"Hopefully this will work." You mumbled preparing everything before Namjoon got home. Checking over your list in your mind, you made your way to get dress. Pulling on some casual clothing you went to check the food in the kitchen. You felt constantly anxious that Namjoon might ignore you, like he has for the past week. You tried everything to make him open up and talk or at least acknowledge you. You knew he was stressed and tried you best to help him even taking the small arguments because he was just hurting. You are a very selfless person when it came to someone you care for.
Settling yourself on the sofa you waited for his arrival. Messing with the edge of your clothes fiddling around as you grew more nervous. Time slowly ticked by as hours passed he was out later than usual. Not one text since you said good morning to him because he was already at work. Finally you caved not caring anymore. Standing up you changed into a large t-shirt and shorts, grabbing a bottle of wine in the process with a glass. Turning on the stereo you played your favorite music, when you were younger. It often help with your past depression as music filtered thru the crackling speakers.
Pouring some wine into the clear frail glass, you quickly downed it. Refilling it you set it aside you were not much of a drinker and two was considered max. Losing your self in the music silent tears gently fell following the curve of your cheek, reflecting your emotions. Everything that took years to buried begun to resurface at the worst time imaginable. You didn't even hear the door slam shut or loud noises of anger bouncing around in the apartment. Too lost in your depression you didn't notice Namjoon glare into your back.
"I told you not to stay up, Y/N!" He huffed out, annoyance filling his core. He grew more upset at your non response, striding over to you he grabbed you shoulder and turn you towards him.
"Jagi! Lis...Jagi?" He asked concerned his emotions switching quickly when he saw your tears. Your eyes were red and puffy. Your eyebrows furrowed, your lips quivering in fear as you were lost in memories.
Seeing you in a shaken state he grabbed your attention by hugging you. He tucked you into his chest as protection. Just like that you broke sobbing all of your insecurities and heart out. Trying to collect yourself you put up a barrier something you had not done in a long time.
"Are you hungry? I made dinner." You stated gesturing to the dark empty dinning room with cold food sitting, wasted. You had cooked his favorite meal, to which he felt guilty. With the nodded of his head you both ate in silence, an awkward atmosphere filling the room.
Gently tugging on his arm you pulled him up stairs to the master bathroom. Sitting by the side of the tube you turn the faucet on hot. Waiting for the water to warm you spared a glance at Namjoon as he had his head down casted. Once the water was hot you covered the drain and also let cool water run to balance it out. Standing you reached for the bath salts up top, but could not reach. Even on the tips of your toes made no difference. You jumped when you felt a large force press against your backside. Glancing up you stared at Namjoon, who was holding the bath salts.
Staying in that a position he wrapped his arms around you his face on the base of your neck. It was like a dream that you wanted to last forever. It was all surreal to having a normal relationship for just a moment, before he stepped away. Preparing the bath you signal for Namjoon to get in as you washed his hair thoroughly.
"Jagi." You called out softly and replied when he hummed in response. "Do you love me?"
His body tensed under you as you bit your lip. He slowly tilt his head back to watch you. He wonder if you prepared this because of how distant he was. Smirking he suddenly yanked you into the warm water. His laughter filling the room as you wiped soap off your face. You groaned as you stood up to strip out of your drenched clothing. Splashing Namjoon with water causing him to sputter and choke with his laughter.
As you strip he reached out and felt the shallow scars on the front of your thighs. You shivered and stepped away feeling scared suddenly almost as if it was another panic attack. The room was closing in on you. The air was thickening to the point you could not breathe. Everything seem to blur together as your body shook. You could not see anything, then suddenly you collapse as a voice yelled out to you.
You flinched at the sound of a constant beeping noise. Slowly opening your eyes you squinted from the bright light above. Sitting up softly you tried to look around the room you were occupying. Your sight cleared and you notice the hospital room. As well as Namjoon who was asleep on the small sofa. His tall form was curled up his face was covered from his hoodie.
Turning yourself you gently slid off the high bed. You took carefully steps towards him. Standing in front you crouched smiling when you saw his peaceful sleeping face. You softly caressed his cheek careful not to wake him. He was stress out enough as it is and you made it worse to collapse on him.
Upon hearing someone enter you turned around to see the youngest member frozen his cheek pink. Giving him a smile you carefully stood up as he rushed to help. Sitting in a near by chair he explained that he brought food from Jin and coffee, your favorite. Talking back in forth you enjoyed Jungkook company, you too are quite close. You always took a liking to the younger generation. Feeling arms wrapped around you, you jumped, but relaxed realizing who it was. Jungkook took that as a sign to leave and wish you both well as the Maknae left in hast.
Standing you walked around the chair and into Namjoon arms burying your face in his shoulder. He leaned his head on yours and sighed deeply. He suddenly pulled back and held you face forcing you to look up at him. He had tears running along his face as your heart shattered. You grew uncomfortable and nervous and quickly look away, but as soon as you did he tilted your head to look at him.
"Jagi" he whispered out his voice cracking as you bit your lip. "Why?" He asked referring to the scars, you felt so ashamed.
About a week ago you started your old habit out of fear. You thighs were littered with them some large, small, deep, shallow, and the list goes on. He felt so confused and hurt that you did this to yourself while you were with him. You could have came to him for support. He was furious, not at you, but himself. He should have been there for you to watch you, care for you, to love you. What made him more angry is he wasn't there when he had the chance because he chose work over you.
Falling to his knees he pushed the gown aside and ran his hand gently down your thigh. This was all his fault he blamed himself over everything that he had no control over. He repeatedly kissed each one as you swayed your body numb a mixture of complex emotions rushing through you. Following suit you sat next to he and let him hold you as you both sobbed. He truly love you, no words to express what he felt for you.
Someone who is perfect yet broken.