To me, Asperger's is not an excuse for my behaviour, but it explains why I do things the way I do, in a way that is different than most. It's hard to explain, and harder to get people to understand. But as an Aspie, I... Find it difficult to describe myself when asked to. My typical response is something like "red hair, blue-grey eyes, mother of four." (Your personality? ...Oh, I'm...uh....me.) Will either talk entirely too much, with too much enthusiasm and intimate detail, or not at all. Either way, I regret every second of every conversation later...sometimes fretting over the tiniest details for months (or years) after. Abhor shirt tags and pants in-seams. Research everything. I mean, E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Want to watch Farscape for the 100th time. Marathon time. Love writing lists. Chores lists, grocery lists, things I'd like to do lists, ideas for stories or poetry lists... Had a thousand ideas a moment ago, but the alarm on my dryer went off and now I can't think of anything. Hate that my kids inherited Asperger's, because all I wanted for them was to be happy, healthy, and normal. Find that repetitive tasks are a strange source of pleasure. Like I'm trying to see how efficient I can be...can I beat my high score? ...Oh, not being scored. :/ Am up at 2 am, folding clothes because I have too much energy to sleep. Even though I've been up since 5 am yesterday, and only got 3 hours of sleep then. Am often told I speak too softly. In my head, my voice seems loud, and I don't like that I always feel like I'm shouting. Find loud sounds and bright lights physically uncomfortable, sometimes painful. Cannot use a public bathroom. And I really don't like the auto flush toilets. Poop naked. (My husband asked me why once...It's because fabric on my skin becomes irritating and suffocating during a bowel movement, I just want to claw it all off.) Tend to provide too much information. I wish I had a better filter. Hate cigars because they make the air feel oily and gross. Love the smell of coffee, but can't drink it because it makes me sleepy. I should probably try some at bed time, when I can't sleep....except I probably won't think of it when I need to. Just had another idea for a useful invention. I should probably Google it first, to make sure it doesn't already exist....Yeah, someone else thought of it first. Wonder how single celled organisms developed into multicellular organisms. (Another interesting Google adventure!) Am addicted to Google Search. Much better than sifting through three sets of encyclopedia scattered across the floor. Try to memorize new social scripts in new situations. Feel uncomfortable and like a failure when I know I haven't responded to something the way someone else expected. Time to over analyze and internally criticize myself for a while. Forgot to trim my nails...and my kids' nails. Organizing my books by size now, because by author looked too messy. Have decided to eat out because spaghetti is just too much work today. And look, empty parking lot! Don't know if I want to eat at this restaurant now, a crowd of people just walked in. Yeah, spaghetti it is. Got the high scores on every level of Candy Crush, vs my friends and family. I don't want to be this competitive, I really don't like the feeling at all. Am studying my latest passion...quantum entanglement. Test me next week. Apologize if I feel like I've blundered, even if I'm not sure what I might have said of done wrong. Don't know everything, I just happen to know a lot about what you're talking about because I've researched it before. Seem like a know-it-all, but I just don't talk about things I know nothing about. Am defending an anonymous person on Facebook from someone who's being a cyber bully because I can't stand to see someone attacked. Why do people have to go out of their way to try and hurt other people? Loved helping out in special education when I was a kid because it was the only place in school I didn't feel judged or like an outcast. Find the pain and sadness of the world overwhelming, but I don't want to turn away, I want to confront it and bring it to an end. Am unbelievably clumsy, despite having the reflexes of a cat. My butt bumped the table, but I caught the spice jar before it could smash to the floor, even though I was turned away from it. Also, my shins are so banged up from a lifetime around coffee tables that I have permanent knots on my bones. Become overwhelmed if there's too much sound, strong smells, a lot of movement, or bright lights. Hot Topic used to be my hideaway when my friends wanted to go to the mall. Am not really sure why I started this list, anymore. Will it help someone? Does it provide insight? Do I really think anyone will want to read it? Remember many things from my childhood like they happened yesterday, but cannot remember where I put my tablet yesterday. Surprised my mother when we went back to Massachusetts with how much I remembered of the place and people we knew, even though we moved from there when I was four (and some of the places and people I hadn't seen since I was 2). Want my kids to have stronger social lives than I did and do, but dread meeting their friends' parents. (Confession!) Love taking walks...but that other person walking, why did they choose right now to walk, too? Oh, they see me. Would it be too strange if I dived into these bushes to avoid walking past them? Passing by now, feeling twitchy and nervous, can they tell? Smile and wave...you call THAT a smile? You probably looked like you were having a stroke while accidentally swallowing a fly! Well, at least they're behind you now...maybe they're not turning around to look at you. Is your butt wiggling to much? Don't need creep attention, you know. Time to head home...and reconsider ever walking again. Found my keys in the freezer again. I guess I thought they needed to cool off for a while. Love puns and find sarcasm amusing, but I take everything aimed at me quite literally. Have no idea someone is flirting with me unless they tell me so. Am sorry I'm apologizing again, but it seems like I'm just tripping all over myself, and I don't know how to fix this, and sorry is the only reparation I really know. Feel like I'm always looking in the mirror, searching for flaws and trying to fix them, trying to find what makes me not normal. Loved organising my books and toys as a kid. I liked Legos more than dolls, and would spend hours sorting them by size and colour after my sister dumped them all over the place again. Didn't know when someone was really trying to be nice to me, or were faking it to trick me into a bully's trap. I learned at an early age not to trust friendliness, but I ignored the lesson a lot and got bullied a lot because of it. Have too many books for my small house. I could start a library. I SHOULD start a library!!! Have really skilled hands and am great with precision when it comes to carpentry and auto repair. Shouldn't really be allowed to use power tools, OUCH! I'm still just a big clumsy oaf! Have consciously adopted personality traits of people I've admired, in order to change myself to overcome certain things in my life. Cannot speak when I'm being criticized, nor find the words to refute such critique. My brain shuts off when I'm upset and I either likewise shut down or lash out, AKA Aspie meltdown. Knew I was different when I was very young. I couldn't understand why other kids didn't want to learn everything from all of the books in the library...why they wanted to play the same boring games every day when there were so many fantastic worlds to discover. Likewise, they didn't understand why I'd spend every spare moment in the library when there were shiny new marbles to win and so much space to play tag in. See you staring at me, heard what you just said, but don't understand your body language or what you're really trying to tell me. What you said is what I'm going by because I don't understand any of your nonverbal clues. I'm sorry again. If you would have just said what you meant, there wouldn't be this confusion. KNOW I was just holding that plate, then suddenly my hand was no longer part of my body....and now the plate is on the floor in pieces and I'm staring at my hand that simply exists again. Forgot why I was making this list, but can't seem to stop adding to it anyway. Was obsessed with dolphins in my youth...I even joined the Dolphin Project, which documented dolphins in Georgia's coastal waters. This interest was put on the back burner when my children came into the picture and took priority. Have my own style, and don't care how anyone else feels about it. And it's mostly just whatever I happen to throw on. Can't find my flip flops again...why aren't they by the door where I always leave them?
Will follow rules and laws precisely, but don't expect everyone to do the same. Sorry the speed limit seems so slow to you...you can drive around, I don't mind....no, I'm really not being sarcastic this time... Am great at all kinds of games, but will make a conscious effort to not be, to give others a chance to win because I want to share the elation with others and not hog all the glory. Write down all of my dreams. Don't understand why people are sad at funerals, when their religion tells them their loved one is going on to a better place. Share my perspective, even though I'm sure people don't really care what my thoughts are. Wonder why people ask questions they don't really want to know the answers to. Find it hard to imagine that anyone actually thinks about me unless I'm right there in front of them. Am not antisocial, but I find it difficult to be around people or to talk to people. Might have forgotten to put on deodorant today. Hand sanitizer, when no one is looking. Try to look people in the eye when they talk to me, but it's unnerving to look them in the eye. Why is eye contact even necessary? Need to calm down when I'm talking about something I'm interested in. People can't understand me when I'm excited and talking really fast, about complex concepts, while jumping up and down in my seat and flailing my arms about. Don't really feel like I was talking that fast. Should save some of these for another card. If you want to read more of this.