AlloBaber
2 years ago10,000+ Views
The Unforeseen Consequence Of Being With The Right Person
Last night, I was Skyping with my boyfriend, and it was the most frustrating thing. We weren't clicking for some reason. It was like we were two people who were totally wrong for each other.
I wanted to flirt with him, play around. He was tired and serious. He didn't laugh at my jokes. I worried there was something on his mind, left unvoiced. He seemed distracted. I felt unloved. I became frustrated and curled up inside myself. He told me I looked beautiful tonight, not noticing anything stewing in my head. I sighed and pretended there wasn't anything stewing in my head.
We both hung up and went to bed.
This morning, I woke up feeling as sad as I had falling asleep last night. I still couldn't figure out the problem.
I had too many questions in my head. Why were we on such different pages? Aren't we supposed to be perfect for each other? I mean, he's the most incredible guy I've ever been with. So why, I wondered, are there moments when everything ISN'T perfect? And what do they mean for our relationship?
I had to give myself a little time to wake up, drink my coffee, and slowly think through the worries on my mind. These are the moments when I actively stop myself from following my negative thoughts down into a dark hole, and instead consider why I'm feeling the way I am.
I found my mind coming back to something I had read recently on the consequences of being in the right relationship. It was basically about how all relationships – even the most incredible ones – require work, but usually, the first step is working on yourself.
This is what the author says:
"When we’re single, we’re often unaware of the work that needs to be done because those parts of us that are hurt and need to be healed don’t get accessed. Or maybe we do know but think the right guy will make it all better.
Love forces you to face yourself. Love brings up all that is unloved within us. And you can’t hide who you are when you are in a good, loving relationship. Instead, you are forced to face it and deal with it."
First, thank god there are smart people out there to inspire us with words like those. They really helped me remember something: no relationship will complete you.
What I call "the Disney Lie" teaches us, as we grow up, that when we fall in love, we find the other half of what was previously an unfinished, imperfect version of ourselves. Suddenly all our dreams come true. We find happiness and contentment and confidence. We become as strong, successful, and perfect as we've always wanted to be.

This is not true.

Disney tells you the story of the first two weeks, MAYBE, of a relationship. That's when you'll feel invincible and ridiculously happy, as though life is a beautiful, perfect, wild adventure, and yada yada yada...
The fact is, even when you're in a good relationship – a great relationship, even – you'll still feel sad sometimes. You'll still feel lonely once in a while, for no good reason at all. You'll still have your insecurities and your fears.
But now, the big difference is that you don't have a terrible significant other to blame your problems on. Your significant other is wonderful, and does all the right things – text you back immediately, treat you like a princess, brim with pride when they show you off to their friends...
No. Now, when you have problems, you have no one to look to but yourself.

Real love forces you to face yourself, in all your insecurity and brokenness.

Love doesn't fix you, it won't heal you – but it will help you heal yourself. The right person will love and support you all through the lengthy and often difficult process of working through your own issues. Heck, you'll love and support them too, because everyone's got something they need to work on.
I'm glad I took the time to carefully sort through my doubts and worries to figure out that when I don't feel happy or loved, despite being with a guy who's everything I've ever wanted, and who constantly surprises me, challenges me, shows me how very much he cares... it's not an "Us Problem." It's a "Me Problem."
It's me worrying that I'm not good enough, or that he doesn't like my sense of humor. It's my ridiculous fear that I don't deserve a guy like him, and that sooner or later he'll figure out that I'm not as amazing as he thinks.
Listen, being in love is hard. Not because it's not the best thing ever. But because life is still life, even when you're in the perfect relationship. Your insecurities are still there, clamoring to be dealt with. The parts of you that are unfinished won't miraculously complete themselves.

So when you find your dream human and face this problem, remember to check if it's a "You Problem" before looking to the relationship itself, or to your sweet significant other. Chances are, they're still the bestest person you've ever been with, and you're still human – normal, fallible, insecure, beautiful, and human.

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11 comments
My last relationship was the only real relationship I had in my life. We were together for 4 years, and I would have to admit I was a little immature of the fact that I didn't realize what being in a relationship was all about. I'm not a dating coach or relationship expert, but I'm sure all of you know the most important thing about being in a relationship is appreciating each other's differences. Also, appreciating the relationship itself. I've been single for about 6 months now and I feel like a relationship between two people is something special. You are all to that person. You both chose each other out of the other billion people in this world. If there is anything that I've learned being single, is that the next relationship i have with a significant other, I'm going to appreciate being in one. I'm going to treat that person as if they are the only one that will ever be there for me.
2 years ago·Reply
Thank you for sharing this story!! I'm going through a similar issue with some friendships of mine. My motivation on working on myself has been attempting to divide what in my life I can control and what is out of my control. the way someone acts towards me is out of my control...so why do I think that the way they act is my fault? i'm working on making myself better instead of being frustrated over what people are or aren't doing for me. :)
2 years ago·Reply
Thank you friend ☺️ I sent this card to mystery boy after I wrote it, and he was very appreciative of being able to read and understand my thought process. All is good now :)))
2 years ago·Reply
I don't always aim for perfectionism, because if your fidelity to perfectionism is too high and you play it in your head over and over again, you never do anything with it outside of you, and you realize you have a lot to work on before you go after that one person you want to commit to. That was one of the big things I've had trouble with. I do believe, however, in helping your significant other with their challenges if needed in order to gain some trust and love from them.
2 years ago·Reply
So very true. Learning and discovering about each other, happens in every relationships. And that's when we learn to understand, compromise and compliment each other.
2 years ago·Reply
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