sarahdarwish
2 years ago1,000+ Views

Who is the next BTS Member to go?

Missed the beginning? Namjoon Yoongi Jhope V
If you could pick a word for the moment, youd chose cold. Because that was everything you felt, like an omnipresent force washing over you after the words leaved your mouth. You were dying to reach him, your Jimin, the one with the sparkling eyes and the welcoming smile who was nowhere to be seen now and was instead replaced by a pale, awfully surprised blank face that had nothing, absolutely nothing to answer to your sudden, stuttered and nervous confession of your feelings for him. So your hands stood on your lap, fingers intertwined with a strength enough to turn your knuckles a harsh tone of white and make your fingertips tingle their way to numbness. -I… Y/N I… - his lips opened and closed several times, over and over again, searching for air, for the words he couldnt say and the feelings he couldnt return; and the sky high wall of ice bricks that was raising between both of you felt thicker, heavier, settling you at kilometers light distance from him even though your were sitting one in front of the other in the small and familiar coffee shop you liked to visit ever so often. You stared down at your intertwined hands, not wanting to look anymore into his eyes, afraid that if you stared long enough into the dark chocolate brown pupils you loved, youd be able to find pity on them. A sigh leaved Jimins lips and echoed in the predominant silence that took over both of you despite the soft rain that was falling outside and hitting rhythmically with its little drops the window to your left.Your eyes rose to him and you saw him take a deep breath, his hand got lost into the messy locks of his hair and pushed his fringe back, his eyes were now fixed somewhere outside the window. - I didnt know you felt this way about me… - His voice was small, as if groping the situation, holding back. You swallowed harshly, your throat was dry and rasping, and you fought to find your voice again. This wasnt the reaction you were expecting from him; at all. His eyes moved to yours and held your gaze, and by that moment you already knew you shouldnt have said anything about your love for him, anything at all. But how to take words back now? you wondered, trying to keep yourself together when you saw Jimin was going to speak again. -Y/N…- he cleared his throat, that was as dry as yours. -Y/N if I knew it I would have… Im sorry… but I dont feel the same way as you- There it was, the thing you feared the most, rejection. Jimin kept on talking, something between the lines of you being his best friend, like a little sister he couldnt see with those eyes, but you werent really paying attention anymore. The rumble of your soul crumbling in tiny little pieces was deafening. You stared outside the window, watching the gloomy sky and trying to hold back the tears when you felt them settling at the corners of your eyes and wondering how could four simple words as Jimin I love you, which once felt so right, could suddenly feel so despicably wrong and out of place. -You dont have to say sorry - you interrupted him in his rushed speech, your voice as collected as you could manage to keep it. Jimin stared at you with wide eyes and a sorrowful expression you had never seen on him before. He was clearly nervous, playing with his hands, messing his hair, the pace of his breath increasing the slightest bit -enough for you to see it, and you turned to the back of the chair to pick your bag. In all your years of friendship with Jimin, youd never seen him looking at you the way he was doing, and deep down, you didnt want to deepen into that stare, so it was better to leave now. It was better to leave while your legs could still hold you up, It was better to leave while your brain could properly work and shout you to get out of there immediately to hide somewhere else, away from him, away from the world. It was better to leave before you crumbled like a total fool right there on that table, right there in front of Jimin. So you held your breath, pushed your chin up and gave him a smile tight with falseness, the joy of it never reaching your eyes. Jimin instantly stood up from his chair. -You dont have to leave Y/N- -Dont worry Jimin - the smile grew bigger on your lips and the void in your chest felt emptier. -Were ok right? I mean…- his eyes moved away, not holding your gaze. You knew what he meant, what with the years of friendship, of silly jokes and company of one each other, was all of that still ok? Dont let it get to you Y/N, dont let it get to you, you repeated to yourself in your head and pushed away the urge of closing your eyes in pain. -I think so- your lips said but was it that way? How were you going to look at him in the eyes after this? How were you supposed to find your way back into the same safe friendzone you occupied? Were you two ready to fight the post-confession awkwardness? -Dont think too much about this…- you said, your voice breaking halfway and betraying you. Jimin heard that little crack, taking a deep breath himself to stop from reaching out to your trembling form standing right there in front of him with watered down eyes, afraid of breaking even more what was already broken, and instead, his hands moved inside the pockets of his jeans. You saw his hesitance, and thats all it took. Was it going to be this way from now on? Jimin would have reached for you in a heartbeat, but now he was standing there afraid even to touch you, so you walked away faster than you might have intended in the first place but you didnt care anymore, the seething touch of tears streaming down your cheeks when you exited the coffee shop was what stopped you from turning your head back to give a last look to his way; so you missed Jimin standing near the table, hands inside his pockets, parted lips and sad eyes, unsure and lost the same way as you because it didnt matter how much he loved you, he couldnt make it to love you the way you wanted him to. A week had passed after that fatidical rainy afternoon and all of its days were a big blurry mess in your head. You knew you werent quite helping yourself by staying inside your house, away from everybody, but you couldnt help it, couldnt make it to find the needed strength to be out, to have fun. Each time your cell phone beeped, a part of you wished for it to be Jimin, since you missed him quite painfully. But the other part feared it would be Jimin because you were sure you couldnt face him, not after what happened. And maybe shrinking in a corner of your room wasnt the healthiest thing to do, but that was exactly what you were doing, staring at your wall with empty eyes, and when you felt an increasing wetness taking place on the tender skin of your cheeks, you didnt even flinch,didnt get surprised at all. You gave up in trying to fight back the tears because they always made their way out of you, and maybe it was better, was it even possible to cry the pain away? because if so, you were sure you could do it at this pace. Your body sank lower beneath the covers and you closed your teary eyes, maybe it was better this way, you kept on repeating to yourself, but honestly, you were far from believing it. You told to yourself that you werent counting the days since you confessed to Jimin, but there had passed twenty eight days since then, of course you only knew it by pure coincidence. As it was a coincidence as well that you were avoiding the usual places you visited with Jimin, or avoiding the certain kind of related friends that could ask for him knowing how close you two are. Were. You corrected yourself, you didnt even know what you were know, but you had not talked, he hadnt called, and neither did you. So in the twenty nine day, you stopped quickly on your usual coffee shop because you couldnt help but yearn from a little bit of the familiarity of that coffee, it was in an hour when Jimin was usually never free so you gave in. But now you were regretting it, you were regretting it all. While taking your coffee, a tiny group of boys at your right caught your attention, they were sitting around one of the tables laughing at something one of them said and then it was that particular laugh that you knew by heart and maybe it was by the sound of it, maybe it was by the surprise, maybe it was because your hands started to shake but your coffee cup slid out from your hands, falling onto the floor and earning a loud gasp from you, enough to make him turn his head and see you bending on the floor over the spilled coffee to pick up the cup. Enough to make him rush to your side in a heartbeat before he even noticed what he was doing. -Are you ok? did you burn yourself? - Jimins hands surrounded your wrists, keeping you away from the seething coffee, and the touch was painfully familiar. Your hands eased themselves out of his grasp and you stood up. -Im fine, its just…- you didnt even finish your sentence and looked away. You werent supposed to see him, not now, not when you hadnt quite recovered yet. Jimin stood up, scanning you all over. He hadnt seen you around and he wasnt sure if he should write you or give you space, so he opted for the last and now having you there felt almost surreal. -How have you been? - he asked softly, you bit your lip before looking down, to the side, everywhere but him. -Does it matters? - you said before you could hold yourself back. Jimin stood silent at the mere moment your eyes finally met his. Your whole mien took him aback, you had outstanding dark circles under your eyes, your pretty cheeks that he liked to mess around with so much where slimmer, your skin was as pale as he had ever seen it, but what truly took the words out of his mouth and not in a good way was your stare. Maybe you didnt intend to, but in your eyes he could find pain and dejection, the hurt on your pupils scorching everything inside him and balling into a tight knot of pure guilt that took place on his guts. And he backed off, he backed off moved by guilt, moved by a sudden lack of air inside the coffee shop because the walls seemed tinier and about to swallow him whole. It was one step, then two, and the rest of steps needed to reach the door and disappear from your sight. Maybe it is better this way, you repeated to yourself a thousand and one time again. You didnt dare to go to the coffee shop after that encounter, and neither did Jimin. So as time passed by, you werent the only one avoiding all of the usual places you visited together, because he was doing it as well. The sound of his voice almost started to fade from your mind, the feeling of the touch of his hands or arms around you came in the way of dreams that would haunt your sleep, leaving you breathless, crying with the seething memory of what you no longer had because Jimin seemed to disappear and take every tiny joy of his presence with him. There was a morning, after God knows how many weeks since then because you already lost the count that you swore you werent counting, when your cell phone ringed and you were too asleep and picked it still halfway deep in the slumber, with all your senses drowsy and your mind heavy. -I think we should meet Y/N - Jimin said at the other end of the line, and for a second you almost, almost gloated in the sound of his pretty voice, thinking it was a dream. But it wasnt, Jimin was on the other side of the line, his breathing unsteady and heavy, calling you way too early to make sure youd pick the phone. and your heart skipped a beat. - Y/N? - He didnt even wish you good morning, like your old Jimin would. This Jimin was unreachable, far away. -Ok - you had said, fearing that your throat would fail in forming any other words beside that one and your voice would betray you. So thats why you were sitting on a bench in that little park you liked so much the next afternoon, waiting for him to arrive, telling yourself to stay collected and calm. Your hands tightening the thick coat around your torso because the weather was being ruthlessly cold and humid, gloomy and dark, as if the skies were announcing your fate. A person took a seat at your side and you didnt need to turn your head to know it was him. It was almost crazy to think that one could come to recognize someones steps and ways of breathing, but it happened when you spend way too many time shared with said person, and you had spent more than half a life with Jimin. So you knew his ways, you knew how he walked, you knew how he breathed. The silence between both of you was only broken by the soft movement of the tree leaves with the increasing wind, and the rumble of a thunder not so far away from you. -I dont know what to say - Jimin spoke, voice low, tired. You smiled, of course Jimin would feel like he actually had to say something about all this. You shook your head from left to right, the tiny unamused smile still on your lips, and silence fell upon both of you once again. It was crazy to know when Jimin was altered just by the way he took shaky breaths through his mouth, but you still knew it. -I miss you Y/N - he spoke again,and this time your lower lip trembled. In other circumstances, maybe in another time when you hadnt grown apart because of an unshared feeling, that phrase would make you jump, would make you fly, but now it was not that time. -Does that even change something? - you asked, looking at him now with the same sad eyes that had become your trademark. And Jimin understood what you meant, so he lowered his head as a response. He was still unable to return your love, so no, the fact that he missed you didnt change anything. He missed his friend, the friend you didnt want to be anymore, that you couldnt be because your feelings for him were definitely not friendly at all. -is it really going to be this way Y/N? - he couldnt disguise the guilt he felt every time he looked at you. Silence. That was everything you gave him. There was no other way it could be. You couldnt look at him ashamed, and he couldnt look at you swallowed by guilt for not corresponding you. -I cannot go back Jimin - you said suddenly, the words crossing a raspy throat and a dry mouth. -I cannot pretend I dont feel the way I feel- He nodded softly, moving his eyes to the front. Rain was starting to fall down on you, tiny little drops that felt cold against the skin of your face and that one way or another were going to serve to disguise the tears you knew were about to fall from your eyes. -You dont want to be my friend anymore. - That wasnt a question, it was a statement. Jimin wasnt asking you, he knew you enough to know it. -I cant be your friend anymore- you said, with a smoothered down voice - because when I look at you Jimin…- you voice broke and you stopped talking. Now the rain was starting to get heavy, but none of you moved on the bench. -So this is a goodbye, I guess…- he said, his voice trailing off, his eyes looking down at his hands. You didnt answer, so he turned to face you and pulled you up with him, his arms surrounded you and you found yourself pressed against his chest, his mouth moved to your forehead to press a tender kiss on top of it and you closed your eyes. -Im sorry Y/N - You knew he meant it, every bit of it. But you didnt open your eyes. Jimin was sorry for not noticing sooner, for not loving you the way you wanted, sorry for seeing the friend he treasured the most breaking in front of him, sorry for not being able to do anything to save the crumbling friendship when it first shattered. His hands, which were now holding the back of your head didnt want to let you go, but they did it nonetheless and it was the hardest thing he had to do. He released you from his embrace, his lips moved away from your forehead leaving the warm spot that he kissed exposed to the ruthless cold. Your eyes fluttered open and you gave him a last look, you knew it was going to be the last so you memorized every single part of his face, every crease and tiny wrinkle, every little mole and corner. Jimin smiled, but there wasnt joy within that smile, there was only sorrow. You knew you were crying but didnt even try to look away, your eyes were busy taking in the sight of him with the same teary eyes, and not even the rain could stop you from seeing the thin tears that gleamed on his cheeks. -Yes - you said now with trembling lips. -I guess this is a goodbye - It didnt matter how much both of you wished for those words to not be true, none of you fought it back. Because there was no way of going back, of recovering what was lost, of fixing what was broken. And it didnt matter how much good you did to one each other before, now both of you only meant harm and shame for the other, regret and pain. So you turned away, and Jimin did the same. Each one taking a different path when once you would have walked together. But that wasnt coming back, none of you were coming back. You gripped harder your coat, the memory of Jimins face engraved with fire on your mind, maybe you could meet him again, meet him halfway between the dreams and the once shared hopes, maybe in another time, when you were ready for him and he was just as ready for you. When he was on the same page as you and not a page behind. -Maybe - you whispered, your voice drowned by the sound of the rain. -Or maybe it is just meant to be this way- If it was meant to be or not, you kept on walking, kept getting away, and his voice didnt stop you, he wasnt calling for you to come back. There wasnt a soul stopping you now to avoid a goodbye that you never, ever wanted to say.

CREDITS: BANGTAN-SPELLS

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😢😭😭😭
2 years ago·Reply
im just not ok 😢
2 years ago·Reply
As a Jimin stan......... this literally kills me 😂😂😭😭😭
2 years ago·Reply
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