Photos are not mine*****
Warning: Angst, Anger, Hurt, and Adult Language and some content (I guess)
If a glare could set fire to anything, then the door that my eyes are holding in place should explode. For the past five hours, I have not moved. My body is trembling with anger, hurt, embarrassment, and shame. Half of me wants him to come through that burning door but the other half hopes he doesn’t. My mind is a wildfire at the moment, I don’t know whether I should kill or cripple him. The sensible side of my mind is yelling at me to allow him to start and explain what happened. The other side says to attack at first sight. At this point, I’m not sure which I’ll follow once I see his face.
The door knob jiggles as he unlocks the door. He sees me sitting on the arm of the chair, facing him dead on. My eyes lift from staring at the toe of my boot to meet his eyes. I dig my fingernails into the cushion so I don’t lunge after him. He slowly reaches for the light switch and turns on the light so he can see me clearly. I cock my head to the side at him. He takes in the full view of me and my surroundings. He sees the tear stains on my cheeks, the anger and fire in my expression, the duffle bag sitting next to my crossed legs. He gently steps into the apartment and closes the door behind him without a sound. His cool expression and overly calm movements that he has as he is moving around the room pisses me off even more; he’s taking his time.
“Hello,” Shownu says tentatively, he places his coat on the rack, my eyes following his every movement with a raised eyebrow. I stare at his chest for a moment trying to clear my head so I can hear him out, so I can hear his side of the story. Shownu walks closer to me but stays at a safe distance, leaning against the wall. His body is drenched from the rain storm, “Why are you still awake? It’s 12am.”
“Couldn’t sleep,” I spit out, I can only stare at the front door; I can’t even look at him in this moment. I hate him and yet in the back of my head, even though I know of all the shit he has put me through, I still love him. Which this fact makes me hate him even more.
“Are you coming back from somewhere?” Shownu asks, he points toward my duffle bag but retreats his hand to his back pocket.
“I haven’t left yet,” I say, my heart rate increasing at how long this is taking for him to come out and say it himself. Is he going to make me blow up? I think to myself.
“Are you mad at me for some reason?” Shownu asks in a weak voice. My attention snaps to him, he didn’t meet my eyes and he involuntarily takes a step away from me.
“That, sir, is an absolute understatement to the situation that we are in at the moment,” I growl at him, “Shownu, do you even know why I am upset?”
“What day of the month is it?” He retorts back with a chuckle, “Oh, wait that doesn’t usually matter.”
“I can’t believe you,” I stare at him in shock, “You have nothing to say? Its 12 a.m. We were supposed to go on a date at 7p.m. It’s not like this is the first time you’ve pushed me over to the side without a notice.”
“I got busy, you know how my job is. You knew what you got yourself into when you signed up for our relationship,” He growls back at me. We stay in silence for a few minutes glaring at one another, the only sounds we can hear is our heavy breathing and the rain.
“So, who were you doing?” I ask him, looking down at my boot again.
“What?” Shownu’s voice sounds in shock , he steps over towards me. I put my hand up stopping him in his tracks. I know I can’t handle him if I feel his presence too close, his warmth and smell always seems to give me comfort, but I- I can’t let this one go.
“Who was it this time, Shownu?” I ask slowly, “Who were you with? She must have been really important to you, for you to forget about our anniversary.” I mess with my engagement ring as he stares at me wide eyed.
“I wasn’t with-”
“Stop the shit, Bear!” I interrupt him with my angry yell. I see him gulp down his nervous vile as I repeat myself, “Who were you with… this time?”
“Lee Hi,” Shownu confesses, his attitude changes from defense to shame. He rubs his eyes with his already soaked sleeve.
“Really?” I purse my lips and nod my head, “She’s really beautiful... Why her?” I ask him.
“It was in the moment. I didn’t mean-”
“It must have been one amazing moment for you to forget your “schedule” and to lie to me,” I say harshly. He continues to watch my every move, not saying anything. I let my fingers play with my bottom lip as I let the air continue to grow with harsh energy.
“I’m sorry,” Shownu softly whispers. His apology feels like a smack, I shut my eyes and fail to hold back my tears. I shake my head but let my tears run down. I give up. I give up on trying to hold them back, he has hurt me to the utmost extent and he needs to see it.
“Why,” I growl out, “Why do you do this?” I pause, “You cheated on me with my best friend and I forgave you,” I pause, taking in a shaky breath, “You cheated on me with Soyou, and I stupidly gave you another chance.” I stand up and pace the room as I think through the past two months that have pushed me passed the edge of breaking, “I know about the two fans that you met at the Thailand fan meeting and the one at the UK fan meeting, the translator Lee Yin told me about you all,” I’m angrily stuttering out the evidence I have to end this relationship, “I get it. You might feel lonely at times... I am not going on the tours with you and facetime isn’t enough... Maybe…maybe there was alcohol involved and it messed with your judgement… but come on! Shownu, you haven’t given me anything to work with. You proposed to me,” I yell at the top of my lungs and point at him, “But you – you don’t want me!” I stop pacing and stare at him, “That’s the whole point of marriage! I’m yours and you are mine. You can’t go fucking everyone else. That’s not how it works. That’s not how our relationship or anyone else’s, for that matter, works…. Do you know how many guys I’ve been tempted to fuck while working at Starship Entertainment and I DON’T? It’s because I love you, not them, you.” I run my fingers through my hair and try to not pull it out.
“I’m so sorry, it’s my fault. It won’t happen again,” Shownu says, he’s crying now.
“I believed you the first two times, Shownu,” I say. I place my hands on my hips and fix my eyes on him, “I quit.”
Shownu looks at me in confusion with those words, “What do you mean, “I quit”?”
I pull the diamond off my finger and place it on the table next to the picture we took on our three months being together, “I quit our relationship. I will always love you but I will never forgive you for what you have done and I cannot live like this. I’d lost a lot before meeting you, I thought you were the best thing that had happened to me, but in return, you were the worst. You are toxic, Shownu.” I step away from him with that remark as I bawl, “All you do is give empty promises, I’ve given you SO MANY chances, and you’ve thrown them away as if they were nothing.”
Shownu takes two strides across the room and wraps me in his arms. At first, I don’t fight it because I know this is the last time I’ll be in his arms. I won’t come back, I think. “Please, don’t leave me. I know I’m not the best thing for you and I am awful but I don’t know how to live without you,” He whispers into my hair, taking in my scent. These words from his lips are so tempting I have to fight him off me before I give in. I separate from him, giving us some space, he looks so tired and broken. I can’t look at him anymore and just before I am about to break down again, there is a knock on the door. Lee Yin is finally here to pick me up.
“Who’s that?” Shownu asks with a haunting voice.
“Lee, she’s taking me to the airport,” I say.
“For a while,” I say, “I can’t stay here.” I grab my duffle bag and walk to the door without looking behind me.
“Y/N, please!” Shownu yells at my back with such heartache, “Don’t leave me! I can’t live without you.”
I open the door as Shownu falls to the floor on his knees behind me, grabbing my bag strap, “Please, I’ll never look at another girl, I’ll stop being an idol and get a different job!” He says, “Just don’t leave me.”
“You should have thought of that sooner, Shownu,” Lee says to him and smacks his hand hard enough that he lets me go and I run through the down-pour to her car. I don’t look back.
This was really hard for me to write because I love his loving, gently, comforting, and adorable attitude but I really felt like i wanted to write this one.