“Dear My Most Beloved, Who was Never Meant to be Mine” by Lumina Han If I never fell in love with you, I would never have understood how destructive, violent, fierce, powerful, selfish, passionate and dangerous love could really be. You made me realize that I could never genuinely love anyone else besides myself. I could never truly give my everything to others, because I expected to receive more than to give. I craved to possess your soul, body and mind more than to embrace you with an untainted heart. And because you became the drive of my downfall, I grasped the truth that I had to let you go. You taught me that falling in love could become the hardest experience that one could ever handle. Meeting you, Seeing you and falling in love with you has been the greatest thrill. Yet, you became the one beam of light that blinded the pitch darkness that I tried to hide from the world. You taught me that I was incapable of devotionally loving you. To sincerely wish for your happiness without me as a part of your future, was an impossibility. I wanted to take ownership of you than for you to be yourself. Because what I really am, beneath my smiles, is that my world revolves solely on my needs and desires. To burn with such a raging fire in my heart for you has driven me into both insanity and clarity. Insanity, because you have forsaken my logic and judgement in those moments when you snatched away the center of my universe. Clarity, because you have revealed the true dark monster that I beheld deep down inside my soul. You have engulfed me in both hell and heaven, and with you I have been on the most thrilling joy of flying high in the sky. Yet because you became my drug, I fell deep down to the endless depths of the lonely, cold ocean, where I could feel nothing but suffocation and heartache. Through both these highest and lowest moments, I have learnt that it was because you never felt the same way as I did for you, that you changed my life forever. I could never be the same again, not because this love was unrequited, but because through loving you, I learnt that the turmoil of emotions I felt for you, weren`t true love at all. I disguised physical chemistry, infatuation, attraction and lust all in the name of ‘love’. Although no one has ever made me feel this much passion and rage as you have, what I felt for you wasn`t absolute love, but rather my own selfish desires and greed projected on to you. Since you walked into my life, you have shed light on how messed up my view of the world really was. Slowly, through the heart wrenching scars that I bleed from falling too deeply for you, I have apprehended things I could never have learnt had you loved me back. It was because we were never meant to be, that I could change. And because our fates were never meant to collide with each other, my paths have diverged away from you and towards you. While I was running away from you, to escape from your consumating presence, I have told myself a million times over to let go of what was never mine to begin with. When I walked closer to you, God taught me that the intense heat I felt for you would burn both of us alive. Because passion that is too rash and too sudden thinks nothing else but using the other to gratify and satisfy one`s own deep lack and emptiness. You were never born to fill up my hole, my scars and my iniquities. You are born to be you, to be the one whom God designed and planned, to be free and liberal from my obsessive presence. You deserve to love someone who loves you the right way, the sincere, faithful and innocent way, as I never did, as I never could have. You loved her instead of me, because my love for you was too lethal and poisonous for us both. Since the day I met you, our story has taken me on a toxic, venomous, annihilative and catastrophic ride towards an inevitable breakdown. You became my destruction, my road to torn deterioration and collapse. I could no longer envision a happy fairy tale ending between us, because the deadly outburst of covet and affection I felt for you consumed my entire being into a fever of stormy delirium. I was mad, crazy about you, and to me, you were all that I ever wanted, all that ever mattered... But because you were much stronger than I ever was, you kept your feet on the ground, and we never crashed into each other with the same disastrous urge and affection. You were my Romeo, but had I also been your Juliet, our story would have ended us in the same tragedy, an end that would have destroyed us both. I was never the one whom you could, would or should ever love. To mistake even for a second that we were one was my greatest delusion, my wildest fantasy and my most absurd illusion that I ever dreamt. Although we can never be together, our story still ends with hope. Because loving you was God`s greatest lesson, gift and inspiration in my life. And for that I am grateful that God brought us together for this period in our youth. Thank you for being the way you were. Because in everything that you were to me, you have been perfect. You made me a better person, without changing me into anyone other than my true self. I became what God made to become, because God let me meet you, fall for you, and grow closer to him through loving you. And because you have taught me what Christ`s love should be, you will forever remain a special treasure and secret deep in my heart, as my most beloved who was never meant to be mine. Even if our destinies never cross paths in the future, no one will ever replace what you were to me, and what you have made me become. And now, at the ending page of our story, I think I can finally love you the way you always deserved to be loved. I will love you even when you love someone else. I will love you even if you never return my love back to me. Perhaps in the future, I will fall in love again, with someone else besides you. And because of the things you have taught me about God and true love, I will love them more sincerely than I ever loved you. My passion for you will gradually wane and be replaced by a new love. But please know that I would never have been able to give them the love that they deserve, had I never loved you first. You were my first one true love, that changed everything for me. I love you in all your entirety, with or without me as a part of your life. Thank you, for being the beginning sentence, the first chapter and the opening of my love story.