2 years ago5,000+ Views
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Jin x Reader
Length: 3922 words
Summary: I was broken- and I thought he could fix me.
Part: 1/?
A/N: It’s here! The OCD fic. Hope you guys like it, it took longer than most chapters usually take me, because I wanted to get every detail right. I’m sorry in advance if this offends anyone, that really wasn’t my intention. Also Happy Ramadan to those of you who are fasting! x
“C’mon y/n, it’ll be fun!”
My friend Jimin was trying to convince me into meeting his friends. I was too busy focused on where he had placed his mug rather than what wa coming out of his mouth. I gritted my teeth together. “Jimin?”
“Yeah?”, he answered, looking at me hopefully.
“Use the coaster please.”
He looked down at the mug. “Oh,sorry.” I watched in silent relief as he picked up the mug and placed in on the coaster...I’d wipe the table after he left.
Jimin was the only person who new about my OCD, and I was so so grateful for his existence. The fact that he was so understanding and didn’t get annoyed with me made me grateful that he was in my life.
I sighed. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea Jimin.” A group of twenty-something year old males? Bound to be unhygienic. Plus he knew I hated to leave the house because it meant I would have to shower when I came back home. I didn’t leave the house unless it was mandatory.
“Y/n pleeeeaassee!”, he pleaded, hands clasped together. “I’ve told them all about you and they want to meet you!”
I caved. I could never say ‘no’ to Jimin when he was like this. “Fine. Do they know about my...”
“Yes, I told them. They know everything. So they won’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I gave him a small smile. If his friends knew about my OCD and still wanted to meet, then perhaps they were as nice as Jimin. With another million ‘Thank yous’ and ‘I’ll see you tomorrows’, he was off.
I locked the door, and double checked it. That was one of my numerous bad habits- the door being locked. I compulsively checked every time I walked past it.
My mind was always screaming at me, making me second guess myself. Did you clean that floor properly? Are all the lights off upstairs? Did you wash your hands thoroughly?
I was obsessed with order, with symmetry. Everything, from my nail polishes to my clothes were placed in order of colour. I didn’t leave my room until the bed was pristine.
I was a prisoner of my own mind, unable to escape. No one in their right mind would put up with me for life- no one.
The next day, I got to the meeting point early- 2 minutes and 46 seconds early to be exact. The boys aid they wanted to meet for lunch at one, and I obliged to please Jimin. I’d get this out of the way and head back home.
I hair was still damp from my shower this morning and I shivered slightly when a breeze ran through it. I knew it was futile to shower this morning, seeing as I’d have another when I got back, but I couldn’t help it.
I checked the time. One minute past one. I instantly started tapping my foot, my mind going into overdrive. Why where they late? What if they weren’t coming? At four past I heard the familiar tinkling laughter in the distance, and my mind instantly calmed. It was Jimin with his six friends.
I hugged him first, brief but tight. “You’re late”, I whispered. He didn’t laugh at me or say ‘it was only 4 minutes’- he simply apologised. I smiled to show I wan’t mad. It had taken me a long time to convince myself it was OK to hug Jimin. A very long time. When we first met, I would refuse to shake his hand. But over time he showed me I could trust him enough to break out of that no-contact rule just for him.
In fact, I remember the first time I hugged him. It was graduation and we were both extremely happy. He was bouncing around, not knowing what to do because of my no contact rule, when in a sudden moment of giddiness, I pulled him into a hug. When I pulled away, there were tears in his eyes- happy tears. Tears because his best friend could finally open up to him like that. I cried too- it was a very messy affair.
“So guys, this is y/n”, Jimin introduced me, beaming at the rest of the group, while I shyly waved. “Y/n, this is Namjoon, Jungkook, Taehyung, Hoseok, Yoongi and Jin.”
I said ‘hello’ to each of them and they gave me a small wave in response. They were all very handsome in their own way, just like Jimin was, but my gaze lingered on the blonde one the longest. The one Jimin had introduced last. Jin. He was beautiful- perfect in every way. Not a hair out of place, no crease in his shirt, flawless skin. He was a sight to behold.
When I saw him, I was no longer worrying about whether I had locked my door, or whether the lights were shut. Or whether I had cleaned enough. The little voice at the back of my mind temporarily stopped nagging me- and that hadn’t happened in years.
Jimin led the way in and I followed closely behind, wanting to stay with the only familiar face I knew. “So, how did you and Jimin meet?”, the tall one asked. If I remembered rightly, his name was Namjoon. His smile was genuine, and his dimple was a perfect circle. I knew he already knew how me met, but he was trying to initiate conversation.
“We were on the same course at Uni”, I smiled. He went out with one of my friends and I got to know him through them.”
“How’d they break up?”, another boy piped up, a cheeky smile on his face. Taehyung, I think Jimin had said. I found myself smiling at the way his mouth formed a rectangular shape.
“Shut up Tae”, Jimin laughed as we sat down at a table. I ended up sitting between the window and Jimin, with Jin opposite me. “I wanna know!”, Taehyung whined. His voice was really deep and calming. That’s the kind of thing I noticed about people. The small details. I noticed Taehyung’s little freckle on the tip of his nose as I scanned his face in amusement.
“Y/n, don’t say anything”, Jimin warned. He was laughing so I knew he wasn’t being serious and just wanted to rile Taehyung, but I couldn’t tell him even if I wanted to. “I honestly don’t remember”, I admitted, making Jimin laugh.
Before I could touch the table, I got a couple of antibacterial wipes out of my back and wiped at my area. I could feel all eyes on me, but all the boys were silent. As I disposed of the wipes in the little plastic bag I had on me and got out my hand sanitiser, my eye caught Jin’s. He smiled at me warmly and I smiled right back.
We ordered and waited for our food, the table silently nodding along to a conversation between Hoseok and Yoongi. I noticed Jungkook was really quite. He was sat on the other side of Jimin, so I looked over to try and catch his eye. When he finally looked up I asked softly, “Are you all right?”
He nodded. “I’m fine. I was just wandering...”, he hesitated.
“Go on”, I prompted, wandering what was on his mind.
“What’s it like? Having OCD?” Yoongi and Hoseok instantly stopped talking and looked at Jungkook in shock, like he had just sworn at me. “Jungkook!”, Namjoon exclaimed. He looked sheepish until he saw me laughing softly. The relief on his face made it funnier. When the boys gauged my reaction they relaxed.
“It’s a good question”, I commended. All eyes were on me now as I tried to find the best words to describe what could only be summed up as a living hell.
“It’s like...being a slave to your own thoughts. My mind’s never calm...there’s always something to check, something to clean. Always something. My brain never switches off..and start to hate yourself for it.” My tone was light, but the words were dark. In hindsight, not something that should be said around a table of people you’re meeting for the first time.
“Wow”, Jungkook breathed, completely fascinated by what I had just said. The first of the food arrived and when I glanced over, he was still in deep contemplation. I smiled to myself. Jimin’s friends were just like him. I was so used to being shunned and seen as a cast out, that it made me genuinely happy that his silence was one of curiosity not disgust.
All the boys soon became engrossed in eating. I started organising the salad by colour on my plate and I felt someone watching. I looked up and lo and behold, Jin was looking right back. “Everything OK?”, I was brave enough to ask him.
“Yeah, thanks. It’s interesting to watch you.” His words made my cheeks heat up but I said nothing in response. Again, as we spoke, there was no voice in my head asking me if I was sure that fork was clean. If I was sure my seat had been wiped before I sat on it. None of those tormenting thoughts...just him.
It had been 26 minutes and 42 seconds since I met Jin, and I had never experienced the feeling of calm and peace his very presence gave me. Jimin was always close in making me forget, but I would always get up 3-4 times to check if the door was locked when he visited.
I cleared my throat and turned my attention back to my plate. “So y/n”, Jimin nudged me playfully, careful not to get skin-on-skin contact. “The boys aren’t too bad, are they?”
I laughed and looked at them all. “You’re all really nice.” We spent the remainder of the time chatting, and I got to know them pretty well in the short time period. I was actually disappointed when it was time to leave.
We all stepped outside, ready to go our separate ways. Each boy waved my to me in turn, but Jin...Jin held his hand out. I didn’t know whether he was testing his limits, or whether had had genuinely forgotten that I didn’t shake hands.
I watched Jimin open his mouth to remind him, but instantly stopped after he saw me tentatively put my hand out to take his. I didn’t know how or why, but it seemed like the right thing to do in the moment. The smile on his face made me warm inside as we shook hands. Jimin, on the contrary, looked shocked, because he knew how much of a big deal this was too me.
As we started walking in opposite directions, I couldn’t help myself as I turned around once more to get one last glance at Jin- to my embarrassment and delight, he was already looking. I turned away instantly and started speed walking to get home.
It was a few hours later- I had showered and was sat, feeling surprisingly relaxed for once. The house was clean, I was clean, the door was locked. All was good.
I had been scrolling through my phone, reading the news, when I received a text from an unknown number. When I read it, I couldn’t help the stupid grin on my face.
From Unknown: Hey, it’s Jin. Got your number from Jimin..hope that’s OK?
I replied ‘Hey Jin. Of course it’s OK :)’. We got chatting again, as I got to know him through text. His likes, dislikes. His hobbies. I decided to ring Jimin, to see if he could make sense of what I was feeling.
He answered pretty quickly. “Hey y/n, glad you remembered me! Jin’s been grinning like an idiot at his phone for 2 hours straight, and I know he’s texting you!” I heard a faint ‘shut up’ in the background and laughed.
“Hey stupid, course I remember you. I wanted your advice on something.”
“Go on...”, he prompted, his tone suggestive, like he was expecting me to confess or something. I proceeded to explain how all the stress and worry disappeared when I was near him, or talking to him. How the little nagging voice at the back of my head went quiet. This had never happened before, so I knew Jimin would understand how much of a big deal this was.
“Y/n...that’s amazing!”, he yelled, making me wince at how loud his voice was. I heard him shuffle around- he was probably getting out of the room Jin was in so he could talk about it.
“So, being around Jin helps you? I knew something was up when you shook his hand earlier! Should I tell him?”
“No no, don’t do that”, I shook my head even though he couldn’t see it. “He’ll think I’m crazy.”
Jimin chuckled. “No he won’t, stupid.” He then whispered, “I think he likes you.”
“Jimin, how do I know you’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”, I asked, even though I was smiling.
“Because he just heard this whole conversation.”
After I stopped shrieking at Jimin and got over my embarrassment, I started apologising profusely to Jin. His gentle voice calmed me down as he replied, “Don’t be sorry. And for the record, I don’t think you’re crazy.”
The outcome of that phone call was...well it felt like a dream. Jin said he’d like to meet me again, and of course I agreed. And for the first time in a long time, I went to bed not dreading the next day.
Fast-forward to our first date- if you could call it that. We met at the same place I had eaten with all the boys and the whole time I just listened to him speak, smiling and nodding. I was nervous as hell, my mouth unable to move.
We were both tucking into an ice-cream sundae when Jin, out of nowhere, announced, “Y/n...I really like you.” I stopped with the spook halfway to my mouth.
“Jin...”, an amused smile played on my lips. “You’ve known me less than a week.” That was my way of challenging whether he meant what he said. “Jimin tells us stories about you, and I’ve seen so many photos of the two of you...I’ve wanted to meet you for a while now.” He looked at me expectantly.
“Well”, I managed to choke out, “I really like you too Jin.” And as he held my free hand in his, I knew this would be the start of something beautiful. Something life-changing. I had found someone who could fix me.
If Jimin was everything I needed in a best friend, then Jin was the perfect boyfriend, if he visited, he’d lock the door behind him and check it in front of me three times. His shoes would be on the shoe rack. He didn’t put his feet up on the sofa. His mugs would always be placed on coasters. He came on time.
I was happy. I was content. Me and Jin were at the hugging stage now. He’d greet me with a hug and if he was in a really good mood, occasionally plant a light kiss on my forehead.
Fast forward to a few weeks- In my mind, everything was still going well. I had been mopping the kitchen tiles when my phone rang. It was Jimin. “Hey y/n”, the familiar sound of his voice bought a smile to my face.
“Hey Jimin! Long time no speak. How are y-”
“-Listen, have you and Jin had an argument?” he blurted out. I frowned. I had just seen Jin yesterday and he had been his usual self. Albeit a bit quieter than usual, listening to me ramble on about my day, but he had said he was tired.
“No we haven’t...why?” There was a slight pause before he replied “No reason, just checking up on the happy couple.” That should have sent alarm bells ringing, but when you have a million and one thoughts running through your head already, you tend to forget things once the conversation moves on.
The next couple of weeks, even I noticed that Jin was a bit off. He’d visit less frequently, smile less, talk less- in fact the last time he came over, he spent more time on the phone to Namjoon than he did talking to me.
I went from being this satisfied girl on the road to recovery, to someone who became scared. You now why I became scared? That day he was on the phone to Namjoon, I was sat with him. Yet there was a voice at the back of my head asking me if the bathroom had really been cleaned properly. Was the bed made? And of course- Was the door locked?
I was scared because I had learned to suppress those thoughts in the rare instances they did come when I was with Jin. That day I did something I had never done before. I followed Jin to the door once he announced he was going home. I waited until he retrieved his shoes from the shoe rack and put them on.
As he straightened up to leave, I pulled gently at his arm to make him face me- and then I kissed him. That’s right. I kissed Jin out of a strange mixture of love and fear. I didn’t want to lose him...I couldn’t lose him.
His hand moved up to my shoulder then round the back of my neck, and I tightened my grip on his arm. That seemed to snap him out of it as he gently pulled away, removing his hand away too. The warmth of his touch replaced by the cooler air made me feel so empty.
“I’ll see you later y/n”, he muttered before leaving. I shut the door behind him. Locking, unlocking. Locking, unlocking. Locking. What Jin didn’t see was how distraught I was. He didn’t see how I frantically cleaned and cleaned after he left. He didn't see how I would wipe the table, and have to re-wipe because my tears were falling on the surface. He didn’t see how I had to furiously rub at my lips with water and soap, hating myself for thinking kissing him might make him stay a little longer.
To my surprise, Jin came back the next day without warning. He would usually tell me a couple of hours in advance. I opened the door and watched him take his shoes off as usual. What I didn’t expect was for him to crash into me, his lips immediately finding mine.
He pulled away, panting. “I want you”, he breathed,
I gave him a small smile. A smile of hope and longing as I replied, “You have me.” His lips were everywhere- trailing my jaw, my collarbone, my neck. To my horror, he was leaving marks on the skin. But I was scared. Scared that if I pushed him away now, I would be pushing him away for good.
He started shedding his clothes and I did my utmost to ignore the items of clothing strewn carelessly on the floor. But he made it easy to forget, which the intense amount of pleasure that followed. All I remembered was moaning his name repeatedly as he continued his ministrations.
To my dismay, he didn’t stay. He said he had work to do, that he was busy. I asked him what he was doing but was only met with an incoherent mumble. I shut the door behind him, whispering ‘ I love you’. All in vain because he had already walked away.
He walked away, leaving me to clean up the mess we’d made. Over and over until I collapsed from exhaustion.
Fast forward to today. He was coming over later, and I wanted to make him happy. I put on a little dinner party display in the kitchen and made his favourite food.
I was just taking off my apron and hanging it up, when Jin knocked on the door. Smiling, I went to answer it. “Jin! You’re here. Come in, come in. I made your favourite dishes today because I knew you’d be tired...”
I trailed off because Jin was just watching me speak from the doorway, making no move to come in. He didn’t even smile at the mention of food, something I knew he loved.
He averted his gaze, focusing on the shoe rack rather than me. He looked exhausted- not the same bright and bubbly Jin I had met that day at the restaurant.
“Y/n”, he sighed my name like it was a chore he was tired of. Like it was something boring. I stiffened immediately, my mind going into overdrive.
“What is it?” I practically whimpered the question, a feeling of dread building up in the pit of my stomach.
“I think we should break up.”
And there it was. The words I had been dreading since Jimin’s mysterious phone call. The words I knew I would hear eventually, but decided to remain in denial, because ignorance was bliss- or so I thought.
“What? W-why?” I tried to keep myself calm and composed, although I was shaking.
“I thought I could make this work, but’re too...”
“I’m too what?”
“Tiring.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. I was too tiring?
“It’a always rules followed by more rules. You don’t like going out. I can’t touch you when I want to, only when you want me too.’re exhausting.”
Tears were trickling down my cheek, but by now Jin was in full flow. “I shouldn’t have let us go on for this long. I’ve let you get too attached, and that only makes this harder. This was a mistake y/n. We’re done.”
I sobbed and sobbed and he stood there like stone? It couldn’t be a mistake. How could it be a mistake when I didn’t have the overwhelming urge to wash my hands after I touched him? How could it be a mistake when he made me forget all my worries?
He turned around and walked away- but this time it was for real. I wanted to cry, to call out after him, but he wouldn’t turn back, I knew it. I slammed the door so hard the walls reverberated. All the food I had made for the one I loved...went straight in the bin.
When I stepped into the shower later that evening, my eyes were sore and puffy from crying. Jimin had been continuously calling and texting all day but I didn’t want to reply.
As the scalding water cascaded over me, I felt dirty, disgusted, pathetic. I scrubbed away furiously at the marks Jin had made on me that night. Scrubbed and scrubbed until the skin was raw.
I cried in anger when they stayed there, mocking me. Serving as a reminder that the one person who could make them on me was no longer here. Because I was ‘exhausting’.
I felt numb as I stepped out of the shower, dried off and dressed. I walked around the house checking all the lights, adjusting the already perfectly set pillows on the sofa and going back upstairs.
There was a tiny glimmer of hope in me that Jin might come back. He might come back to tell me it was a mistake, a misunderstanding. That I wasn’t tiring. That he loved me.
And for the first time in my life- just in case Jin came back- I left my door unlocked.
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This was done well, pretty accurate. I have a close friend with OCD and he's often late to school because he has to take another shower before he leaves or he didn't brush his teeth enough times so he does it over. It's sad so I'm glad you did it justice. I'll be reading this. The last line reminds me of a slam poem by Neil Hilborn called "OCD". The ending goes: "I want her back so bad. I leave the door unlocked. I leave the lights on." feels went up to heaven and then came crashing down...rude... 😢 Everything happened in one chapter and my heart broke way too I'm really curious about what's going to happen next (/.\)
You guys want a Pt 2 or should it end like this?
Aww!!! this was heart wrenching! I can't wait to read the next though!
Holy fak, my heart was pounding as I read this. I really felt as if I were her. her fears and worries, constant internal nagging and emotions and anxiety was beating at me every word I read. The way her(my) heart faltered and the way everything just broke down. All this in one chapter. Absolutely amazing. Now if only I weren't at school I probably would have had a breakdown with the anxiety I felt from her as she escaped but fell right back, crashing into her internal hell. I can't wait for the rest. I just hope she'll get better and Jin will realize his mistake in letting her go. Thank you so much! ♡♡♡♡
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