3 years ago1,000+ Views
I smile and laugh because I cannot cry, I cannot cry because...there is an absence of reason. Hopes and dreams and pain and tears, possible futures and terrible fears, all held simultaneously in a strange state of stasis-- so that I'm left just...numb. Redirect my focus to trivial, day-to-day things, to distract and detach. But, in the silence of being alone, it looms over me. Hollow and unfathomable. I'll just do what I do, and shove it into a box, bury it deep, and wait for the day I can open it again.
Beautiful note @annamolly :) I get the trying to be distracted by day to day stuff, but in the long term it helps me a LOT. Living in the present is my coping mechanism :D
@mrsmith (hugs) Thank you! I'm learning to accept and welcome support and love. I wish I knew how to better express it, but I really appreciate your empathy and hope you also have support and love, too!
I know in this world many people tell you not to cry, from childhood to adult, and even me some times when my child cry over some thing, I tell them to stop, because I can't cope with it, but I know inside this is wrong, babies cry a lot because they can not speak, but after a while express laughter, they now have the two fundermental emotions, we call happiness and sadness, as we get older we use words more and more, but we still need the space to cry and laugh, love is also needed but is fundermentally silent, the touch, the hug, the kiss etc. There are still safe places to cry like, the therapist, a support group, a book or film, or just alone. And when a relation is strong a friend or lover, as long as they are strong enough? I feel your paralyzing numbness it's there in me as well, that pain that's been or is, still echo's inside, all I know, is to laugh and cry, and feel love for life and people, does help. Just find a safe place, to help you move on.
stay numb is safe and comfortable and secure but I've found that numbness paralyzes me right where I am and I'm unable to move forward even a little!
I've feared if I start crying over the things in my box that I might not stop. For me crying or feeling makes me vulnerable and being vulnerable is what filled the box in the first place!!!
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