May 29, 2016
Our manager let us take a week off to celebrate our latest mini album release, The Clan Part 1, Lost, suggesting we have a boy's night out. And guess what was the first place we decided to go? A boy's night in our dorm having a sleepover. At least it was their idea, begging me and Kihyun that they wanted to reclaim their youth for just one night. And that if we said no, they'd stll do it anyway, since we weren't even their real parents. Which broke Mom and Dad's hearts while Mom learned his head against my shoulder. And told them, "let me wipe away my tears first," finally agreeing. Minhyuk, the lovely sunshine on drugs, got out the snacks while the rest grabbed their blankets and a Guinness Book of World Records worth of movies, surrounding the television like it was a beautiful woman holding a box of pizza as an offering. And I have a feeling even if that was the case, they'd take the pizza and leave the lady behind. Since food is their favorite hobbie they ace well in. They had no chill when it came to TV, especially their favorite channel, Lifetime, even though they couldn't really understand what the characters were saying. Which I told them, and they responded with, international fans still listen to kpop even though they don't speak Korean. As long as you feel some pull towards it that leaves you craving more, that's all that matters, which brought me in tears, Daddy was so proud at what they were becoming such mature, intelligent men. We all looked at each other and didn't have to say outloud that we all had the same question-what should we do? At first, my mind was blank, until a perfect, some would say devious, idea came to mind-a drinking game with a twist. Basically, everyone passes a bottle of Soju, drink a sip, and have to admit the most ridiculous thing they've ever thought or done. Starting from the youngest to oldest. They were sceptical by the idea at first, but eventually their curiosity of what naughtiness their brothers would unveil, possessed them to agree. Except, this is where the devious part comes in. Except...the drink would actually be Sprite mixed with cinnamon, vinegar, and cayenne pepper to make them believe they were getting drunk to reveal their inner naughty secrets. Oh, yes, this would be fun, I thought smiling to myself. No longer would they think I'm the Tin Man with what I had up my sleeves, diary. I would definitely be going to hell for this, but hopefully hell has a gym membership and dance studio because I would definitely spend most of my time there. Once we settled down with our food and got comfortable, we started with the baby and most awkward one of the group, I.M. When the bottle was passed to him, he laughed nervously and asked "do I really have to do this since I'm the baby and therefore be involved in underage drinking?" which received a few chuckles while Minhyuk ruffled I.M.'s hair and patted him on the back. "You're a grown ass man and besides, I thought you said we weren't even your real parents?" Kihyun sassily slayed, earning a unison of OOOOOOOH BUUUUUUUURN. Get the fire extinguisher cus someone got their ego burned, I thought. We all stared him down until he finally gave in and took a sip. He slowly set the bottle on the table and burped loudly, making an aaaah sound. "I've always wondered what it would be like if Monsta X swapped places with a girl group for two weeks. Because I'd want to swap with 4minute and be Hyuna, since as my bias and future wife, I'd want to get to know her better through her eyes, literally. Plus, I'd finally be able to sing that high note in her song Bubble Pop." He said quietly, staring at the ground while everyone laughed. All I heard was wife and thought, no child of mine is getting married til they're denture age. And even after I die, I'll still remind them and be their living memo pad. They all got distracted, discussing which girl in 4minute they'd want to be until I cleared my throat, bringing them back to the game. Next up was Jooheon, who looked like he was about to climb out the kitchen window and make a run for it while he had the chance. He asked if he could pass, in which I said the only thing he could pass, was the bottle to the next person. It was too late now. He slowly licked his lips and warned us we couldn't laugh or else he'd leave Monsta X and become the first guy to join Sistar. Which you know it's bad if he said that, considering he can't sing and definitely doesn't have the holy booty to join them. He nearly downed the bottle, until Wonho took it and told him to slow down and save some for the rest. Though Hyungwon, the queen of sass, told him to drink the whole bottle if he wanted to, that way the game would be over. But little did he know I had more than enough bottles to last two comebacks. "SometimesIsecretlydressupinwomen'sclothingsinceI'mnotallowedtodateyetorthinkaboutgirlssoIdressupasoneasasubstitutefortherealthing," Jooheon said in one breathe. His voice sped faster than fast forward mode, but I did manage to pick up the words I, dress, as, girls, and clothing. Everyone roared with laughter, Wonho near tears, while Minhyuk fell on the ground and was choking he was laughing so hard. I.M. sounded like he was giving birth to a killer whale and sea lion, he was making choo choo noises I guess was laughter. "So that's why you spend so much time in the bathroom and always the last one to leave." Wonho choked. "Tell me, do dresses feel flowy and comfortable as girls say they do? And most of all, why do you keep your sexiness to yourself? I bet you make a sexy girl and have us feeling like our body is at a water park." Hyungwon snickered teasingly, while Jooheon looked like he was going to use one of his dresses to bundle up and use as a bow tie around Hyungwon's neck. "Yes, where's your wig and dress? We want to see those legs." I.M. pretended to snap a picture and made CLICK CLICK noises. "I told you not to laugh!" Jooheon yelled, earning more hyena laughter. "We never made any promises we wouldn't." Kihyun said, making a good point. "That's it, I'm leaving. The only contact you'll ever get from me is when you see me on TV with Sistar," Jooheon grumbled, starting to get up. I told him to stay and that I couldn't lose my favorite child, even though none of them were my favorite, saying we wouldn't make fun of him. Which made him sit back down. As long as he strut in more dresses for us, I couldn't help but add, snorting filling Jooheon's tension in the room. Too be honest, I've always wanted a girl and since Jooheon roleplays as one, I wouldn't mind if he played both. It would stay within the family. I have to admit, so far my children's confessions had more flavor than hot sauce and sweet and sour pork combined. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, Minhyuk, was next. He told us when he was sixteen, while passing the bra aisle, he always wanted to know what it felt like to wear one, so he took one and walked to the men's dressing room. And when one of the employees asked why he was holding a bra, he said it was for his sister, which made enough sense for them to leave him alone. And said after he tried it on, he was glad men weren't born with boobs because those felt like bra versions of dementors from Harry Potter that sucked the life out of your chest with the straps like holding cells on your shoulders. And said to all the women that have to wear holding cells across their chest, bless their souls. With Jooheon and his confession combined, we were all having birthing contraptions we were dying of laughter. "See? I'm not the only one." Jooheon grinned while bouncing up and down in his seat like a little kid on Christmas Eve waiting for an old guy to climb through his house when he couldve just used the door, leave a couple presents, and steal some milk and cookies that were probably on a $2/5 sale. They asked what he did with it, and he said he left it on the ground along with his pride. Ah, there's never a dull moment in this family with kids like mine, I thought with a chuckle. The mother himself was up, and I have to say, I couldn't wait for the dirty to be dished clean. I was practically doing somersaults and backflips in my seat. "This is embarrassing," were Kihyun's first words. "Not as embarrassing as what Jooheon and Minhyuk went through. Nothing gets more embarrassing than that," Hyungwon assured, grinning sweetly at Jooheon who gave him the middle finger.
"Fair enough," Kihyun bit down a smile. "Well, I've always wanted to pinch I.M. and Jibooty's ass to see which one is firmer. Cus I.M.'s carrot cake could give jibooty competition." While everyone gasped and cackled mainly second hand embarrassment for Kihyun's confession, I.M. just sat stoned face, unmoving as if he was auditioning to be a statue.
While everyone snorted seeing I.M.'s expression, probably shocked someone could say his booty had the honor to be on the same level as jibooty. They then proceeded to tell him to show them the booty and they'd be the judges to decide, while I.M. closed his eyes as if that would make them disappear. Which had me wondering if I should make a survey to give to BTS and do a secret vote themselves. Wonho admitted if his singing career didn't work out or hadn't been chosen as one of the members to join Monsta X, a male stripper was his backup plan and had a stripper application saved on his computer just in case. Typical Wonho, everyone chuckled, though Jooheon said he'd pay money to see that to support his brother of course. Daddy Long Legs Hyungwon was the last contestant who revealed when he first tried out to be a model, he stuffed pillows underneath his shirt and pretended to be pregnant to see what the modeling agency's reaction would be. And said the agent told him he never told him he was pregnant, Hyungwon's response,"I never thought that would be an issue. The job description said modeling and that's why I'm here. I've still got 7 months to go before that becomes one, so deal with it." At this point, everyone wrote an early will because we were all dead. It was too much, especially when Hyungwon said the craziest part was that the agent still hired him after he found out he wasn't expecting and told him he had the looks and charm he pulled off. With the bottle being passed around cruisingly and everyone more comfortable with sharing their stories now that they were "tipsy", that's when things got hectic. Jooheon was having a deep, sexual conversation with the fridge, thinking it was a sexy girl, saying pick up lines that wouldn't work on even a cat, I.M. was asleep, probably avoiding to associate himself with weirdos that live with him, Kihyun was singing Drunk In Love drunkenly, Wonho was no where to be found, while Hyungwon and Minhyuk were the only ones unaffected by the "alcohol" sharing a bowl of popcorn. And all I could think was, what have I done to my family? What took place right now, would make Keeping up With the Kardashians be cancelled. All I wanted was to be the cool dad, one that wasn't called a robot. I- My thoughts were interrupted by a drunk giggle that came from behind me. I turned around and saw Wonho holding a bottle of syrup. He walked determinedly up to me, lifted up my shirt, and before I could register what was going on, slathered syrup all over my stomach. What drugs was he on??? I thought angrily and yelled out loud. He just smiled into the distance, pushed an invisible button and said, "congratulations, you're five months pregnant and having twins!" Not this shit, he thought he was a doctor spreading serum all over me? What have I done to my children? I don't deserve to have the title Dad. Suddenly, I felt a sharp slap across my cheek and turned to the perpetrator it belonged to. I wished I hadn't because Kihyun looked more angrier than Dragon Ball Z when he was fired up. "You cheated on me? After all we've been through raising five kids?! I want a divorce!" He shrieked. I practically felt the wind blowing from the Zeus-like thunder in his voice and slowly backed away. "We were never married to begin with and goddammit, Wonho stop rubbing serum, I mean syrup, on my stomach! I'm not pregnant!" I shouted.
I was done being dad of the day. As a matter of fact, I was ready to retire and become a grandpa who made a living having other people push him in a wheelchair. Yes, that sounded lovely compared to what I was currently dealing with. I fucking deserved a tub of icecream, Tylenol headache medicine, and my bed right now. But most importantly, a long bath to wash away the syrup and craziness experienced today, I thought as I made my way to my room to change. "Hey, Shownu. You never told yours yet. What's the most ridiculous thing you've done?" Minhyuk's voice stopped me. What you're currently experiencing right now, I thought. "Yeah, tell us. I bet this will be the best one of the day," Hyungwon smiled. Oh, you won't be smiling after you find out, I thought, mentally making a cross sign. "You see, the thing is..." I began.
And after I confessed and stood trial to my own death, they chased me in a rampage of of revenge.
So diary, if I don't write to you anymore, it's because my funeral will be held here. But know that I'll alway be alive in spirit and that I'll always love you and treasure the moments we shared through each page. Love always,
So, there you have it. Shownu's definitely not the angel of the family and far from robotic. And far than imagined his idea would end up in bloodshed. Did he go too far? And will he walk out alive still able to write or permanently wear dentures? Stay tuned to find out in Daddy's Diaries XP