– You know what a great sight to see is? A fridge full of food you just bought from the supermarket. It’s good.
– There should be a new cocktail drink every New Year’s Eve, but in order to drink it, everyone must drink the previous cocktails based on how old they are. And if they die of intoxication before reaching the New Year’s Eve drink, then you know it’s going to be a good year.
– If “The road is less traveled”, how can you tell if it’s worthy of travelling?
– Do you know why we don’t have a fully functional time machine? It’s because we didn’t have to time to make one.
– Whenever I’m in someone’s house and they’re not around, I like to write some things down on their to-do-list:
“Put whip crime inside a pair of clean socks.”
“Cover the label of a super glue bottle with a cover of an eye contact cleansing product.”
– I wonder what kind of sexual fantasies Quinton Tarantino has.
– I don’t have a Ferrari, a mansion, expensive clothing, or a gold watch. However, I do have a compact car, a small apartment, clothes from 2001, and a black bracelet. Things are looking pretty good.
– “This is national dildo month. Do your part and go fuck yourself today.”
– I have no feelings at all. The only feelings I have are sarcasm, insults, and anger flowing through my veins. It’s a genetic accident that’s helped me through life. I think I might have a problem.
– Everywhere you look, every person is on their phones looking at their Facebook, taking pictures of themselves and their food, recording Vine videos, and other computing options to give them ADD. Yet it’s rare to see one of them walking into a pole.
– "Dear Joe, I hope you’re doing well and let’s hope this night goes accordingly. So I’m proposing we have sex in the stable. I’ll let you know when I feel any labor pain in my stomach during this accommodation. Love Mary."
– When I was little, my parents told me that drugs are bad. Now that I’m an adult, my doctor tells me that I need drugs to live while avoiding taking other drugs that might kill me. Tough sale.
– With all the technology that is being put out every year by Microsoft, Apple, Sony, and other companies, there should be a new product entitled “The piece of shit” and see how sells. I’ll bet the profits will go well in stock.
– Whenever I watch those deep sea divers on TV in cages and the fishermen in the boat handing out bait to the sharks, I’m always waiting and rooting for the sharks to strike back.
– The title “The Legend of Zelda” is about a boy turned hero named Link. But Zelda is a princess and is hardly mentioned in some of the games in the franchise, except mainly at the end of a story. It would be appropriate just to call the series “The Legend of Link”.
– As Americans, we must ask one of the most mysterious questions of all time: What is the flavor in Air Head’s mystery brand candy? And if it’s that good, I say leave it in and make the name of the flavor public.
– I like to point out that during the early nineties, Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were the first few people to do the selfie. They were just too cool to even continue doing such a thing.
– You are probably trying to focus on this sentence, but you can’t get yourself to focus on actually focusing on the sentence in front of you, and it’s stressing you out to the point where you have to tell someone else to tell you to focus on this one sentence that you can’t get yourself to focus on actually focusing on the sentence you’re reading in front of you and- ah, screw it, go on and read the next line.
– With all the ridiculous news coverage on late night local news, it doesn’t concern me about why it was made. My only concern is where these people find the fucking time by getting attention.
– If you put your cat in a travelling case on board an airplane and arrive at your destination, does your cat remain the same, different, or both?
– I once went to the gas station to pick up some paper towels. I walked to the check out and the cashier said, “Will this be all for you?” and I said, “Nope, I wanna buy this roll of paper towels.”
– Whenever I get pulled over by a cop and he asks me if I have any drugs in my car, I tell him “Yes, officer. I have pot.” So I show him a pot. A cooking pot. Just for fun.
– Next time you bring a book with you in town, go to the nearest library or Barnes and Noble where there’s a really long line. Then when you reach the check-out counter, just ask them to place bookmark in the section you’ve highlighted. I guarantee you’ll get plenty of weird looks.
– When someone tells me their loved one has crossed over to the other side, I think about the neighbor’s house across the street.
– Everything is a reality TV show now.
– Monopoly is a family friendly board game that inflicts psychological trauma.
– Here’s some fun: Call customer service and say, “Hello. I don’t need any help, but thanks anyway.”
- I have an impersonal date: We go out to dinner, we don’t talk, she goes to the bathroom to snort cocaine, and I go home with a box dessert.
- Here’s some fun: Drive up to a red light in a two way line next to somebody who has the windows down, and yell, “Turn it down!” And then turn up your own radio, and drive off when the light turns green.
- Am I the only one who thought The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King had too many endings?
- When you go up to “Taste the rainbow”, expect to “Taste the pavement” when you fall.
- Don’t read these five words.
- Jesus fed over three million people with three loafs of bread and two pieces of fish, and Hitler gave six million Jews toast. Yet the two ideas of two different people didn’t have the common courtesy to save room for dessert.
- We have Disney princesses and princes. Just wait until we get a gay prince and princess.
- I have yet to see a superhero who wears prescription glasses while fighting crime. Better yet, glasses that break during a big fight.
– Have you ever brushed your teeth, and a few minutes later you forgot that you had and so you drink a glass of orange juice? You get that funny taste in your mouth. What’s up with that?
-When someone says “it was like a million suns”, I wonder if the person was burned out from everything he had to put up with that day.
– Cats live a great life; they hardly cause any trouble and they are lovable. Until they give you the demented look and scratch your eyes out.
– You know what you never see? A guy doing cartwheels in a minefield.
– After you die, is it possible to bring some of your stuff with you? And if so, do they carry emotions?
– We have 3D printers to make life sized objects. Why don’t we print viruses, like Ebola? That’s because they’re small and take a long time to actually download. Even the printer itself gets sick.
– I wonder if all the great philosophers in the world ever got together and talked about the meaning of life while smoking weed. I’ll bet it’s happened. Usually I wonder about these things while I’m smoking weed.
– Has anyone actually died on the phone while waiting for costumer service?
– As time goes by, every historical tragedy that has happened in the world will turn into a theme park ride.
– Coffee is crack cocaine in liquid form that is not illegal.
– Do you know why cats are so needy? It’s because they knead you
Skippty bop bop boopety boop!
Thank you, mew.