Spawn, a movie "based" off the comics....and I use that term loosely because...well let's just get this crap over with. I'm not going to lie, I read some of the comic, I did my best. I read what I could find online and from my cousins because I never read Spawn (please don't kill me). But I read what I could so I could compare to the film. This review was requested by @LadyLuna. Sorry this one took so long. I've been trying to find it online. Girl...do you hate me? Because why? Just why? This movie....the acting....the effects....my eyes....my poor, poor eyes!!!! 😭😭😭 Note: This is a biased review. This all my own opinion. If you differ from what I think, thats fine. Everyone has their own perception.
The good. 1. Costumes & Makeup. If there's one good thing that came out of this movie it was the SOME of the costumes and the makeup. Look at Spawn! He looks pretty damn good! His messed up faced that looks like he's been through the Fires of Hell and back! Then his Knight of Hell costume looks pretty badass (minus the atrocious CGI cape). I've gotta say, he looks pretty intimidating. This is the one thing that works for this movie...too bad it couldn't save it.
1. The Story. I don't even know where to start. It's all over the place. Al Simmons is an assassin who know longer wants to be an assassin, but is betrayed by his boss, Jason Wynn, who is just weird (we'll get to him later). Simmons goes to Hell where he meets the Devil and is told to lead his army. If Simmons fails, he'll die. Dude, did you forget that he's already dead? Will he be deadER? That makes no sense. And Simmons coming for Wynn where he shows off his "badassery" to him. Wynn is persuaded by Violator to install some sort of device to trigger a bomb/plague/disease that I still can't follow because I have no idea what's at risk here should he die somehow. Violator plots for Spawn aka Simmons to kill Wynn for this to happen but Spawn doesn't have to be the one to kill him. Anyone can. Hell, Violator can just do it. So really there's no reason for this "plan". Then when Spawn needs to learn how to properly learn his powers from Cogliostro....for 2 minutes!!! Seriously? Not even a training montage?! A little practice wouldn't hurt, buddy. What if Katara from Avatar only practiced one move? She'd be useless and wouldn't be a waterbending master! Don't even get me started on when they get to Wanda's house! When Spawn uses his hell powers to somehow (use horrible cgi) take out the device that would kill people with disease or something (still don't follow) that would apparently start the apocalypse and then they all get reduced into Hell. My god, NOTHING MAKES SENSE!!!!
2. The "Special" Effects. Well it's not as bad as "Food Fight"....actually it looks like the same CGI as "Food Fight". Look at the the first picture. The posture says "The Specials Effects Movie of the year!" Oh My God! Did they really just say that? Who did they pay to put that on their poster?!?! First off, The Devil looks HORRBILE!!!! The mouth and the voice don't even sync up right! They seriously couldn't come up with a better design for the freakin Devil?! Like say.....from the actual comic?!?! Nope, Hollywood decided that they could do better.....if better looked like a giant deformed chihuahua with a really bad underbite going bald! Let's take a look at Hell. Hell looks cheap, generic, lame, and all around crappy! I have to mention this: Spawn's cape! Every scene when his cape comes in looks like it's....I can't even describe it...dull? Plastic? CGI? It's not there! You can tell it's a bad effect! You can tell there was no effort, there wasn't even an attempt to make it look decent! This is a big budget movie and yet I've seen fan-made films make better-looking CGI than this! My god this is just plain awful! This is deplorable! Shame on this movie! Shame on Hollywood!
3. The Acting. There was ALOT of stilted acting here. I mean Michael Jai White was okay, he was trying his best, you can tell. But John Leguizamo as Violator and Martin Sheen as Jason Wynn were over-the -top. Theresa Randle as Wanda was either underacting or overacting. There was really no one impressive here. Even the voice of the Devil (even if the sync matched up) was just plain horrible!!!!!!!!
4. The Villains. Aside from the Devil who is really dumb and really bland. Jason Wynn is just so....typical. When you first meet him his office has pictures of explosions, he has pet tarantulas and scorpions, he's got that whole "I wanna destroy the world for absolutely no reason" vibe. He's a poor villain. Violator is just plain annoying. I'm prone to migraines and this guy was just not helping. His voice, his attitude, his "plan", he's stupid. Everything about him isn't at all entertaining. Maybe I'm being a buzzkill, but I just wasn't very amused.
Consensus? It's god awful. Terrible. Please, never let me go trough this again! I never want to again! The story is flip-floppity, the characters/ actors have no idea what they're doing, and the CGI is off-the-charts terrible. Good Lord, this is some of the worst CGI effects I have ever seen!!! It's like they half-assed EVERYTHING!!!!! This came at a time where they didn't take comic book movies seriously, comic books were considered "kid-stuff". They never thought to take it to the next level like they do now. From what I've heard, a new "Spawn" movie is in the works and hopefully it'll turn out much better. I'm kinda hoping for Sam Raimi to take the reigns for it or at least be a part of it. That man can do wonders when it comes to creature designs. Also what do you want me to review next week? Something old? Something new? Something good? Something bad? Let me know in the comments. If I dont get any requests by Thursday, Ill just put something out. K? Fair? Goodie.
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