TaehyungV
2 years ago500+ Views
HELP NEEDED!
Okay guys, you know that story, Lay Me Down right? I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT MAKING ANOTHER CHAPTER YET! It's just that the laptop at my house is slow af, and the computer doesn't even work, and I can't get on my google docs on my phone (because I have to download it, but I don't have enough space!)! So I will get another chapter out soon, but that's not what this card is for today.

I need help. And by help, I mean H-E-L-P!

So in my writing class, we had to make a story, so I choose Lay Me Down. I'm only going to give my teacher the first chapter though. But she says I need three problems in my story, so far I don't think I have any. Please read this (school appropriate) copy of the real story, and tell me if I have three problems or not, and if I don't, can you help me find some? Thank you. (CHANGED THE READER'S NAME TO DAWN! HAD TO!)
Jeon Jungkook was a mess. A mess indeed. He missed everything...Everything she did. He laid in his bed crying. He would do this sometimes. He would even be found in the bath tube, filled with water as if was going to drown himself. The others were worried about him....Why did he have to be so heartbroken? They would always hear things crashing from up stairs in his room. Screams and even more screams. They've learned to deal with it, but that didn't stop them from being worried still.
He would hardly come out of his room these days...Jin would have to force him to come down to eat, and even when he did, he would hardly even touch his plate. Jungkook hardly talked to the members anymore. They would ask how he was, and he'd just shrug, mumbling a small "fine", although they knew he wasn't "fine".
It's been a month....A month since she died and Jungkook didn't seem to get any better. In fact he's gotten worst. The others would even find pills in his room and have to force him to do things. They were getting tired of his act, but they understood where he was coming from...I mean, if their girlfriend died, they'd act the same way. He needed to get better....The others needed to think of something fast, before he was gone forever.
Jungkook groaned in the bed. Was he alive or dead? He couldn't tell, it seemed like his life was always like this now. He couldn't help it. He missed her. Her touch, her skin....He couldn't live without her. The only reason he would stay in his room all the time is because.....Sometimes he could see her. That's right. Call him crazy all you want, but he could. He could see the girl he lost, yet still loves. Jungkook stared up at the ceiling, where a mirror was. Jungkook remembered putting it up with her, since she wanted one because her parents had one in their room on the ceiling.
Dawn smiled softly at Jungkook as he carried the mirror up the stairs. "Hurry up, you're slow!" She teased lightly, sticking out her tongue.
"Well maybe if I had some help I would be so slow." Jungkook groaned playfully at her as he walked up the stairs and followed Dawn to the room. "Why do we even need this thing?" He asked, looking at the huge mirror he had to carry up the stairs.
Dawn rolled her eyes. "I already told you. I want it because my parents had on in their room on the ceiling. And this is the mirror my mom gave me before she died.." She sighed softly as she sat on the bed. They didn't have there own house, but Dawn thought it would be best if she moved in with him now. They have been dating for two years now. She had moved in with Jungkook and the others about a week ago. Jin was happy to have someone to help him clean up the place, since Dawn liked to clean, helping Jin was a perfect thing to do.
Jungkook sighed softly, mumbling the words "I know". He looked around his room, looking for a good spot to put it. Everything in his room seemed to take up a lot of space, so they would most likely have to move some things around to put the mirror there. "So where are we going to put it?" He asked Dawn.
Dawn pointed up and Jungkook followed her hand. Looks like she was pointing at the ceiling. Jungkook wondered why she would want it up there and then he realized it was above the bed. "Really?" He asked her. It was an odd place to put a mirror. I mean, Jungkook had never seen a room with a mirror on the ceiling before, it was just weird to him.
Dawn nods. β€œYup.” She said, as her and Jungkook started to have a talk about why in the world would she want a mirror right there?
After that little chat, Jungkook got to work and hung the mirror up on the ceiling and Dawn watched, handing him what he needed when he needed it. After they hung it up, Jungkook smiled at Dawn, wrapping his arms around her. "Now we're done." He whispered as he held her, his chin resting on her shoulder. Dawn smiled as they laid down in the bed, hugging each other.
"Yeah..." Dawn whispered, loving his scent as they both held each other, her head in his chest. "I love you...." She mumbled softly.
"And you know I love you.." Jungkook replied as they fell into a sleep. I mean, they have been doing things all day, a nap is what they needed right now.
Jungkook's eyes widen and he took deep breaths. He must have fallen asleep because Dawn wasn’t at his side anymore. The room was dark, no sign light anywhere. Jungkook ran a hand through his black hair, as his eyes went back to being dull as he was thinking about Dawn still... "Dawn....." He whispered softly. He stood up from the bed and pulled down the mirror, throwing it across the room and screaming. Why? Why did she have to leave him here?! All alone?!? WHY?!? He continued to scream and break things all across the room.
Namjoon's eyes opened at the sound of screaming and things crashing. He sighed softly. 'Jungkook..'. He looked at the clock, 1:26 am. He groaned slightly as he got up from the bed and headed out of his room to calm Jungkook down, he didn't want the neighbors to hear and call the police like they did last time. When he walked out of his room, he saw Taehyung at Jungkook's door, knocking lightly at it, although there wasn't any reply to it, all but screaming and crashing. He watched as the others slowly walked out of their rooms.
Namjoon looked straight at Yoongi, and Yoongi knew what that look meant. Yoongi and Namjoon headed to the room and opened the door, seeing Jungkook in his worst state. They quickly grabbed him, to make him stop breaking stuff. "Jungkook! Calm down!" Namjoon heard Yoongi say, as it was hard to keep him still and he was still screaming. Jin shook his head lightly and sighed softly as he watched them. This was a regular thing for them ever since Dawn died.
"SHE'S NOT COMING BACK!" Yoongi yelled as he was getting tired of Jungkook. This made everything stop. Finally, someone had said it to him. She wasn't coming back and everyone knew that. It's just that no one had the guts to tell him. "She's not coming back..." Yoongi said softer as Jungkook became a crying mess.
Jungkook fell to the floor, crying his eyes out and looking straight at the ground. "She's not coming back....?" He stated, although it came out more as a question than anything else. Jungkook began to cry harder and the others walk away and back to their rooms.
Jin sighed softly as he looked over at Yoongi. "Why would you say that?" He asked, shaking his head, but it didn't seem like he was asking Yoongi.
"Because no one else would..." He mumbled, walking to his room.
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9 comments
I recommend doing a revision of some of the spelling and grammar if it's being turned in as an assignment, but as for the three problems. One is that Jungkook is depressed, another is that the members are worried, and as for a third, I'm not sure if there is one but a suggestion would be to maybe add in a bit about there being something important they are all supposed to be doing, Jungkook included, but they can't because he is in terrible condition
2 years agoΒ·Reply
problem #1 : How to deal with the death of his girlfriend? problem#2 : How will his friends help him with his depression. problem#3 : Unknown I dont see nothing for A third problem. Cuz if the other memeber is also dealing with it and its a secret, it can be a climax to the story. Each story has a beginning wit a couple problems then a climax then how to solve the problems amd ending. Gotta find another problem if your teacher wants it. You can put that one day he found a note which she left for someone else and he needs to find out who is that mystery person she is writting to? Also dont use too much ...... Try to use more commas amd periods. and when the person is conversating. Gotta use tje same example that @JewelsLouise1 used. But you got this sweety. im counting in you. Let me know of anythimg. inbox me if u like. but i got chu. Now i gtg lmaoo.. before my doc comes in πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ’™
2 years agoΒ·Reply
I'd say you have 2 right now. For the third maybe one of the other members could have secretly liked dawn too and they're dealing with her death too while trying to hid it. You could also make it so one of the members knew that she was going to die but she wanted him to keep it a secret from jongkook so now that person is dealing with guilt over that.
2 years agoΒ·Reply
You have a lot of ... and Stories don't usually have those unless someone is speaking or a cliff hanger
2 years agoΒ·Reply
@Tamaki1618 right, if it's a fan fiction you should always include what they should be doing. if it's a story in which they aren't a group or anything but something completely different, then it would be a completely different story
2 years agoΒ·Reply
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