Sometimes I can surprise myself with how positive I can be. To be honest with you all, I have been in a particularly dark place as of late. Feeling stagnant, underproductive and lazy are not my favorite things. They rank as some of the most terrible and infuriating feelings on the planet.
I would rather be dead than be boring.
To be honest, I haven't been able to write anything of note in months. The project I used to invigorate myself became a backburner excuse to get the money out of the typewriter I foolishly bought on a sunny day in Sonoma County, CA.
I usually keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think, but lately it's been the opposite. I haven't pushed myself. I haven't finished anything I've set out to do. I have become the walking. living definition of everything I hate. I have become ordinary and boring.
In the later hours of the night I usually try to occupy myself with writing or music. I can't do either anymore. At 23 years old, I feel like I have burnt myself out completely.
Can you imagine? Living with that feeling every day? It's not really living is it.
The greatest minds of all time changed things because of perspective. Because they saw the world in a way that was never seen before. One word. One glance. One set of actions...can change the course of history.
I was talking with a close friend about this exact thing, the concept of contentment, about writing yourself off, about creating a negative outlook without even noticing it.
I felt the advice and the positive energy coming out of me, but it wasn't in the service of myself. It was in the service of him, for his sake. Never for mine. When other people are bearing their souls, their grievances...it's easy for me to put things into perspective, but when it comes to myself...I have no skills.
And then I realized...that I had done it. I created this negative, bleak, black reality without even noticing it. I was sabotaging myself all over again. But this time, there weren't any substances, no triggers or feelings of guilt. There was just my brain...me, creating something out of nothing...selling myself short automatically.
I'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone outside of my brain, but I am trying to fix my outlook...to grab life like I always have.
I'm trying to remember the person who wanted to play Hamlet even though she was a girl, and nobody thought she could. I'm trying to remember the person who fronted a rock band...who didn't care what anyone thought of her.
That person is writing these words, right now, late at night in a sunny bedroom in California. That person is inside all of the hate and guilt and sadness. That person will someday do great things.
It doesn't matter who you are, where you are, or who you're comparing yourself too. Someday, somehow you will look back and remember that you were right where you needed to be. Sometimes, all it takes is force of habit: change your perspective. Change your ways. Remove negativity surgically if you have to.