Song: How to love, by Lil Wayne
First things first, I'm the realest... Nah, kidding haha
First things first, I am not really a fan of this guy, but I fell in love with this song ^.^
This is going to be a "rant" and I am not going to tag anybody in this. I kind of just need to get stuff out and I don't want to bother anybody I know in real life about it:
As a member of the Lovebugs and as a person who would use "hopeless romantic" in a self-description, I feel it's my obligation to admit that I don't know how I view love and relationships anymore. I've toured many different types of love to try and find the one that worked for me. I've gone from healthiest, purest loves to one sided love, to not returning love, to whirlwind "love at first sight" kind of love, flings with strangers, flings with friends, long distance flings, anonymous flirtings, etc. all the way until this last one that took a collective amount of 5 years to bring into fruition.
As each of these have failed, I've learned a lot about myself and the other person. I've loved and fallen and gotten hurt and rejected and lied and cut off and distanced and destroyed myself and destroyed another person and gotten cheated on and got tempted to cheat on my partner. I've kept options, and been kept as an option. I've chosen the wrong person, I've chosen the right person. I've done so much trying to figure out love and what it actually is. And recently, I put my entire self out for a person.... and it's not going to happen. Like, we finally had our last fight and there's zero communication. Just plain ignoring, which, after years of talking, isn't easy. Not just as losing a friend, but losing the only person I've ever felt fully comfortable around, losing the only person I could never picture life without, losing the one person I never thought would leave on Monday of this week.
While that did hurt (a lot) initially, I can't help but feeling horribly bored with everything right now. I should be completely devastated. Which I was all the way until 4 A. M. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. The messed up part? I miss her, but it’s not bad anymore. My mind is quickly numbing, organizing and stowing away all the hurt, all the good, all the neutral and everything else into the deepest recesses of itself. My mind is pushing itself and my body past the point of exhaustion until I'm a shaking, cramping mess, trying to catch my breath just so I can't claw to the memories of us and keep them available. I actually worked out and ran so much that I threw up a few times two days in a row. I actually broke down at work and my boss let me stay in the back room until I could breathe again. And following that, I was sprinting as fast as I could through a park by my college and I broke down again when I stopped to catch my breath. But I couldn't breathe. And the emotions just overwhelmed me. Scary stuff hahaha I also couldn't walk correctly from all the torture I put myself through, I had to sleep on my back or else my hamstrings would cramp up in the middle of the night. I couldn't even strain my stomach at all, or it'd completely cramp up. Over the course of two days, I lost 9 pounds. And then... nothing. I woke up Wednesday completely fine and functional again. I feel no more anger or sadness or bitterness.
Part of my mind wants to hold onto everything, because I feel it's worth feeling everything. She was involved in over 25% of my life and everything that I felt, the strength of everything I felt... But I'm not in charge anymore. The logical part of my mind already dealt with the problem and my newly discovered emotional side has yet to catch up. I feel lost. I feel... bored. I know that I'll be completely fine really soon. And I know that pretty soon, I'll forget how it felt to love somebody for so long. I'll forget when we first met. I'll forget her favorite song. I'll forget her birthday. I'll forget what shampoo she uses. I'll forget her laugh. I'll forget her moms name. I won't be there for her when her dog finally passes away. I won't be there to hear about her younger brothers graduations. I'll forget all the sacrifices and late nights and countless moments shared. I'll forget what her hands feel like. I'll forget what her body felt like tightly pressed against mine when we hugged. I'll forget all of our inside jokes.... I'll forget how it felt to have loved her, irrationally, utterly and completely. And that, more than anything else, scares me.
I suppose this is me officially removing "hopeless romantic" from myself, at least for a little while. I feel tired after years of effort. It'll take a long while before I feel I can open up to somebody again. It'll be a long while before I allow myself to feel anything special for another person again. I won't be a douche, I'll just not be emotionally and mentally available. I believe it's for the best.
I love you so much. I'll love you until I can't anymore. I wish I could say that I'll always be here regardless of our falling apart if you ever need something, but in truth, I don't know what would happen if we were to talk again.
My dreamscape of femininity...
My best friend...