Parts: all found here
WARNING: Mature content
- Boram's point of view - I walk out and follow Yoongi to the room by the doorway where he put my bag. "Thank you." He looks at me with concerned sympathetic eyes. "Boram are you okay?" I'm on the verge of tears. "No. Why would I be? I just gave everyone the worst impression I possibly could have. Any chance of being accepted is gone." He hugs me. "I still accept you. You're strong and speak your mind. You don't take anything from anyone. He shouldn't have said that. You had a good reason for why you did that, I think so anyway." "I did. God, I can't stand close-minded, judgemental people like that, who won't even take circumstances into consideration. I have my faults, but damn it, not all of them are worth pointing out. He could have criticized me on the fact that I've done drugs, but he chose to be so harsh about that? I mean what the fuck kind of logic is that?" He moves his hand up and down my back trying to make me feel better. "I don't know. Maybe he was threatened." I laugh. "Maybe you're right. Maybe he's jealous of my dance moves." He laughs. "I wouldn't be surprised, he can't really dance so I'm sure he's jealous of anyone with talent." I move away from him. "Thank you. You're pretty good at making me feel better. It's good to know not all of Hoseok's friends are going to hate me." "Wanna make a bet?" "On what?" "I bet that if we wait, I don't know five more minutes, that someone is going to come apologize. Who do you want to bet on?" "Hoseok." "I figured. I'll bet on Jin. You may have seen a very poor side of him, but he's going to feel really bad that he hurt you enough to make you say those things to him. Yes, he's hurt by what you said, but he knows that you said them for a reason. And you better believe Hoseok is in there saying something. Maybe not as harshly as you said things, but he's telling him that he's in the wrong." "You really think so?" "You want to wait and see?" "Fine. Five minutes." "Okay." He pulls out his phone and sets a timer. He goes and sits down, leaning against the wall. He pats the floor next to him. I go and sit a couple feet away from him. "You're insults are seriously clever." "Are they?" "Definitely. The one about the unwanted bitches. That was a great play on words and you came up with it so quick." "It's a shame that I'm so good at insulting people. Not exactly my first choice for a talent to have." "It's entertaining. There were a couple times I had to try not to laugh; like the one about being a soccer mom." "Yeah. I've heard that before. If people laugh it kind of adds to the embarrassment of being chewed out in front of people. It's all second nature to me now." "Did you used to be like that a lot?" "Yeah." "Really?" I nod. "In high school I hadn't been diagnosed yet and wasn't treated so I was pretty bad." "Treated for what?" "Oh. Borderline personality disorder. It's just intense mood swings through out the day. So it was incredibly easy to set me off." "I never would have guessed. You're such a nice girl. Did you get in fights?" "When it came to actual physical involvement, the most I'd do was throw things, never at someone, or I'd hit walls. I didn't want to be charged with assault or something. I wasn't always as calm and calculating as I am now. Many times I was, what I consider to be, explosive." "I can't imagine seeing you lose it like that. It definitely sounds frightening. Sorry, I guess that's not exactly the nicest thing to say." "No, that's exactly what it was. In the moment I loved seeing the look on their face that I was getting to them. Sometimes I still do, it's like it gives me some sort of satisfaction knowing I can effectively hurt or intimidate someone. It's sick. Shortly after though I'd crash; I'd cry and I'd feel awful for everything I'd said. I apologized sometimes, but other times I'd avoid them until graduation." "You'd avoid people for years?" "Yes. I knew a lot of the things I had said were beyond a simple apology, so I didn't bother. I'd just do them the favor of never having to deal with me again. Even if it was working on a group project for school. I'd ask to be switched to another group." "You really went out of your way." "It was pretty gutless. I'd avoid them instead of owning up to it because I didn't want to look stupid or be told they wouldn't forgive me." "It happens. If you did it a lot, then I could see how hearing they wouldn't forgive you could really wear on you." "Yep. Either that or they were shallow acceptances that were almost worse than hearing no." "I know how you feel. I've hurt my share of people. I never apologized though. I'd just expect them to stay away from me. I never really felt that bad. I would rationalize it, making sure that I believed I was in the right." "It's hard having an issue with anger. It's a painful and exhausting existence. Getting that angry all the time, it's not good for the body." "Not at all. I like how I feel now." "By the way, how do you feel now. Hoseok never mentioned anything other than feeling better." "That's all I'd ever tell them. They weren't going to get it so what's the point in explaining it." "I told Hoseok how I felt. Even though he didn't know the feeling, he still understood it well enough. You shouldn't assume people won't get something." "I guess." "So back to my question, how have you been feeling?" "Lighter. Less weighed down by negativity. Calmer. Happier. Content. I feel like my being alive isn't just bringing people down all the time. That people don't need to worry about me going off so now they can approach me without hesitation. It's really nice." "That's great. I'm very happy for you. You deserve to feel that way." "Thanks." "Can I ask you something? I want to know if it was just me who felt this way." "What?" "When you felt better, more normal, did it make you feel bad, sort of like a sense of regret?" "Kind of." "Is it because you realized how much of your life had been wasted on those emotions? How long you went without feeling happy and normal, because you didn't realize you weren't either of those things. That the phrase "better late than never" was a really bitter thing to hear." He looks at me like I just read his soul, not his mind, his soul. "Yes. That's exactly it. If I live to be a hundred, that would have been over a tenth of my life wasted." "Not to mention, it's the supposed best years of your life. For people like us though, that wasn't the case. Instead of enjoying the freedom from so many responsibilities, we spent our time lashing out and pushing people away." "It's nice to talk to someone who gets it and went through the same things I have." "Agreed. I don't have anyone to talk about it with, so I'm glad I'm not alone in how I felt." "You're not. There's always bound to be someone who feels the same way you do." "Doesn't mean I'll get the chance to talk with them, and even if I did, that doesn't mean I'd want to." "That's true." We sit quietly for a moment. I jump when the alarm goes off. He laughs. "Did that scare you?" "Yeah, I completely forgot why we were even waiting." He smirks. "Ah, so you just liked talking to me. You weren't just wasting time." "Don't get too full of yourself. Anyway, neither of us won, was just wishful thinking after all. Thanks though, you distracted me for a few minutes." "Better than nothing." I stand up and grab my bag. He stands up and walks with me to the door. Before I walk out the door, I turn to him. I give him a hug goodbye. This is very different than being hugged for comfort. A hug goodbye is voluntary and somewhat without reason. The only purpose is showing affection of some kind, this time being friendship. "I'm not sure when, or if, I'll see you again so I figured I'd say goodbye now just in case. I appreciate your kindness Yoongi. I'm glad we could start over and be friends." "Me too." I let go and see he's got a couple tears on his face. I reach out and wipe them off. I laugh a little. "I didn't think you'd be so sad over me leaving." He laughs. "Well, to hear you say we're friends in the same sentence as you not knowing if you'll see me again, is a little sad." "I guess it is isn't it. Well, goodbyes are never very pleasant. Tell whoever cares to know, that it was very nice me-" "Good you're still here." Jin comes walking over to us. He looks at Yoongi. "Think you could give me a minute?" He smiles a somewhat sad smile. "Sure. Bye Boram." I return the same smile. "Bye." I turn to Jin as my smile fades. "Can I help you?" "I'm sorry for what I said. I was out of line. I should have realized how embarrassed you were and how you really had tried to keep him from playing the video. We all feel a bit cruel for letting it go all the way to the end. Leave it to a bunch of men to get distracted and forget what exactly they're watching." I laugh a little. "I guess that's true. I have to admit I had a hard time looking away too. For me it was more like watching a twenty car pile up, though." He laughs. "Yeah. I just wanted to apologize. There really was no reason for me to say those things. It was unnecessary and rude. We could have made light of it, but I kept that from happening when I said what I did. I made things uncomfortable and I hurt you." "I forgive you. I know that a lot of your judgment was based on you not wanting Hoseok to be dating some party girl. He's not though. Three years may not seem like a long time, but believe me when I say that there is a big difference between who I was and who I am now. You may or may not believe me, I can't make you, but it's the truth. I rarely drink, I stay away from drugs, and I certainly don't do things like that anymore. I also realize that you're the one who knows about what happened last night." He sighs. "Yeah. I am. He told me you repeatedly tried to get him to stop, but that there was a good chance he'd get angry, so you didn't force it. I understand that, and I believe that you didn't want him to get drunk like that. You obviously weren't that drunk with how well you took care of him, so you were trying to be responsible." "I was trying. It really wasn't my intent for that to happen when I suggested it. I planned on two drinks, which is where I stopped, but he kept going and wouldn't listen to me. He wasn't himself." "I understand all of that, but it was still hard to not blame you for it. I told him I'd let it go, but after that video, I just got the worst impressions of you. I couldn't look past that to see that you're a nice girl that obviously cares a lot about him. You tried hard to get our approval and I should have taken that into consideration. You were right, I was judgemental and said hurtful things that weren't necessary." "I'm glad you can see all that. I'm sorry for the things I said. I went a lit-" "Don't be sorry. I insulted your character, I disrespected you, and I was very hurtful. You don't need to apologize." "I may not need to, but I want to. I was too harsh. I went too far. I could tell how it was hurting you, and I kept going. I really did throw it back in your face, but it was a lot more than I should have." "Well, I'll forgive you then. I still don't think you were out of line, but I'll forgive you if you feel you need to be apologetic over it." "Thank you." "You don't have to leave. Everyone else is over it. We can keep talking normally." "I appreciate the offer, but to be honest my mood is rather shot. I won't be much for company and while I'm not angry, I'm just not pleasant at the moment." "You seem pleasant right now." "I'm pushing it. It's not fake, I just simply don't have the energy, nor the want, to continue socializing. It's been a very eventful day to say the least, so I think I'm going to have to call it a night." "I understand completely. It'd be nice if you'd come again before you go back home, though. It'd be a shame to leave on terms like these. Everyone else would feel bad, too." "Then I'll come back if that's something you'd all want. I'd be happy to." "Good. Why don't you come for dinner the day after tomorrow? I can cook something really good to make it up to you." "That sounds nice. Can I make a request?" "Of course. That's fine." "I'd really like it if I could help you. If I can do that, then it would completely make up for everything." His eyes light up. "You like to cook?" I laugh. "I've lived on my own since I was eighteen. I had to learn to cook. Turns out I actually enjoy it. Good food is one of the few things I'll spend money on without feeling guilty." He smiles. "Then by all means, you can certainly help me. I'd enjoy that." "Then it's a plan." "Yes. Before you go do you want to say anything to Hoseok?" "What do you think? Should I make him sweat a little or forgive him? I'm ready to forgive him, but I'm wondering if I should make him think about what he did." "Can I be honest with you?" "That's why I asked." "He feels terrible. After he told me off a little about how I treated you, he sat in there beating himself up over what he did; and yes, he cried a little. He's probably still going on about it. He's more than learned his lesson if you ask me." I sigh. "I would feel bad letting this drag on any longer. If my words sunk in well enough, then I don't need to make him suffer." "From what it sounds like, you two have never fought." "No, nothing that could be considered an actual argument or a fight. Maybe disagreements, but that's about it." "Wow. With how much you two talk, that's pretty amazing." "Well, we get along really well and care about eachother. It's fairly simple." "Simple, but very hard to accomplish." "I suppose you're right." "I'll go get him then." "Oh, would it be okay if I stole him for another night? I know I've been pushing it but-" He holds up his hand. "You two never see eachother, so I don't think it's a problem if he makes himself scarce for a week out of the year." "Thank you so much." He smiles. "The birds have to leave the nest now and then. Anyway, I'll go get him. I'll see you in a couple days." "I'm looking forward to it." He walks out and I'm left waiting by the door. How do I forgive him? I know how to forgive other people, but I want him to actually work for it a little. I want to hear a genuine apology. I can hear him before I even see him. He's sniffling and breathing unevenly. He really was crying. He sees me waiting and immediately looks down. He walks up to me and stands there for a moment without saying anything, still looking down and still sniffling. I'll have to start this, he must not know where to begin. "You know, you should have listened to me. I asked you, I pleaded, I yelled, I all but got on my knees and begged for you to not play that video. I didn't want to outright say why because I didn't want to basically tell them what it was, that wouldn't have been much better. I shouldn't have had to beg my boyfriend not to play a video of me in front of his six male friends, who I just met, and I was trying to get to like me. I understand that they're forgiving, but I would have preferred that not happening at all." It's really hard to do this while a few tears are slowly running down his face. I want to just reach out, wipe them all off, and hug him so he knows everything is going to be alright. I have to stay strong though. "You basically caused me to say very, very rude things to Jin in front of everyone; making me look even worse. Then I snapped at you and I'd have rather not had an audience for that. Now I'm seen as a slut, a bitch, and a cruel girlfriend. They may move past that, but it happened nonetheless and there's no erasing that. You were cruel, thoughtless, inconsiderate, immature," I take a deep breath, this is going to hurt his feelings and I know it. "And at that moment you were not at all a good boyfriend." That did it. I tried to make it less mean by saying not good instead of saying bad. He's still torn up to hear me actually say it, though. Even if he knew he wasn't at his best, it hurts worse to hear it from me. "I have nothing else to say. If you have something you want to tell me, then now is the time." He takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry." "Okay." I want more than that. "I'm sorry that I treated you badly and that I hurt you. I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of everyone. I should have stood up for you, but I didn't because I don't like to confront certain people. Being a good boyfriend isn't a difficult concept, I'm just supposed to be nice to you and treat you well; so there's no excuse for what I did. I should have stopped that video as soon as it got bad, but I let it go to the end. I don't even know why I did. It's rude that I let my friends see you like that. I should have just listened to you and not played it. I didn't do a lot of things that I should have, and I did a lot of things that I shouldn't have. I'm really, really sorry." I can't play mean anymore! I grab him into a hug and pull him close. He wraps his arms around my waist. "I forgive you. You haven't had to be a boyfriend as an adult, so there's things that you may not think of. If I see one of those things approaching, and you're not seeing it, I will tell you. I will literally say, "Hoseok, this is a grown-up boyfriend thing." That way we don't have to fight. That way neither of us are hurt or embarrassed, or both. I don't want to fight or make you feel bad. I don't want you to be hard on yourself all the time." "I'd love it if you'd tell me when something's happening. It's so different being a boyfriend in person and in front of other people. There's so many things to think about." "Well, after awhile you don't have to think anymore. They're just habit. You know what to do and when you need to do it." "I'm looking forward to that. Are you leaving then? They said it'd be normal if you came back." "That's what Jin said, but I don't really feel like socializing. And I don't think you're much up for it either." "No. But they'll feel bad if they don't get to see you again and this is how it's left." "That's also what Jin said, so I'm going to come to dinner in a couple days." "Really? That's good. They'll like that. I'll like that too." "I'm sure it'll be fine." "So you're leaving?" "Yes." "Okay." He's not letting go. "I can't leave if you don't let go of me." "That's the point." "You can come with. Jin said it'd be okay." "Oh! Then let's go." He immediately let's go of me and hurries to find his shoes. "I love you." He looks up from tying his shoes. "Why?" "What do you mean why? I love you." "Yes, but that was a weird time to say it. You could have said it when we were hugging, but you say it when I'm tying my shoes. That's weird." "I guess watching you get so excited about coming with me was cute and made me feel sort of special. That's all." He stands up and walks over to me. He holds my face with a sense of gentle care. "I'll always be excited to be with you. I don't care where it is we're going, I like having more time together. And do you know how special you are? Do you know how many girls I've brought here to introduce to my friends?" I shake my head. "One, and that's you. I wanted the world to know we were together so I took you out on a date. When I saw that everyone knew, I was excited. I was surprised and not sure how to deal with it, but I was excited for people to know that you were mine. You are very important and special to me, much more than you'll ever know." "Okay, well, sometimes I just feel extra special. Is that better? I know I'm special to you, but sometimes I feel more special than I thought." "Perfect." We hear Namjoon from another room. "Get out if you're going to leave! We're not trying to listen, but you two have loud voices so go be in love outside!" We laugh. Hoseok yells back. "Fine, no need to be so rude! I know you're all jealous but-" Several of them yell back. "Go!" I grab his hand and pull him out the door. These guys seem fun. I hope that all goes well next time. I want them to like me, but I think I'd like to be friends with them too. If I can be friends with Yoongi, then I shouldn't have a hard time being friends with the others.
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