Parts: all found here
WARNING: Mature content
- Boram's point of view - "My past?" "Yeah. Like anything you think I deserve to know. Things I may be upset to find out about ten years from now. Upset because you didn't tell me, not necessarily for what it is." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This has already been a really enlightening conversation for him. How forgiving is he? I think this could be pushing it. I really think it will be beyond his compassion. I'm not sure if he'll even care what my reasons were. "You're sure you want to talk about these things all at once?" "It's as good a time as any, right? I assure you no matter what it is, I shouldn't want to break up with you over it." I hope so. "Okay. So you know how I told you the bar I work at is less than classy and the male customers treat us rather poorly." "I do." "I've worked there for about five years now." "Okay." "I wasn't always a bartender." "What were you?" Shit. This is so fucked. He seems so innocent that I don't know how much of the real world he's experienced. Just spit it out. "I was a stripper." "What!" "Only for like less than two years!" Only. Maybe if it was two months I could use the word only, but not two years. "You stripped and you're just telling me this now! Not to mention the fact that you still work there!" "I'm a bartender, I'm clothed, and when I very occasionally waitress, I'm still clothed." "Barely, I'm sure!" "I know. I know. I'm not proud of it. Not for what I did or what I do now." "Can you at least tell me why?" "Why what?" "Why you stripped! Was there a reason for it! Or do you just like taking your clothes off for strange men!" "You know that anxiety I have?" "What does that have to do with this!" "It's relevant! I have the most anxiety over being a burden to other people and an extremely close second is money!" "So what!" I feel so bad for getting him this mad, but I just don't think I should keep something like this a secret. He's right, I'd have felt way worse if he somehow found out years from now. As much as I think that'd be unlikely, stranger things have happened and it's not impossible. I mean, take this relationship for an example of how impossible things happen. I'd want to know if someone I was dating had done something like that. I'd be pissed if I found out from someone else. It's not like I was a waitress at Hooters, that's way less of a big deal. Nothing compared to this. "So I stripped to be able to move out of my parents house not long after I graduated high school. That way I wouldn't have to keep relying on them. I needed money to pay rent and college tuition, college isn't cheap. I also wanted to make enough that I could have a little extra to save for the future in case something ever happened." He's not talking. He's so pissed. "I work there now so I can keep saving money. Believe me, I don't live in the best place considering the amount of money I make. I live in the cheapest apartment building in town. It's pretty bad for the most part, but I live there to save money. I'm absolutely compelled to save money and I feel guilty when I spend it. I rarely buy much for myself. I mean, I still have clothes from when I was fifteen. I have my reasons why I work there and I certainly don't plan on working there forever. In fact, I should be leaving within a year. I have a degree for medical administrative work, which is what I plan on doing. So to answer your question; no, I don't just like taking my clothes off for strange men." He hasn't said anything for a long time. "But stripping?" "It's not as bad as you'd think." "How can it not be as bad as I think!" "I wouldn't be surprised if you assume that because I was a stripper, that I also whored myself out." He pauses. "I thought that was sort of normal for them." "No. That's a whole different business. I mean some girls do both, but not most." "So you only took your clothes off?" "I only took my clothes off." "That's still a big deal though!" "Not really. I mean, I'm not naked in a magazine somewhere. There's no photos out there of me. If you ask me, I think that'd be worse." "How can you be so calm about it?" "Because I realize how much it doesn't really change anything. I don't strip now. I'm a bartender there, but it's not even remotely the same." "It's just. What would everyone think if they knew?" "I'm really sorry. You've put up with a lot from me, you really have. I'm seriously surprised at how much you were willing to look past, it's admirable. You're a really good guy, but I had a feeling this would be the thing that'd push you to officially becoming ashamed of me." I hope that didn't sound like I'm making him feel guilty. I really do understand it. He sighs. "Boram, I'm not ashamed of you." "Generally you're ashamed when you're worried about what people will think of you because of who your girlfriend is, especially if you think they'll see her as a whore. I get it. I get why you'd be worried, I'm sure most of it is about what your family would think, right?" "Mostly." "Want to know how to avoid them judging me and being disappointed in you?" "How?" "You don't tell them. I work only an hour and a half away and after five years my own parents still don't know where I work. Yours live in Korea, so I think we'll be pretty damn safe." He laughs. "True." "So, are you ashamed of me? Do you think I'm a bad person for what I did or where I work? Please be honest with me. I'd understand completely if you are." He doesn't hesitate for a second. "I'm still not ashamed. Would my family be happy about it? Hell no. Not at all. That's the truth. But like you said, they don't really have to know. I know you well enough to make my own judgement about your character." "What's your verdict?" "You're a good person. I told you before that your job didn't define you, and it still doesn't. I hate where you work even more than before; but if you say you won't work there much longer, then I can sort of deal with it. The past doesn't really matter remember? If you can see past everything I've done before being with you, then I can get over this. At least you had a legitimate reason for what you did. Me on the other hand; for the lack of a better term, I was just a slut." I can't help but laugh. "What?" "Nothing, I've just never heard a guy refer to himself as a slut with such honesty." "Well I me-" "You really are something else. You're too much, you're so forgiving. You're like a prince from a fairytale. You're absolutely perfect. You treat me so much better than I deserve." "I yelled at you just now. I also insinuated that you enjoyed taking your clothes off for strange men. I even thought you were a prostitute until you clarified that you weren't. How is that treating you well?" "You heard me out and you forgave me. You still think I'm a good person. That's better than anyone else would treat me in this sort of situation. You may be a little oblivious as to how the world works, especially in America, which is totally understandable since you don't live here, but you make up for that with maturity. You're very mature. You can see both sides to something. You can hear someone's reasons and be willing to look past things." "So...I'm mature now?" "You were always pretty mature and grown up." "I'm glad." "Although I kind of wish you'd have gotten a little angrier. I feel bad when you forgive me so quickly for things. I feel like if you yell at me then at least you can make me feel bad about it or something. I mean I feel terrible about it already, but it'd be more of to make you feel better." "I did get mad." "For like ten minutes and you could have said meaner things. I don't know, I just feel bad when you forgive me so much. I feel like I'm taking advantage of your kindness." "You're not in any way taking advantage of me. I'm nice, not stupid. I love you, but if I didn't want to forgive this, then I wouldn't. You didn't make me feel guilty and you didn't manipulate me. I listened to what you said, thought about it, and moved on. I'm not going to sit here and dwell on something you did over three years ago." "Okay, I believe you." "By the way, I can be meaner next time you tell me something that makes me mad. If that will somehow make you happy, then I guess I can do that. How mean? Like make you cry mean?" "It's not like I get off on it! I just meant if it'd make you feel better then you can be more mad and say meaner things. You wouldn't have to feel bad about it either. If it's a good reason, then you can certainly make me cry." "Why would you want me to verbally abuse you? Why do you think that'd make me feel better to make my girlfriend cry?" "Because it seems like most people feel better when they can yell at someone when they do something wrong." He sighs. "Am I most people?" "No." "Then don't say things like that to me. It's a bit insulting that you think I'd want to do something like that to you." "I'm sorry. I just don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of you." "Damn it, Boram! You're like a broken record! Stop! If you were trying to take advantage of me then I'd know it and I'd be pissed! I can tell when people are using me! You're not! So just shut up and stop talking about it!" I smile. There's something messed up about that, but I'm just happy he got a little mad at me. I don't want to feel like I'm always getting my way or that he never wants to say how he feels to avoid hurting my feelings. "Okay." "Are we done with this then? Can we just never talk about these things again?" "I'd definitely prefer that, yes." "I would, too." "I love you." "I know." "The typical response to that is saying you love me." "I'm aware." "Don't be mean!" "You should make up your mind; first you want me to be mean and now you don't." "When you're mad you don't have to spare my feelings too much, but you don't have to be mean all the time." "Oh, I misunderstood. Then I love you, too." "You think you're funny don't you?" "No. I know I'm funny." "I don't know what I'm going to do with you." "Laugh at my jokes and love me. I'm pretty easy to please. I'm about as high maintenance as a goldfish." I laugh. "That was funny. I'll try to keep that in mind." "You better." I sigh. "I can't wait to meet your parents some day so I can tell them they raised such a perfect son." "You're pretty invested in this relationship if you're talking about meeting my parents." "I am very invested in this relationship. Also, for the record, I said some day. I didn't say I wanted to meet them anytime soon. After we're together for a couple years I might be ready to meet them." "A couple years! You know if it was actually possible, I'd have wanted to meet your parents months ago!" "You're so weird!" "That's not weird! That's normal!" "Not to me. Of course, you're perfect so I'm sure you won't have anything to worry about whenever you end up meeting them." "You're right, I am pretty perfect. Almost to the point that I'm no longer human. I'm a higher being." "You can be so insecure sometimes, but you still manage to have some sort of god-complex. How is that?" "I'm only insecure about things that involve you. If you talk to other guys, I get worried that they're better than me." "They never will be." "I'll still worry." "I know, and I'll always worry that you'll meet some girl who's much more deserving of you." He scoffs. "No such girl exists. Only a goddess like you is fit to be with a god like me." "You're so sweet, but in the weirdest ways sometimes." "I can live with being weird." "I don't think I could ever live without your weird." "Now you're weird." "I always was." "I think I've come to a realization." "What's that?" "We were meant for eachother if calling one another weird is romantic for us." I laugh. "You're right. Well, that's just some more proof then. What's that, the one hundred and third reason that supports the fact that we're perfect for eachother?" "No. It's the one hundred and sixth reason, but I'll forgive your poor math skills." "How gracious of you." "I am a generous god." I sigh. "You're telling me."
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