, “And what does that mean exactly?”
“As long as I have you somewhere in my life, I will concede to Tae.”
“Isn’t that my decision to make?”
“You are able to make that decision?” He asks as he pulls back to look you in the face, “A minute ago you said that you could not.” You turn your head away and he turns it back, “You are my best friend also, that will not change. As long as you remain with me, I can step aside and wait.”
Did he just say he would wait for you? In the outer room there is a knock on the door. Namjoon pulls you to your feet, takes a last kiss and leads you out to Jimin.