I was walking around Safeway the other day looking for a drink that my friend introduced to me a few weekends ago. It's called a Yerba Mate, and it's basically just some kind of overpriced, over formulated green tea monstrosity that seems to breathe life back into anyone nursing a hangover.
Anyway, I passed the big cooler with all of the indigenous California beverages and noticed something called Kombucha. Above its impeccably designed label had the two words that Californians love: organic and raw.
So of course, feeling very California with my avocados and organic grapefruits in my little basket I threw the glass bottle of Kombucha on top, nearly crushing the fruit underneath.
The little bottle cost four dollars. And I thought of all the other things I could have put that money towards. Possibly a new purse or pair of shoes since I'm not buying clothing right now.
Then I thought of how stupid the entire thought process behind this drink was. All the labels and enzymes and inspirational affirmations on the bottle made me want to throw it out the window along with the fruit that probably would go bad anyway.
Feeling wasteful and lame, I went home and stuck the bottle in the fridge along with the Yerba Mates I would shamelessly suck down because damn it they taste good. I fell asleep and woke up the next day, looking forward to trying the ridiculous "super healthful" drink that promised to "reawaken" "rethink" "rekindle" and "redefine" my life. This is yuppie marketing at its height. Promise to change the lives of people who are spending 4 dollars on Kombucha and you will sell MILLIONS of bottles. Hell, I bought one.
Now on to the benefits, because you probably clicked on this article in exchange for some information. I shall finally give it to you:
Kombucha claims to:
- Create "happy" enzymes in your belly
-Weight loss (come on, that's what I'm talking about!)
-Detoxification (Also, let's be honest, I definitely need that in more ways than one)
-Reduced Joint Pain
So, that all sounds pretty damn good right? Right.
The only thing is that i's fermented in a bunch of bacteria, (much like Kimchi) so if you just get the Kombucha without any flavor, you're going to have a bad time.
BECAUSE IT TASTES TERRIBLE.
Also, don't stick your nose in the bottle and smell it. You're going to have a worse time. Just suck it down as fast as you can, because much like well Whiskey, you'll feel a lot better once it's in your system.
All in all, I don't really feel any different after drinking half a bottle, but it's only 30 calories and claims to have a lot of benefits (Also, check out that sassy gif of me, thanks And then I was Like.com). For reference I bought the GT's Enlightened Organic Raw Kombucha with Hibiscus, because that stuff tastes good, and makes the Kombucha taste better.
To answer the question in the title, Kombucha might be bullshit, but the placebo effect has to be worth something right? Maybe it's worth 4 dollars.