This year has been a pretty hard year. I thought things would be better and I would get closer to my dreams. But these few months my emotions have really decided to test the strength of my walls.
First I had a good start to the year. Until I began getting pain in my right side. I hurt so much I cried. I went to the ER about 3 times. And it turned out to be my appendix. I had it removed and was of for about a month from work due to healing and infection. And let me tell you, that I wasn't 100% when I went back. And this is when everything started attacking my walls.
Work was going great once I got back. I was a few months in to a new place and promotion. Working with an old friend and coworker. Although I don't really talk to everyone there I had him and our little team. But a week into me being back (not even full time) he left. I was happy he left because it was a promotion. But now I had to show good results. And I was feeling the pressure and being reminded even before he left. And soon more stress. The same week he left my other coworkers went on vacation and now put her two weeks in. And the other one is on leave for his new born. A team that used to be five turned into two. And who is constantly being told to match his score (me).
To top it off, there is trouble at home. Being the strongest emotionally I turn into a family counselor. Hearing both sides of the arguments. Giving advise without letting them see my pain inside. crying while everyone sleeps or on the way to work. Making sure everyone is fine. They don't even realize that the pain to my side has returned and keeps getting worse. Or that I'm having pain in my throat. I'll just pretend to be okay, and worry about my health myself.
I don't have someone to talk to but God. Mother tells me her problems with father and father does the same. They say I'm stronger emotionally than my brother. I am only able to listen and give them advise. But no one ask me how I feel. They figure because I've been this way since young that I'm alright. But little by little my layers of walls crumble. At work they care about me bringing good numbers and stopping loss. But no one asked if I was 100% back. They always ask the meaningless question of "how are you" without caring for the true answer. I feel like if someone grabbed my arm and looked me in the eye and asked "tell me the truth" I would crumble right there and then
But I've always been strong. Since small I've felt no one understands me. They only take the time to learn what they want from me and ignore the rest. If they can't read me and can't figure me out. They choose to put there distance. Not even my family understand. And because of this, my walls are build over and over in layers. No one knows what I feel and only a fake smile is shown.
Hopefully things will get better at home. I'll have to adjust to a different way of life again but this process has been done before that I'm not surprise. Work is okay, as I keep adjusting to the changes. And I'll just be happy if I improve from last year. I guess this is life. And no one said it would be easy. I'll just have to cry it all out and rebuild stronger walls every time one crumbles. And just keep smiling and say " I Swear,I'm Fine"