Parts: all found here
WARNING: Mature content
- Yoongi's point of view - It's been a little over a month. Six weeks maybe, and everyone is glad that I'm feeling better. I actually do feel a lot better. Things are starting to look up and I'm learning how to accept reality. I'm coming to terms with everything. Am I one-hundred percent happy? No. I don't know when that will happen. I don't know if I can be like that anymore. Not on my own, not without needing something to help me cope. I said I'd do it once. That was the deal. One time to let me know there was some light at the end of that seemingly endless tunnel. I broke that promise. I broke it a lot since then. Every time I felt like I had purged some of that depression, some would always seep back in and drag me back down. Nobody's caught on, long sleeves are my saving grace, I've been making sure when I throw away any bandages that they're shoved down as far as possible, and I've been cleaning the couple blood stained rags myself. So far it's kept anyone from knowing. They can't find out. They can't take away the only thing that helps me. I need it. I don't do it that much. I don't think I do. How much is too much? One time alone is too much, but I know I'm going overboard. At a minimum, I try my best to put a day in between; that's if I can manage. I really try, but sometimes it's too much and I find myself needing to release some of the pent up emotions that are constantly weighing me down. Other times it just feels like I need to do it out of habit, to do it before I start to feel it creep up again. I don't always know why I'm crying, why I'm depressed, or what exactly is upsetting me; but it's there, I feel it clear as day. It's not about her anymore. I've gotten past that, I really have. It's not my lost friendship, because I know now that it's not gone forever. It's become a part of me I guess. It refuses to let go, it keeps clinging onto me. The more life it drains out of me the heavier it gets and the harder it is to keep myself moving. I wonder what I'll do about these scars though. That was a flaw in my way of thinking, but when it was only going to be that once it wasn't going to matter. When there's going to be this many on both arms though, there's not going to be an easy way to explain that. Everyone will know eventually, I can't hide them forever. If it's after I'm turned around though, then it'll be okay. They may feel bad for not noticing, but it won't be happening anymore so they won't have to worry. I'm not going to lie and say this is okay, that this is healthy; because I know it isn't. I'm relying on it too heavily. Someday I'll fix it for good though, it won't be inside me anymore, I'll have finally gotten rid of it. It won't be able to get back into me either; because I'll be strong enough to keep it out. ... It's so nice to be able to enjoy being around everyone again. Even Hoseok is including me in his life again. That's such a relief. He's so forgiving. I can laugh sometimes. I can laugh for real and when I do, I can see it in their eyes that they're relieved that they don't have to worry anymore. They think I've completely recovered, and for the most part I believe I have. Jimin shoves Tae. "Stop trying to take my food! You know it's my favorite!" Tae tries to take it again. "Don't be so mean, I just want one bite." Jin sighs. "Guys come on. Can we go one night without you two arguing at the table?" Jimin tries to defend himself. "Tell him that! He's always trying to bother me!" "Am not. You just think I am because you don't know how to have fun." Jimin gets up and puts Tae in a head lock. "Is this fun you little brat?" "You're not that strong so it is a little like playing." Jin gets up. "This is getting to be too much." He starts trying to pry him off, but Jimin loses his balance and falls backward. He knocks over the trash can and the contents spill out all over the floor. Jin shakes his head. "See what happens? Clean that up." Shit! I can see the bandages from here! There's so many because we waited too long to take out the garbage! "Jimin, you eat! I'll pick it all up since I'm done!" Jin stops me. "He can pick it up, he's the one who made the mess." No, I can't believe this. I worked so hard to keep it to myself. Why do we only have one garbage can! He's picking up the garbage but stops. "Did someone get really hurt?" The guys look over at him. "There's a lot of bloody bandages over here. I feel like we would've noticed someone getting hurt enough to need to use this many." Namjoon looks at him, then back at the table. After a few moments he sighs. "Don't worry about that. Just throw them away." He uses a tissue to pick them up. "Gross." I hope no one puts two and two together. I hope they just move on. ... It's been a day and no one's said anything so I think they forgot. That's good. I don't know what I'd do if they knew. That'd be embarrassing, and I'd feel awful for disappointing them. I'd be absolutely ashamed of myself. Someone knocks on my door. "Yeah?" Hoseok pokes his head in. "Wanna come play a video game with me? Nobody is good enough to beat me and I miss having some real competition." I smile. "Sure!" We walk into the living room, and everyone is sitting in there. "Are we going to take turns playing or something?" Namjoon looks up. "Why don't you sit down." "Okay? What's going on?" "We all need to have a discussion." No. Please god, no. "Yoongi. Are you okay?" "Never better! You've seen how good I've felt the last few weeks." "I have. But I want to know if you're definitely okay. Nothing at all is wrong. That life is back to normal for you." "Sure it is." That wasn't very convincing. I look around and everyone is looking at me with pity. "Is something going on? Why is everyone like this?" "It's kind of hot, why don't you take off your sweater. You look like your dying from heat stroke." I smile pleasantly. "I'm fine really. It's my favorite one and I'm comfortable." "Can you tell us why there were bloody bandages all over in the trash." "No, what's that have to do with me?" "No one else got hurt." "So? I didn't either." "Not that we can see. You haven't worn a T-shirt in over a month. It's the hottest time of the year." "What does that have to do with this?" He sighs. "Can you please tell us the truth?" I'm about to cry. I shake my head. Jin puts his arm around me. "We aren't mad or anything. We just want you to be okay. We're worried." Tears start falling as I force a smile. "I'm fine now, you don't need to worry." "You can't do this anymore. We know what you're doing, okay? You can't keep us in the dark." Hoseok is tearing up too. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I did this to you. I made you feel this way." "It's not your fault, it's mine. It was all my fault." He walks over and hugs me. I can hear genuine desperation in his voice. "Please rely on us. Stop feeling like you have to be on your own. I can't stand by and watch one of my best friends do this to himself." I start crying more and put my face into his shoulder. "I don't know what to do. It's all that helps. I can't find another way. It was only supposed to be one time, but it helped and I wanted it to help more. I needed it." "You need to get better." "That's what I've been trying to do." "You can't do that on your own." He takes a deep breath and sighs. "And it's gotten so bad that we can't help you by ourselves." They can't send me away! "I'm not leaving! I'm not going anywhere!" Tae tries to help. "You wouldn't be away forever, and you'd come back as soon as you were doing better." "You can't make me!" Namjoon won't look up. "We can. But it'd be easier if you went willingly. It'd be better for you if you could know that you wanted to go and get help. It'd make you more willing to accept their help." "No! No! No! I'm not going and you won't make me! You can't and you won't!" I try to push Hoseok away from me, but he holds me tighter. Why does everyone have to be stronger than me! "I don't need anyone's help or pity! I'm fine and I'm strong enough to get through it on my own!" "Please. We can't stand to see you like this." "You'll have to tie me up and force me through those fucking doors because I'm not going to that place! I'm not fucking crazy and I refuse to be treated like I am!" Jungkook is quietly crying. "You're not crazy. We know that. But you're sad. And if you can't be happy on your own, if we can't help you be happy, then someone else will need to help you." I finally push Hoseok off me. I get up and get away from them. They're fucking cornering me. I'm screaming. I'm not yelling anymore. I'm screaming like I'm possessed. "Fuck all of you! It'll make it worse! I'll feel worse and it will be everyone's fault! Do you want that! Do you want to hurt me more! You'll make me fall back down that goddamn hole after how much I've climbed out of it! I'm almost out! I've gotten this far on my own, I don't need help!" Namjoon gets up and tries to grab me. My heart is racing and it feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. "Get away from me!" "No just le-" As soon as his hand touches me, I punch him in the face. "I said get away from me!" I back up more. I need to get away from them. I want them to leave me alone. I turn around and run to the only room that locks. I run to the bathroom, slam the door, and lock it. "I'm not going! I'll stay in here until you tell me you're not going to make me go! You think I'm lying, but I'm not! I'll stay in here as long as it takes!" I sit and lean against the bathtub. I'm hugging my knees, I'm clutching my pants so tightly that I feel like my fingers are going to fall off, my muscles are all so tense that I'm shaking, and I'm absolutely bawling. I don't want to go. I'm not crazy and I'm not sick anymore. I'm fine enough to stay here. I can't believe they'd make me leave. I can't believe they could just kick me out of their lives like that. That they'd get rid of me as soon as I've started feeling better. "I hate you! I hate you all so much!" I can hear them outside the door talking to eachother. They cornered me like a fucking animal. They're all against me. What's happened to me. Who is this. It's not me. This isn't me. It isn't Min Yoongi. There's someone else. I pound on my head. "Get out! Just get out! I don't want you!" Someone's knocking on the door. "Yoongi, are you okay? Who are you screaming at?" It's Jimin. "Whatever's inside me that's making me this way!" "Nothing is inside you." "Then why am I like this! It's not me!" "I'm not too sure what's happened, but I know that everything will be okay. Whatever's wrong can be resolved." His voice is so soft. It's so calming. "Are you okay? You've been quiet for a minute. Is something wrong?" "Jimin can you come in? If I let you in, will you promise not to make me come out?" "Of course. I wouldn't make you do that. I promise." "If you break your promise, I don't know what I'll do." "I won't." My knees are weak as I walk to the door. I unlock it and Jimin opens it and walks in. He shuts it behind him. "Lock it." "Okay." I sit back down by the bathtub. My body is empty. My legs are lying flat in front of me and my arms are limp with my hands in my lap. I'm blank, I'm void of emotions. I'm too drained to turn them back on. I don't know how I can shut down so abruptly. "Mind if I sit down by you?" I can think things just fine, but it's so hard to muster up the energy to talk. "That's fine." He sits and leans against the tub. "Jimin. Why'd it happen?" "What exactly happened?" "My mind, it suddenly just went down in flames. It got worse and worse so fast." "I don't know what happened. But I do know that it's not impossible to bring you out of this. You can get back on your feet." "I've snapped though. I reached my breaking point, and I broke." "You haven't snapped and you're not broken. You'll be okay." I pause for a few moments. "I'm not broken?" He shakes his head. "You're not at all broken." When someone else says it, it sounds like it might be true and I can almost believe it. "I don't know who I am anymore." He puts his arm around me and makes me lean on his shoulder. He gently pats my head. For once, I'm okay with being comforted like a child. "You're...a different Min Yoongi. You're still Yoongi. You're just different right now." "Will I ever go back to normal?" "You will. You just need a little guidance. You need someone to show you the way to your old self. You're lost, but you won't be lost forever." "How can they find me, if I can't even do it? I should be able to do it on my own." "There's nothing wrong with getting help to find your way back. They know how to do that, they've done it many times for many different people. They know how to talk you through that difficult maze that you're trapped in. They can show you the way out." "They can?" "I guarantee it." "What if they can't though. What if I'm stuck in there forever and can't get out?" "You will. You need to trust me. You may not trust them because you don't know them. But you can always trust me. Can you trust me?" "I can." "I promise you that you'll be okay. Everything will be fine." I pause again. "I like your voice Jimin. It's very soothing. Did you know that?" He smiles. "I didn't, but I'm glad it could help you calm down." "I'm tired. I'm so worn down." "I bet you are. It's been a hard few months for you." "It's been so hard. I don't know how it got like this." "Well, sometimes things happen that can bring out very bad feelings in people who had never shown any signs of them before. People are fragile. We can only take so much." "I'm sick." "Is that how you feel?" "Yeah. I'm not well. The moment I started obsessing over her is the moment it started falling apart. I shouldn't be doing any of this. I know that I shouldn't have been cutting myself, but it made me feel better. It made me feel like all that misery was being forced out a little at a time. I needed it." "I can't imagine how hard it is. I can't imagine how badly you must have felt to bring you to that. I wish you would have come to us for help." "I'd been such a terrible person that I didn't think anyone would want to help me. I didn't want your pity, not after what I'd done. I didn't deserve any compassion." "You just wandered down a path that took you far away, you got lost. You didn't mean to get the way you did. We've known you long enough to know that none of that was how you usually were." "But I still hurt Hoseok, I hurt him so much." "He forgives you." "Because he feels bad for me." "No. He forgives you because you're his friend. We're like a family and we're here for eachother. He wasn't going to be angry at you forever. That's not him, and he knew that none of that was you." "It wasn't me." "We know that, and we want you to feel better. We want you to be okay with yourself. We want you to forgive yourself." "I can't." "I think you could." "Not now." "Someday?" "...someday." "That's good." "Can I take off my sweatshirt? Will you not get upset? It's really hot and if it's just you I think I'll okay. If it's only one person, I might be okay." "That's fine. I won't be upset." "I just don't want anyone to see. I feel so ashamed that I was so weak." "You don't need to be ashamed. You're not weak either. It happens. It was out of your control. No one will judge you. Me especially. I won't judge you." I unzip my sweatshirt. I don't want to take it off, but it's so damn hot and uncomfortable. I've been hot and uncomfortable for over a month. I had to sleep in long sleeved shirts or sweatshirts in case someone woke me up. I don't want anyone to see what I've done to myself. I don't want anyone to see how sick I am. "It's okay. Believe me, it'll be okay." I take my arms out of sleeves and rest them back on my legs in front of me. I hear him sigh. "Yoongi..." "I know." "How long have you been doing that?" "I don't know. A month." "You did all that in a month?" "Yeah." He has a few tears going down his cheeks. "Why didn't you come to us? I wish you would have." "Me too." It's quiet for a few minutes. He's still patting my head. He's such a good friend. "Do you know when you'll want to come out of the bathroom?" "If I come out of the bathroom you'll all make me leave. I don't want to leave. I don't want to have to go there. I'm not ready yet." "Do you think that you could be ready tomorrow?" "...maybe." It's quiet for another minute or two. "Do you want to go to bed? I can tell you're tired. You put your body through a lot of stress tonight. You exhausted yourself." "Can you make everyone leave me alone?" "I can, but is it okay if I stay with you?" "You want to make sure I don't do anything." "Yes, but I also don't want you to feel abandoned. We're not going to abandon you." I think for a few moments. "Can you pat my head until I fall asleep?" It's such a childish request, but I kind of like the feeling of it now. He let's out a light, caring laugh. "Of course. I can definitely do that for you." "I want to go to bed. Will you tell them to go. I'm sure some of them are by the door still." "Alright." He gets up and opens the door a little. He looks out there. "Do you think it'd be okay if you leave? I'm going to take him to bed. He said he's tired." I hear Namjoon. "He can't be left alone." "I know. I'm going to stay with him tonight. I'll make sure he's okay." "Well, you calmed him down this much so you're obviously the only one he feels safe with." "I guess so." He lowers his voice, but I can still hear him. "Did you ask him about going to get help?" "He's not ready yet, but he said he might be ready tomorrow." I hear him let out a sigh. "Thank God. I don't know what we would have done if he refused." "Anyway. Can you figure out what's going to happen. Talk to the manager, talk to whoever you have to." He looks back at me. "Is that okay? If they tell some other people?" "They're going to have to aren't they?" "Yeah." "Then it'll have to be okay, won't it." "I suppose you're right." He turns back to look in the hallway. "Just go get everything started. I'm taking him to bed. He looks like he's about to collapse. He really wore himself out." "That's fine. He needs to rest. Let us know if anything happens." "Right." He watches as they walk away. "They're gone now. Come on." I put my sweatshirt back on. He holds out his hand and helps me up. It's really hard to walk. "You gonna make it?" "I think so. I'm just slow right now." "That's fine. Just let me know if you're going to fall over, okay?" I nod. We walk down the hall to my room. I take off my sweatshirt again, it feels nice to have it off. I lie down facing the wall and tightly wrap the blanket around me. I feel safer. Jimin sits on the edge of the bed and starts patting my head, like I asked. After a couple minutes I start to feel bad he's sitting there doing that. "You can stop if you want to." "Do you think this is that difficult?" "I don't want to bother you." "Just go to sleep okay. I want to make sure you feel comfortable enough to sleep. I don't mind." "Okay. But you can lay down when I fall asleep." "Okay." After a minute, I can feel myself drifting to sleep. It's that moment when you're so close to being asleep, but still notice things going on around you. Jimin is talking to himself. "Ah. He's asleep. Good." I feel him lay down next to me. I roll over so I'm facing him. He's lying on his back. I get closer and give him some of my blanket. He smiles a little. "Thanks." I put my forehead against his shoulder. Some physical contact, that's all I need. I just want to know someone's there. I have such good friends. I don't want to make trouble for them, or make them worry anymore. I'll go, I'll leave tomorrow. For now though, I want to enjoy my last night's sleep in my own bed. I don't know when I'll be able to sleep in it again. Soon, I hope.
@axosrain @Mercedesbenz98 @MichelleIbarra @Jaiipanda @Bitterlimelight @drummergirl691 @NadineEsquivel @PrincessUnicorn @Emealia @CreeTheOtaku @B1A4BTS5ever @destiny1419 @Bitterlimelight @kpopandkimchi @SarangRavi @YeseniaLira @BulletproofV @KPopFandom @justcallmekyki @musicmofo @LilySilver @CassidyRoush @carolinaquito14 @VioletaDelRio @AliciaStransky @minimonkey07 @StefaniTre @KaylaNoble @may99 @AmandaOwnbey @UnnieCakesAli @JazzyJazJaz @Rhia @JasmineWilliams @bangtanella @SugaOnTop @ToppDogg @nerdy3000 @SusiBosshammer @TLeahEdwards @Lizzeh @Jiyongixoxo @moonchild03 @Maddie27 @funnelcakeboo @rosajlm2 @AnnieGoodman @vyntnguyen24 @SunshineChang @StephaniePoore @MichelleIbarra @Onenonlybovie @rapmonsterous20 @MinDeji @ArielaPicazo @Gizzy2002 @CocatolaOtaku @TiffanyBibian @Stefany17 @hobisprincess @JasminPerez @Simba14 @raenel @ARMYStarlight @Meeshell @sugakookie @jiminsabs @tinaechle @OnLarrysCloud @JessicaFigueroa @VeronicaArtino @DesireeChucklez @jazgaara33 @ILikeHisFace123 @krin @SkyRollins @Kyokeo @SunnaWalo @MandyNoona @Angelblue @Roxy1903 @DreaG1518 @aliciasalinas @KeziahWright @Kpoplover20 @KpopGaby @AlmaRangel @ilennrocks @vlargos @fleaisms @DamarisCisneros @SierraBecerra @poojas @ElniWyatt @JelliBelli111 @CassieWarens @KellyOConnor @kpopbunny9 @VIPFreak2NE1 @pkhyeri @JadeNarine @ccebox47 @Kpossible4250 @amobigbang @SilentPianist @thatoneoutcast @NelyLovo @XionHeart @SamanthaRae19 @Ligaya @AdiaJasinskin @emilyanpham14 @luna1171 @MaricelvaRomero @squishyseokjin @xxxtina @CandaceJordan @TeaeraHarrell @nenegrint14 @kmeier230 @MZDawson31508 @ChavaBerry @11erinmims @Ticasensei @Taehyungie @LaurenStrayhorn @gummydragon @brirodriguez412 @ShimJooKyung @blackirishawk @TaehyungKey @shelbiisonfire @sarangseoltang @Britneygraham @torchix @MischiefK1ng @Helixx @JohnHomampha @yewookyu @VKookie47 @staceyholley @Defy24601 @externallyeli @CarlaAcosta @christianliu @Lashonda0917 @jessicacheung97 @terenailyn @DestinaByrd @Tigerlily84 @SugalessJams @ninjamidori @JadeOwens @viviano6 @Dabaesaplayer @JasminMartinez @EdithJang @Gianlica @PandaSoapy @Kelsiumm @JinsPrincess86 @KatMejia @FrancescaV95BTS @ChelseaGarcia @AlexAckerman @Chiqiang @ydona @HyunnieKim @MariahMaes @kgutierrez @NaughTae @CallMeMsDragon @leelee12 @Zyxzj @Byeoli @ChauncySutton13 @KarenGuerra93 @BessanMerab @twistedPuppy @lolImbetter09 @JayRaider @Xoxojessica12 @TheEnlightment @mirandazamira @LlamaBaozi577 @parkjiminBTS @Misschimchim @Tamaki1618 @abby177 @aprillove196 @christianliu @faith92 @XionHeart @tiffany1922 @BridgetJara @RandomName @LemonLassie @BrendaPham @KaeliShearer @DeyaniraEstrada @AyameTenchu @DeniseiaGardner @CamrynCherry @TesneemElAlami @oahn99 @MickieDanels15 @Stephany123 @SugaMint @Nikolmaii @AubrieSmith @paligurl2846 @HayleyYates @ahluetters @Miss148 @krystalrikpop @SaraHanna @MarciMartinez @HaleyHerbig @ShinoYuki @koinii @conversehigh @makidabebe @kekers96 @yeseniamh23 @naomicheekydoll @myylifeisnow @gyapittman @nikkynoel @misssukyi @KokoroNoTakara @MrsChanyeol @unnieARMkeY @lucinda @samton07 @Jocelynne03 @DalyRomero @dragoncrisis @ToyaiSummers @ValerieAlissaPa @KarolinaTrevino @yaya12 @sarahdarwish @resavalencia @lizochoa @AbbyRoscoe @SierraBecerra @Pickles440 @RKA916