sophiamor
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9 Ways We Marry The "Wrong" Person

I saw this essay going around the internet again so I wanted to see what you all thought about it!
I don't agree with everything that Alain de Botton says (though I loved his collection 'Essays on Love') but he brings up some pretty interesting points!

This is his essay called "How We End Up Marrying The Wrong Person." I'd love to know your thoughts!

One: We don’t understand ourselves

"All of us are crazy in very particular ways. We’re distinctively neurotic, unbalanced and immature, but don’t know quite the details because no one ever encourages us too hard to find them out."
In my words: We need to understand our strengths, weaknesses, all of our faults and insecurities, how we react to situations, what we really want, what we really need. Without knowing that, it is hard to know what kind of person would work well with us.
"With such a poor level of understanding of our characters, no wonder we aren’t in any position to know who we should be looking out for."

Two: We don’t understand other people

"We need to know the intimate functioning of the psyche of the person we’re planning to marry. We need to know their attitudes to, or stance on, authority, humiliation, introspection, sexual intimacy, projection, money, children, aging, fidelity and a hundred things besides."
In my words: Just as we don't know ourselves, our partners don't know themselves either. Work together to reach a deep understanding before deciding to be together forever.

Three: We aren’t used to being happy

"As adults, we may then reject certain healthy candidates whom we encounter, not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced (too mature, too understanding, too reliable), and this rightness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. We head instead to candidates whom our unconscious is drawn to, not because they will please us, but because they will frustrate us in familiar ways."
In my words: We often think of happiness as a wonderful vibrant feeling, but what if happiness is just feeling safe and content. Maybe we push people away when they're "boring" us when actually they are giving us the subtle happiness we need?

Four: Being single is so awful

"One is never in a good frame of mind to choose a partner rationally when remaining single is unbearable. We have to be utterly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to have any chance of forming a good relationship."
In my words: Don't be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. Society pressures us not to be single past a certain age, but do yourself a favor and don't give in.

Five: Instinct has too much prestige

"The romantic marriage dictated that how one felt about someone should be the only guide to marriage. If one felt ‘in love’, that was enough. No more questions asked. Feeling was triumphant. "
In my words: We all hear the love at first sight stories, but we should also consider being reasonable with marriage. Really think about how this person will work with you in every way, not just romantically.

Six: We don’t go to Schools of Love

"We go into it without any insightful reasons as to why marriages fail – beyond what we presume to be the idiocy or lack of imagination of their protagonists."
In my words: A lot of us just don't know how love works! Why do marriages fail, why do marriages stay together? How can you fix something when it is broken?

Seven: We want to freeze happiness

"We imagine that marriage is a guarantor of the happiness we’re enjoying with someone. It will make permanent what might otherwise be fleeting. It will help us to bottle our joy."
In my words: Circumstances change, life happens, violent bubbly happiness fades. You have to remember that as a married couple you are in it through everything. The rough patches and the fun times.

Eight: We believe we are special

"The statistics are not encouraging. Everyone has before them plenty of examples of terrible marriages. They’ve seen their friends try it and come unstuck. And yet we do not easily apply this insight to our own case. Without specifically formulating it, we assume that this is a rule that applies to other people."
In my words: We've heard that marriage is hard, but most of us think those couples weren't like you and your partner. You guys will make it.

Nine: We want to stop thinking about Love

"We hope that marriage can conclusively end love’s painful rule over our lives.
It can’t and won’t: there is as much doubt, hope, fear, rejection and betrayal in a marriage as there is in single life. It’s only from the outside that a marriage looks peaceful, uneventful and nicely boring."
In my words: Dating and being single and heartbreak and falling in love is all too much to deal with sometimes. Often people think that marriage puts an end to that crazy cycle."

So, what do you guys think?

I agree with a few of these points but a few seem a little off to me...
You can read the whole essay: HERE!
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@kamalmv yeah and even when families arent directly pressuring you, its just engrained in our heads that we're getting 'too old' and need to 'settle down' :/
pressure from family and society is another factor... and some agree just like that...
Some points are agreeable while some are completely up to each person's perception and experience. I personally don't know if people can marry the right person. I do believe you need to find someone you can communicate well with if you can't that's not going to work out. I believe marriage is a decision made by two individual --> no matter what happens, even if one can be annoying, you'll continue to walk with one another backing each other up (that's love). Being married basically means you're signing yourself up to a life-long trial of patience and steadfastness (if you can't do that don't get married).
I think postpone finding their match and marry incorrectly because they don't want to die alone
@sophiamor haha... may be u should repost including this option too....
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Throughout contemporary life, references from the Bible, its stories, and characters surround us. As a result, nonbelievers may be at a loss when they encounter them in conversation, art, or literature.  Modern-day controversies such as separation of church and state, posting the Ten Commandments in government buildings, nativity displays, and other issues may not be fully understood. This represents a gap in nonbelievers’ knowledge base.  My first book was written for my daughter as a guide to successful living. Trust Your Radar: Honest Advice for Teens and Young Adults from a Surgeon, Firefighter, Police Officer, Scuba Divemaster, Golfer, and Amateur Comedian combines life lessons with fun stories from my varied careers. A second book, Trust Your Radar, Slackers’ Edition, is a streamlined version. Both works identify organized religion as “jammers” of our clear-thinking “brain radars.” My new book, The Nonbeliever’s Guide to Bible Stories, fills the information gap about the Bible for my daughter and lucky readers.  It’s a secular sprint from Genesis to Revelation, hitting the characters, stories, occasional highlights, numerous lowlights, and famous quotes (featured in italics).  Nonbelievers should have some concept of the religious fairy tales being foisted upon their believing peers. At a minimum, just to get all the jokes.  Read the full story https://www.fadewblogs.eu.org/2021/12/the-nonbelievers-guide-to-bible-stories.html
Personality transformation and personal development
You focus on developing the body, the brain, and the memory. You like to do this with great enthusiasm. After all, you want to be physically and mentally fit. That's great, but have you ever considered developing your own personality? How can you develop and transform your personality and actively give yourself more time for personal development in everyday life? Your personal development is basically divided into three important areas. However, you do not go through them one after the other, but they repeat themselves again and again: 1. Knowledge: realization of yourself is the analysis of the actual state. Here you first become aware of who you are and what makes you. But this analysis is not finished after one time. The more you work on yourself and your personality, the more often you will learn something new about yourself. So never lose sight of reflecting on yourself and getting to know yourself over and over again. If you want to transform your personality for the better, you can use amazing online resources available for free. 2. Acceptance: Wait, didn't we just say that personal development is about changing yourself? Why should you accept yourself now? It's simple: we don't want to turn 180 degrees and become a different person. We may also just accept ourselves as the person we are and not have to get rid of every little habit and thought. Start accepting and loving yourself as the person you are. This is the only way you will be able to grow in the long run. Personality Development it's more about.., negative beliefs and habits that keep you from living to your full potential. 3. Change: Last but not least, change occurs. Of course, this doesn't happen overnight, and as we've already established, it takes stamina, a concrete goal in mind, and the will to change. Don't let setbacks drag you down and be mindful and loving with yourself along the way.
What are the strongest smelling candles
Candles with the most potent smells. Boy Smells's Kush candles are perpetual best-sellers. Still, this Cashmere iteration, which employs tulip, cashmere wood, and powdery musk, is a softer, slightly less earthy option for those who might not want the stank (in a good way) intensity of the cannabis flower note. This decorative pick is hard to ignore, in large part because it's topped with amber stones and fossilized tree resin for a dynamic, light-reflecting effect. You're sure to find one that will appeal with three scents to choose from, including Neroli Sweetgrass, Sicilian Rose Matcha, and Palo Santo Rosewood. Its vibrant ceramic vessel jar allows for a 75-hour burn time, and you can repurpose the stones as décor after the candle is done. This adorable candle smells good, with scents like pine and vanilla or jasmine and white tea, but its faux hand-poured cactus or poppy design will surely spark a conversation with your guests. Make it the centerpiece of your dinner table, or put it on the bathroom counter for a great finishing touch. Candles that have a long-lasting smell. 1. Scent: First, and probably most importantly, you want to look for a surprise candle scent that you not only like, but one that won't irritate you if burned for an extended period. This is essential for those with allergies who may be sensitive to certain fragrances. Options with natural essential oils may be less aggravating, and beeswax candles, mainly free of toxins, can reduce chemical reactions. Beeswax candles are popular as they burn slower than other wax blends. Though some can be unscented, the Lemon Siracusa Market Candle has notes of lemon, lime, green olives, lemon zest, citrus yuzu, and warm coriander, creating a unique scent unlike others out there. Scented candles, and soy-scented ones, are becoming increasingly popular. Scented candles allow you to fill your home with a delightful scent of your choosing, and soy candles have several benefits over other types of candles. Soy wax candles can last up to twice as long as paraffin wax candles as they have a lower melting point. In this guide, we are reviewing 5 of the best-scented soy wax candles available on Amazon for you to purchase.