IMPORTANT: This part and the following 2 or 3 are going to get far more emotional. There's going to be a huge shift in the tone for a little bit. I want to warn you that you may or may not get intense, well, I'm not sure if "feels" can fully describe it. Anyway, I just wanted to give you a notice. I hope you enjoy the story.
Parts: all found here
WARNING: Mature content
- Yoongi's point of view - "What's your malfunction?" I continue facing the wall. "What the hell do you want Namjoon?" "You've been holed up in this room constantly for more than a week. If we aren't at practice, you're laying in bed doing absolutely nothing besides listening to depressing music." "Get out if you're not here for a good reason." "No. What's your problem? This isn't normal and I'm worried." I pull the blanket over my head. "It's nothing you need to worry about. I'm dealing with things in my own way, so leave me alone." "Would you look at me? What are you trying to deal with?" My voice is hoarse. "Just go! I'll be fine soon!" He walks over and tries to pull the blanket down. "Stop! Just leave!" "No! There's something wrong and I'm not going to let you be alone like this." "I want to be alone!" He pulls the blanket down and I shove my face in the pillow. He grabs my shoulder and rolls me over. I look at him. I'm pathetic right now. I don't want anyone to see me like this. "Have you been crying?" I wipe my face. My voice is cracking. "Can't get anything past you. There, you saw me crying, are you happy? Now get out." "At this point you might as well just tell me what's wrong." "Talking has never made me feel better. I don't know how to make myself feel better, so I'm doing this. I'm feeling sorry for myself. Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me get back to my pity party." He sits on the edge of my bed. "Is all this about Boram?" I sit up, and push him away. "Go! I don't want to think about it anymore and I don't want to talk about it either! I've already acknowledged the fact that I'm a terrible person! I'm in love with my friend's girlfriend! I'm a horrible person and I've realized that!" He grabs me and pulls me into a hug. I try to push him off, but he's stronger than me. I hate him sometimes. He just doesn't know when to stop. "Let me go!" He quietly shushes me and pats my back. "Shhh...just relax and calm down." "I'm not a child!" "Well you're acting like one, so I'm trying to comfort you like one." "I don't need to be comforted!" "You do. You can't always do things on your own Yoongi. You're human and everyone needs help sometimes." I stop trying to push him away and he pats my head. I'm not a child. I'm a grown man and I'm older than him. Just because he's bigger doesn't mean he can treat me like this. "I don't want to feel better. At least if I feel bad, I can't feel any worse. If I'm happy, I'll hear her name and be hurt. I'll see him smile as he reads a text and be hurt. I'll see him leave the room to talk to her on the phone and be hurt." "So this is more than just thinking she's cute." "So much more." "Why'd you let it get this far?" "I couldn't stop it. I kept thinking about how she said I was nice even after she saw how explosive and tempermental I was. She saw past the ugliness shielding my heart." I bury my face in his shoulder and cry. An adult male shouldn't do this; but if there's a chance that it can make me feel better, then I don't care. I'll try anything. "She didn't give a fuck who Suga was. She didn't give a fuck and she hurt me. She did it without giving it a second thought because I was trying to hurt her first." "You like a girl because she hurt you?" "She's strong Namjoon, so strong. She's confident. She's honest. She knew my personality after five minutes. She knew my horrible personality flaws and she told me what they were. She insulted me to my face. She provoked me, but she was so intelligent and precise about it that it's almost admirable." He pats my back again. "I see." "She's like a computer that analyzes you and treats you exactly like you deserve. I treated her poorly and she threw it back in my face, but worse. She taught me a lesson." "She did." "Then after all that she turned my attitude around without my permission; she just went ahead and did it. She got me to be pleasant with her. She made me feel at ease when I talked with her. I don't like talking to people, but I opened up to her. She controlled me, but in the best way." "How can being controlled be nice?" "Because I'd love to have someone who could make me happy; that could turn my mood around and make me happy whether I like it or not. To know exactly what to say to brighten my day, because she'd know how to do it. She'd know how to keep me under control." "I understand why you'd want that. But she's not yours to try and get. She's Hos-" "He doesn't deserve her! She needs someone who's not weak willed and pathetic! And he's dirty! He's slept with so many women, he's filthy! I've slept with some too, but no where near the amount that he has!" "You can't decide what she needs. That's not something you can do. She may not care about his past, she's probably more concerned with what he's doing now." I calm down a little. "I just wish I could have met her first. I wish I could have been the one who found her. I wish I could have begged her to be with me the next day, because I would have for a girl like her. I'd have said goodbye the morning after. I'd have been considerate of her feelings and I wouldn't have been selfish." "I understand that. I understand everything you're saying; but you can't keep these fantasies alive. They're wearing you down." "I want to be the one who got to sleep next to her instead of him. I want to be the one who held her through the night. To him she was just an easy lay. She would have been special to me." "You're thinking about this way too much. You can't go back in time. It won't happen. You'll never be able to be the first of any of those things." I burst again. "I know and it kills me! I don't know what to do and I'm getting hit so hard by this because I've never dealt with it! I'm an absolute wreck and it's so stupid!" "You don't need to feel stupid for being depressed or hurt over this. That's normal. People can experience heartbreak many times in their life." "How can I be heartbroken over a girl I was never with and will never have a chance to be with! That's ridiculous!" "I think you're heartbroken by the pretend relationship you're playing out in your head. The scenes you keep thinking about are making you hurt yourself when you snap back to reality and remember that they'll never be real." "How do I stop?" "I have no idea." "How do I stop when she'll be in my life as long as they're together? How can I heal wounds that keep breaking open because of things as simple as hearing the text tone he has for her?" "I don't know." "I need you to know! You know everything Namjoon! Please, just please tell me what to do." "I can't help you that way. I can be someone to confide in and a shoulder to cry on, but I can't give you advice on things I don't know about." I fall backwards onto the bed. "Then I'll just see if this will work eventually. I don't have the will to try to do anything else." "How long are you going to keep this up?" "As long as it takes." He sighs. "I'll leave you alone for now, but I'm not going to let you stay in here forever. It'll get better, okay? I'll be here to help you get through this." He walks out and I roll back over with my blanket wrapped tightly around me. What's happened to me. How could I let myself become like this. I've never acted this erratic. I've always been normal. Now, I'm a freak. I was creepy and I scared her away. I'm sick. To do all those things I did I'd have to be sick. Namjoon is right, I'm wrecking myself over a fictional and impossible relationship. I'm driving myself insane constantly thinking about what could have been and what could be, but won't ever happen. I don't know how to stop though. I can't just delete her from my memory. I can't turn off the feelings I have for her that easily. What's it going to take to make me realize that there's absolutely no hope in this. They love eachother. They don't just like or care for eachother anymore; they're in love. Her heart belongs to him. No matter what I do, I can't change that. I can't steal it. Especially not when I went about this all in such an unhealthy way. I mean look at me; I broke my friend's trust for this, I harassed her, and then told her that I'm in love with her and that we'd be perfect together when neither of us know eachother beyond two conversations. I'm seriously ill. Now I'm sitting here unable to properly function. My chest is in near-constant pain. It's like my heart is being twisted and it burns. Every time I get surges of this intense pain my muscles tense up, I reflexively clench my jaw, and tears are forced out. It's how someone would react to actual injuries being inflicted upon them. Heartbreak is actually real, it's not just a figure of speech; and this feeling reminds me that I love her and she tore my heart in half. How can I even believe something as outrageous as me loving her? I don't even know her. I feel like I do, but everyone's right, I don't. How could I? I'm not in love, I'm delusional. I'm in love with the idea of her being in love with me. I'm infatuated. Wrong; I passed that point a long time ago. Am I obsessed? I don't know what exact qualifications need to be met for something to be considered an obsession. Is it how much time I spend thinking about her? That's a large portion of my day. I'll be eating and wonder if she likes that food, too. I'll watch a movie and imagine what it'd be like to have my head resting on her lap. I'll get dressed and think about whether she'd find me cute when I look that way. My phone will ring and I'll close my eyes praying that it's her, only to be disappointed when I open them and see it's not. Is it how far I'd go to try to get her to notice me? I'd pay one friend to give me a code to invade my other friend's privacy. I'd use my music that I haven't shown anyone just to get her to talk to me for a mere ten minutes. I'd text her everyday dying for one response, even if it was her lying about being busy. I knew she wasn't busy, but I was happy just to have my existence acknowledged by her. Does it depend on how depressing it is knowing I can't be with her? I'm troubled by the fact that I'll never experience waking up and finding her in the kitchen cooking breakfast for us, and then hugging her from behind as I say good morning. I feel lonely because I'll never have a lazy day with her, or take naps where I can cuddle her and she'll wake me up with a kiss. I'm disappointed that I'll never be able to give her a hard time for taking too long to get ready for our date, and then telling her it's okay because she looks absolutely gorgeous. I get sad because I won't be able to complain that her make up is taking up too much room in the bathroom cabinet. I wonder why I should even bother to write songs if I can't dedicate one to her. If that's what it requires, then I think I've met that criteria. It's obvious if I'm this empty and broken after everything that's happened. It was a one sided love based on a short exchange of words and a feeling of comfort. A feeling that she gives to everyone. I'm not someone special to her and I never will be. Am I so starved for comfort and attention from a girl that accepted me for who I was, that I'd let thoughts of her take over my life? Was I so blocked off from the world that when one girl climbed that wall, I lost it? She only wanted me to like her so that Hoseok would be happy and they wouldn't have to deal with me. That way she didn't have to feel like she was pushing us apart. She never did come between us. I think in order for that to happen, that she'd have had to lead me on. I put her between us. I made her my priority over everything else. I chose throwing myself at her instead of keeping my friendship alive. I hurt Hoseok, I completely shattered his already deteriorating trust in me. I singlehandedly demolished our friendship. I have no idea when, or if, we'll be able to be friends again. I told myself that I'd never let a girl get between me and him. Yet, here I am. He kicked my ass because I couldn't restrain myself. Was our friendship honestly not enough of a reason to stay away from her? I'm utterly pathetic. I can't imagine how hard it was for him to hear about everything I did. To be told by his girlfriend that one of his close friends was in love with her. I didn't stop at confessing to her, either. I told her that I was better and she should pick me over him. Then instead of apologizing to him when he confronted me, I told him he wasn't good enough and he didn't deserve her. What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm sure Namjoon had to explain what happened. This wasn't something that could be pushed aside and forgotten. Everyone probably thinks I'm a deceitful, uncaring bastard for what I did, and they'd be right to think that. Because that's exactly what I am. Namjoon is the only one to show any concern for me. Although, I don't really know if he honestly cares; or if he's disgusted by me too, but has to try to keep the group together. I am disgusting. I've lost any respect and dignity I had. I can't even respect myself anymore. I just need to move on. That's all there is to it and that's my only option. I can't live like this. I wish there was a way to distract myself, if only for a moment. To get some relief. To feel something besides heartache and hopelessness. Hell, it'd even be better to feel nothing at all. I'd take anything over how I feel now. A week is too long to feel like this. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. ... This is the best solution I could come up with. I can't use pills to numb the pain, I wouldn't even know where to try and find them. I can't drink it away, that's too obvious and everyone would stop me immediately. This is the only option I have. I can try it and see if it'll help. If other people feel better from it, then who's to say I won't too. I can hide it fairly easily and no one will know. It'll only be this once. If I can feel a little better, then I'll be able to help myself get back up and try to move on. Just a little hope, that's all I need. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I'm even paler than usual and my eyes have huge, dark circles under them. I wonder how much weight I've lost from not eating enough. I don't know how I can even manage to get through basic everyday tasks anymore. I look lifeless. I feel lifeless. If I wasn't as desperate as I am, I might be afraid of whether it will hurt. But any other feeling would be better; a change is welcome. Whether it be a good or bad feeling, at least it will be different from the only thing I've felt for over a month now. I can't take this stifling misery any longer. I need to stop thinking and just do it. I've made up my mind. I turn on the faucet and run the water in the sink. I pick it up and stare at it. I'll be fine, slow and shallow. Just enough pressure to try to rid myself of these suffocating emotions. Not too close to the wrist, not where I can feel a pulse, right? Right. I put it to my skin. I know how sharp it is. I know I don't have to push hard, barely any pressure is needed. Almost none at all. I slowly and gently pull it across. I watch as the blood exits my body, carrying away some of the pain I feel as it leaves. As it drips off my arm and falls into the sink, it's washed away forever. I feel like some of this despair is being washed away as well. I'm restarting. I feel tears coming, though for the first time in a long time, it's not from sadness. It's from the comfort of knowing something could finally help. I wish tears alone could have taken this much pain away with them. But after a month, I've realized they simply couldn't. Why does it make me feel better? Why would something like this loosen the chains that are tying me to the bottom of this cavern in my mind, where I'm so low I can't even see a dot of light anymore. Why did my mind break all at once? I thought I was so strong, but I'm not. I'm weak. Was I always this unstable? Was this something that was destined to happen eventually and this was just what triggered it? Is this how I am when I like a woman? I lose my senses and become detached from reality. My priorities give way, and the most important thing in my life becomes her and desperate attempts to make her mine. Will I always be this way, this unhealthy? In a few months I've lost focus and I've lost myself. It consumed my thoughts. I let it become my life. And when those thoughts had to end, it felt like my life was cut short at the same time. What had become the center of my life, was gone. The thing I strove for was no longer something I could try to get. I had no goal or meaning in life anymore. Of all the things to have my life fall apart over, it was a girl. It was a chain reaction that led to a landslide. I still don't know if this is truly the bottom. It feels like it, but I don't know if my mind will just hand me a shovel to dig myself deeper into a cold darkness. I needed to find a way to cope before I started digging. As I hold a cold, damp rag to my arm I feel like I've finally gained some of my footing back. There's a little hope. I can feel better. I let some of that pain out. I got a little ways from the bottom. It's a small step, but I believe it's a good sign. It's what I needed.
I, in no way, advocate self-harm. I do not, nor have I ever agreed with it as a coping mechanism. While I understand why people can be brought to it and how they get some kind of relief from it, I will always say that medicine and therapy work wonders. If you are in a rough spot, I know it's hard to put yourself out there to get help, but doing this is not going to help you in the long run. Getting the help is well worth it, believe me.
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