So, more about the guy I work with..... I'm incredibly insecure about, well everything about myself. (years of being told you're not good enough in sometimes subtle ways will do that) I've reached the point where the idea comes into my head that I'm annoying & people only put up with me, and I don't know what to do now, I'm in my typical "just give up already, it's not going to happen" phase. But this time I have this part of me that's saying "don't give up on this one. he's different" I'm really hoping that part is right, seeing as he knows a side of me that only my best friend has seen. I don't want to have opened up like that for nothing by giving up as usual. But the nagging insecurity is winning again.....I've spent every day worrying about what he could possibly see in me, every night unable to sleep fearing that he'll see who I am behind the joking, laid back act I usually put on.....overwhelmed by a past filled with loss, anxiety, self harm that still occasionally happens, someone so broken that it takes all their energy just to get up in the morning and make any effort at all at having as normal a life as possible.
Easier said than done most days, thoes are the days I'm greatful to have someone like Jared to look up to and my friend Tasha in my life. Never in my life would I have thought anyone else could make me feel the way my coworker does. Someone once made a comment about him not being attractive and for a second I was genuinely angry to hear someone say that about him! She even had the audacity to say that I was wasting my time on him, I was ready to go off and say so many horrible things to her that I would later regret. Instead I just say to her that everything she'd just said was her opinion (not one I liked but one which she can express if she wants) and left it at that. I have no idea what's going on with me and this guy and the uncertainty keeps me awake at night, leaving me feeling like I'm losing my already fragile grip on reality which only makes my anxiety worse, causing some adverse physical effects. Not sure what to do, is this something I bring up with him or not? Or is this particular stone best left unturned?