3 years ago1,000+ Views
Dear Love,

Actually, forget that. I do not love you anymore. You returned my heart, although beaten and broken, like an iPhone of a reckless teenager.

How are you? I hope you're doing well! Our mutual friends just love telling stories about your ventures through college and life in general. I pretend to laugh along with them. I could never find the strength to ask them to stop.

I am doing well in case you were wondering. I'm still going to school full time and work part time delivering pizzas. I love working! My therapist agrees that working helps keep me busy and since I'm always busy, I don't have much time to think to myself, which is a good thing! You know me, once I get into my mind, I can't come out. But it's not like I don't think of you at all anymore. It's like you are water and I am broken glass. You try to squeeze into any crack you can find.

Oh yeah, remember our best friend? You know, the one who was the first to see my stitches after a terrible mistake? Well, when she broke up with my other best friend (the one who I've known since Freshman year, remember? Yeah, him!) I tried helping her and tried to make her feel better. As I was doing that, I started to like her. I noticed it and, well, I shut her out of my life. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "How could you do that to her? She's been through so much for you to just leave her!" And I feel bad too. I miss her like crazy, but I saw myself acting the same way and getting mad at the same reasons all over again. I saw it and told myself that I did not go through months of therapy and daily pills just to fall back in the hole that I was trying to climb out of. But what really got me the most was the way I fell in love with her. It was the same way I fell in love with you. Maybe that's why I took the risk anyways, even when I told myself not to. But then again, when do I ever listen to myself?

Oh yeah, my tattoos! You've never seen them in person. The semicolons on my wrist were the first ones. I was so happy when I got them, and let me tell you, they actually helped me. For several months after getting them, a blade had not touched my skin other than to shave. But about a week ago, I was going through some dark things and since I kicked out the one person who I could talk to (see above for reference), I succumbed to it. But don't worry, I'm smart now! I guess that's one good thing about that hospital. You don't do it where they can suspect it. Sure, it's noticeable, but I easily play it off as an accident from work.

I'm sure our mutual friends told you but we went back to the high school to play a few games of soccer. It was great seeing familiar faces again. We played and laughed and just had a blast! Afterwards, we relaxed on the bleachers and told stories of our glorious senior year. It's funny, I laughed and talked with them when they would mention pranks and jokes they would pull on each other, but it's like every movement of my face came with a sting. I wasn't sure why. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it was because every memory they would share was matched with a memory of us. Wow. I guess I can't even think about high school anymore. But that's ok, just one more thing to block out!

Well, that's about all that's happened! I know it's a lot to take in but a trick I learned is to do it nice and slowly. Trying to take a lot of things at once usually leads to an explosion, and that's not really a good way to handle things. I'm sure you're doing well. From what I got from that time when we tried talking again, I've been the easiest thing to get over. How are you and that guy by the way? To be honest, I lost track of names so I'm not even sure if we're talking about the same guy. Anyways, I hope you continue having an awesome life!

Do you remember what I told you the day before your birthday? I told you to leave me behind and forget about me. Write me down in your book of "Stupid stuff that happened when I was 18." I actually have a book that is similar to that, but it's more like regrets. I write in it when I remember one and on the days when I don't want to take my pills because I don't even feel anything anymore or when I can't wake up because every muscle is fighting me or when I force myself to eat because going days without a proper meal isn't ideal, I read it and look for a reason to keep going. So far, it's been working.

With best regards,

This is heart breaking but hopeful. Thank you for sharing, it got me thinking a lot about my past relationships too. (My first serious boyfriend just had his first child with his new wife...so...yeah)
@Dynamo Thanks a lot! I'm in a very good place in my life right now so I'm genuinely happy for him, but I know if I was in other circumstances I wouldn't have been so cheerful. Your words are really moving, I look forward to future work :)
@sophiamor Wow, just reading that made me flinch. And it's funny coming from me, but the only right way to look at that is with determination. Specifically, the determination to continue living your life without any unwanted interference. Humans are a lot stronger than we think. There may be times when it looks like the end, and it may feel like the end as well, but it will not end us. We cannot be pushed as easily as before. And one day, it will be us who begin to do the pushing. Good luck @sophiamor!
It's like you are water and I am broken glass. You try to squeeze into any crack you can find.
Beautiful, @Dynamo. I think you're very courageous to share this publicly. Keep going. ALWAYS keep going. I find the strength in lists of things to look forward to – things I want to do, people I can't wait to see again, places I want to travel. Keep going and learning and fighting, my friend :)
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