Those of us that battle depression know that getting out of the house isn't the easiest thing.
Being tethered to your bed with invisible chords seems to be a running theme. No matter how hard you try, you can't get out. You want to leave, but your body won't have it. You feel so tired all the time that not even the prospect of seeing your favorite band excites you, as it always does.
You can't stand up. It's almost as if, the exact moment your feet hit the floor and you leave that room- you will cease to exist.
There's a fear that comes with depression that a lot of people try to ignore. It's the fear that we will have wasted our time by leaving our rooms. That everything is exactly how we see it: completely shitty.
It's leap day, and as I took the plunge and left my room a thought entered my mind: What if I made plans for every single day this week? What if I forced myself out of the house because I had to commit to different people? I hate standing people up.
Maybe this is a short way to battle the feelings I have. The depression. The darkness I seem to carry around.
So I got online, to that horrible place called Facebook and I searched for events. Anywhere is fine, but the closer the better, right? No. Fuck that. I'm going to go wherever I want. I'm young, I should have more energy right?
I looked and looked and came across a few things that interested me, one being a David Bowie themed art show in the ultra-rad neighborhood of The Mission in San Francisco.
I've lived in the Bay Area for almost three months now, and I have only gone into San Francisco twice: once for a concert, the second just driving through on my way back from wine country. That's not right.
Being young is about burning yourself out at both ends right? But what if I did that in high school? Am I past my prime already? Maybe that's the mental stuff talking.
I pressed that button that says "Interested" and moved on, looking at other events that screamed "you're going to pay too much for something you don't need to do."
I must have combed through a hundred events when I realized that I had just been pressing "maybe" or "interested" on all of them.
I didn't commit to a single one! Imagine that...not a single one.
(Artwork by: Marc Scheff Title: "I Wish I Could Swim" from "Moonage Daydream" the David Bowie art exhibit)
This wishy washy nature, of saying, "yeah, I'll go out tonight!" and then canceling on yourself should be just as bad as canceling on another person.
The thing is, we feel more comfortable ruining our own lives than we do ruining someone else's.
So I went back to the David Bowie event, and I clicked "going". Who cares if I didn't have anyone to go with. I needed to do this for myself. I'm going to go into San Francisco and I'm going to have some fucking fun.
I have to start filling my time with things that I enjoy, because who the hell knows how long I'll be here, in the Bay Area, on earth. You know, the big questions.
By 3A.M. last night I had filled my monthly calendar view with 10 events. That's 10 days I will have to make myself presentable and get out of the house. I'll ask others if they want to go later, but for me...this is the start of a new outlook on life. Things are shitty, yes, but they could be so much worse.
Leap day gave me an extra 24 hours to process the feelings I have had for a while. Maybe it's superstitious or just ridiculous but I have to believe in the power of this strange event that only happens once every 4 years.