Hongbin gazed at the photograph gripped within his fingertips, the flask once again meeting with his rough lips. The burning sensation of the alcohol charred the young man’s throat, however his expressions gave no reaction. He could not tear his eyes from the portrait, salty tears dripping down his cheeks.
In his hands, he held the last remaining evidence. The last remaining object that gave proof he had ever felt a shred of joy. Joy that was now far past shreds. He had been left with nothing. Faith? Comfort? Bullshit.
This earth had held nothing but misery for Hongbin. It had simply let him believe the lie that he would live in peace. It had allowed his faith to cultivate in that one thought, only to drown it within the blink an eye.
Every dream, every giggle, every joyous thought left had drown with it. With the only man that could ever comfort Hongbin. Taekwoon.
“Hyung...I’ve failed you.” Hongbin’s sorrowful voice was directed only towards that photograph. There was no other he wanted to hear his words any greater than that one man.
“I tried my best. I attempted to combat this world, however I lack the strength to do so on my own.” Hongbin shifted his view towards his lap. It had been the only time that he did not wish to look at his hyung. He couldn’t bare to watch the man’s smiling face. Not with the words that were about to seep from his tongue.
“I was fired once again. There are no places willing to accept applications this late into the year. I’m six months behind on the rent. Our landlord is going to evict me this weekend.” Wiping the tears that had fallen, Hongbin desperately clung to the last tiny piece of control he was able to retain. In this moment, he only desired to keep his mind. He needed Taekwoon to understand his actions.
“I attempted to save the apartment. I paid every penny I had, but it wasn’t enough. Without you’re checks…it wasn’t enough to even cover the electricity bill. There’s no possible way for me to remain here any longer. He’s going to throw me onto the streets no matter what I say to him.” Hongbin’s eyes brimmed with tears, clouding any vision the man had previously had. His restraint gradually began to slip through his grasp, his mind threatening to collapse.
“There’s nothing left for me. Nothing at this place and nothing in the rest of the world either. I know you would have wanted me to move on, but I don’t think I can. Everywhere I look I’m reminded of you. It’s gotten to the point I can’t even wash myself without weeping.” Hongbin could feel his face begin to grow wet once again. He didn’t need to reach his hand up to know the tears had begun leaking.
“I drink this alcohol but it doesn’t do shit. Nothing can help me. You were the last form of comfort I had. You…you…” The words caught in Hongbin’s throat, commanding him to stop this. He had wanted to censor himself. He didn’t want his last words towards his hyung to be this way, however his mind gave him no other choice. It wouldn’t’ let him continue on the path he had started. No longer having the durability to endure this torment, Hongbin let his inner thoughts burst through the chilly air.
“You left me hyung! You told me I would never be alone! You told me you would remain with me for the rest of eternity! You said those words so confidently, but where are you now?! Is eternity really this brief?! You said we would be together forever! I really had thought that was going to be true hyung. My entire universe had been planned together...with yours! Without you by my side I’m nothing! I’m useless. Why couldn’t you just be here? Why did it have to be you? WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN ME?!”
Glass shattered around Hongbin’s form as he threw the flask to the ground. Violent Sobs shook his body as Hongbin collapsed to his hands and knees. It didn’t matter that blood had begun to stain the flooring, shards of glass piercing through the man’s delicate skin.
“Please don’t hate me hyung. Please! Please don’t hate me! I tried my hardest, I swear to you! I really did try to move on, but...how could you expect me to do such a thing! It’s—It’s not possible hyung. I can’t. Please...don ‘t hate me for this.” Hongbin clutched the photograph tightly to his chest, allowing warm blood to soak the image. His body lay crumbled, similar to the way one would imagine a fetus crumbling into itself.
“I just...I want to see you so badly. If only just once. Just once to see your smile in front of my eyes, to see you blush as you get embarrassed, to hear your gentle voice fill my head. Just one more time. Do you think I’ll be able meet you again? Am I heading towards you?” His limbs quivering beneath him, Hongbin picked himself from the floor one last time. In his final moments, Hongbin reached over beside. There lay what the reason for his sudden confessions. There lay the reasoning behind Hongbin’s cries.
The knife seemed to glisten, his fingers wrapping around the handle with ease. “I can’t continue without you Taekwoon. Please understand. Please understand. I have no other choice. I miss you too desperately. I need you more than you could ever imagine. Forgive me. Hyung, with all my heart, with my entire being, I love you.” One fluid movement, that was all it had taken. Hongbin’s body dropped to the floor, the photograph falling directly across from him. He gazed towards his hyung’s smiling image as the room began to grow dim. Gathering every last drop of his will, Hongbin spoke his few final words to the man as darkness enveloped him. “I love you Taekwoon hyung-------