Leaving is certainly one of the hardest things to do when you don't want to. It's not like not wanting to get up in the morning or doing chores, those are just done and that's it. But having to leave someone's side because you are no longer welcomed there, well that's a whole different matter. In a card I posted a while back, I discussed friendships. In that card, I mentioned that some friends leave due to just growing distant. However, there will be times when you realize that the side you would call yours by your friend is no longer reserved.
I had a best friend who I actually hated at first. Her and I were just complete polar opposites; she was the type who would go out to parties and have fun with everyone whereas I didn't go to an actual high school party until my Senior year. We just didn't connect and I made sure to avoid her as much as I could. Eventually, fate threw us together (she started dating my guy best friend and I was romantically involved with her best friend) and we started to talk. Soon, all of the differences between us started to vanish and I started looking at the similarities. We both loved the same genre of literature, we shared similar taste in music, and whenever one of us had problems in our relationships, we would help each other out. We only got closer after high school since we had so much more free time to spend talking and hanging out. After my horrible experience with my breakup, she was there through all of it and continuously picked me up. She was amazing. It all was amazing. But leave it to me to ruin such a paradise.
She and my best friend eventually broke up. It hurt, not only seeing them suffer separately, but because I always believed that they were the prime definition of hard work. You see, my guy best friend is kinda similar to me in morals. We both kinda frown upon frequently partying and random shenanigans that she would pull. Yet, they both worked through their differences and prospered for a long time. I always looked up to their relationship. However, as I would try to comfort her, I started growing feelings for her; feelings that I hadn't felt (or even wanted to feel) since my previous romantic ordeal. But, long story short, those feelings brought an abrupt end to our friendship.
In my defense, it wasn't just my feelings to blame. Our differences that were once ignored began to arise and take shape. I came to the decision that it was better to leave before she or I got any more hurt. And honestly, I do believe that is the best way to do it. Call it what you want, running away, hiding, ignoring, anything. But there are times when just staying can generate more hurt than pleasure. Experiences have taught me that, and I have therefore grown and applied what I learned.
If you read my previous card about taking risks, this one seems to almost contrast it. And it is true. Compared to that card, I am not taking a risk. I am playing the "safe" card and running away. However, this too is also a risk. I am risking her becoming worse and something happening to her without me even knowing. I am risking me getting worse and not being able to ask her for help. But, what could also happen is that she can find a new best friend; someone who won't shun her for going out late or care about what guys she talks to. She can find someone who will love her for who she really is. And for me, well, I would be happy knowing I took a step in preventing further hurt instead of following the same road I did last time. The only thing I really hope for is for her to be happy and keep living life the way she wants to. No matter how close I was to her, I never had a right to dictate her life. The decisions we take in life are ours to make alone. I will say this: Through the pain, I will find happiness, and through the fog, I will see the light. To me, she was the light that crept through a crack in a window during sunset. So pure, yet impossible to stay.