The pain in your chest has spread to your gut and your head. The fact that you’ve been crying since you walked out the dorm door probably hasn’t helped. Should you have told them? Would it have made any difference or made it harder?
You have six weeks to get your life situated, your affairs settled, and apartment packed before you move and are expected to report to your new job. You should be more excited with this possibility, it will definitely change your life; the question is for good or for bad? When the job offer came in, you were shocked. If a year and a half ago anyone had told you that you’d be addicted to KPOP, meeting and talking with idols, making a trip to South Korea, and landing a new job that allowed you to live virtually anywhere, you would have laughed. It all seems so insane. You add in loving two men who are currently ripping your heart out of your chest, yeah, you would have to say life is mental.
When you step off the plane and turn your phone back on, there are 4 texts waiting and 1 phone message.
“I will smile again when I see you, Skype when you get there, time doesn’t matter.”
“I’m waiting for your message.”
“True lovers are never apart. Maybe in distance but not in heart.”
“Remember the day we first started talking to each other?”
The tears start again, Korea is so far away. The phone message is from your new boss, he wants to start paperwork and get the Visa process started.
When you flew out of Korea it had been 9 am on a Monday morning, after fifteen and a half hours on a plane, two and a half in lay over’s, all you want is to crawl into bed and never come out. If your body wasn’t in such agony it would be like you hadn’t gone anywhere, since it is now 8:30 am Monday morning. It’s too confusing, it makes your brain hurt. It is 3 am in Korea, you hate the thought of waking them; however, you know that they probably aren’t fully asleep, they are waiting.
At your apartment, you drop your suitcase in the hall and head to the bedroom. You peel off your shoes and pants, throw your bra across the room and collapse on your bed while Skype is calling. You’re pretty sure you look like death warmed over but all you care about is seeing their faces and sleeping for the next twenty years. The call is picked up on the third ring; Namjoon and Taehyung’s faces fill the tiny little screen, sending more tears down your cheeks.
“Jagi, don’t cry, you’re breaking my heart.”
“You look terrible,” Tae comments and gets slugged by Namjoon, “what? Look how tired and we aren’t there to help.” His concerned face turns back to the screen and you can’t help but run your fingers down the sides as if you could really reach out and touch them.
You clear your throat, “I’m home guys, I’m going to sleep now, you should too.” You kiss your finger and press it to the screen, “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight Jagi, Goodnight Sapid,” the both say as you press your phone to your chest and let your tears lull you to sleep.
The next few weeks are filled with packing, and looking for a storage unit to put everything in. You meet up with friends, say goodbyes; interesting, how none of these goodbyes have been as hard as the two goodbyes when you left Korea or the nightly goodbyes spoken on Skype.
They had both said they would sacrifice a romantic relationship with you for the other; that still left the decision in your court. Do you choose the one that makes you laugh, whose only goal is to see a smile on your face? Or do you choose the one that you can spend hours in conversation with, the one who is endearing in so many geeky ways? While being totally separate men, most of the qualities you look for, both men have in spades. A comparison list would be like: Makes you laugh - Y / Y , Cares for you - Y /Y, Is sincere- Y /Y, Shows respect – Y /Y, Sexy as hell – Y/Y, Makes your heart flutter – Y /Y; if you are completely honest, one seems to make your heart flutter just a little faster than the other. Perhaps that will be your tie breaker?
With your decision now made, you continue on as you always have. No one has asked for your decision and your thought is to just wait and see how things fall into place. Texts have now slowed down as they are finalizing a new mini-album. Skype’s are pretty much non-existent and you totally understand. Wasn’t that the price you agreed to pay when you decided to have friends in the business, let alone another country? Texts now seem to be more from you to them; trying to give them encouragement, make sure they are eating, mostly making sure that you aren’t lost in the shuffle.
Some days you feel philosophical;
“ Be so good that they can’t ignore you.”
Other days not so much:
“Hi. Did you remember to eat today?”
Responses always came back as smile or heart emoji’s telling you that they got and read the text but can’t respond.
The pain now comes from not being in the same hemisphere. When the phone is silent, you read the book Namjoon bought for you. When memories just won’t be put aside, you scroll backwards through texts, flip through pictures of Korea that you took with them.
As moving day approaches, your nerves begin to split and multiply again. You still can’t believe Big Hit’s PR department offered you a job on their International team. When you went in to get approval for your blog posts, you almost missed the job offer as your mind was preoccupied with texts. They were very complimentary, offered you a decent salary, and a tiny studio apartment in Seoul if you moved and worked there. Your brain didn’t need or want any time to process the offer; move to Korea with somewhere to live, and work for the company your boys did? Done. Only an idiot would turn down such an offer and you aren’t an idiot. It had been so hard, keeping it to yourself. You wanted to tell them both as soon as you left the office; however, it was Namjoon’s day and you wanted them to hear it together. Your last night there, it felt awkward to say something in front of the whole group, so again you kept it to yourself. Now came the test; could you be in the same area code, work for the same company, and still accept delayed texts, unanswered calls, and be the support they needed?