So I decided I should come clean about a lot of thing that's been happening the past couple of years. Usually, I don't really like to share these things but I felt like I came to the point in my life where in order for me to get pass this I should speak up. Credit to : @MadAndrea and @resavalencia ( Thank you for giving me the strength to do this and sharing your stories.)
Where should I start? I've been diagnose with Server Depression and Social phobia during my 2nd year of highschool last year. I've had these symptoms throughout my whole life and my mom didn't want to acknowledge it at first. She told me after a certain age she noticed I really didn't talk to anyone, I only followed my brother around so I never really made my own friends, and that i would spend many hours without socializing with anyone (I still do that till this day but I have gotten better) I was always good at hiding my feelings and constant self hate with just being nonchalant and laughing when I was hurt. I was always considered a weird and happy virus around the people who actually stay by me. I held in all my pain for a long time and during last year I finally broke.
Last year, I began to notice that I started to lose interest in many normal things that I considered to love doing .Like learning, eating,even showering at some point, music, and just being active. (Learning was a big one for me) Ever since I was a kid I was always known for that one kid being in love with school. I grew that love because of my older brother went to school ( my mom said i always wanted to be around my brother and no one else. ) so I began to study ahead with my grandma. I learned how to read before my time when I was still a little baby. ( I used to score on a highschool level when I was in 2nd grade in understanding reading and writing)
So that's where the problem started for me: I was always that one smart kid in class but I didn't pay attention to most people because I was always worried about my older brother. In 2nd or 3rd grade I remember getting into many fights because people used to bully my brother for being gay. I've always knew that my brother was gay when I was verrrryy young but I didn't think of it much when I was younger but as we got older many people used to bully him . Me being the doting little sister I was I used to do everything like him ( I dressed in his clothes when I was in elementary) so people used to also bully me for the same reason. Favorite line I used to hear that I can never forget : " You act like a dike and he acts like fafagot.Your mom should've just made you switch places. What's better ? She should've abort you gay asses" Ha. I didn't necessarily care during that time because my main priority was my brother and helping him get through school safely. I was always strong minded and never really let those things get to me but at some point it did... The reason I was so connected to my brother was because he was pretty much a father figure to me even though we are 2 years apart. He took care of me and showed me many things to life that I wished my father did. My father....
My father..... The start of all this started him. I was always a daddy's girl ( according to my mom) Just like my brother I was stuck to my dad's hip. I didn't want to believe that my father broke his promises or that he didn't pick me up just because he didn't want to. I dont have much of a good memory of my father other than me waiting outside for him to come pick me up. ( He never came) I remember always calling him but he never answered but when my mom called he answered.... When I was younger I didn't pay any mind to it in all honesty nor did I notice how it affected the way I act. I've always remembered him always telling me to wait for him outside but he would never come . I remember crying all night because he wouldn't even answer my calls. At some point i just started to not care anymore. I stopped calling , I stopped wanting to be around him. He became a stranger. Until, I got into highschool he wanted to try but barely came through. He didn't come to my 8th graduation though he promised to, he didn't come to my first recital .... he never went to any of things I considered important for me but when it's time for my other brothers and sisters important events he always want me to be there with him. I've became really salty against that man over time. I just gave up on trying to build a relationship with. I told him during my 8th grade year how I felt and he said he would try ( after arguing for hours saying he is not obligated to do anything and he's the parent blah blah blah) He didn't. My sister was the one who actually tried to stay in contact with me . When I got into highschool I was around her in my dad for awhile because she wanted me to. I loathed being over there for too long because it made me uncomfortable and caused small anxiety attacks in the bathroom... I really tried to be around them but they make me feel like I didn't belong there. I began to ignore my sister's messages also.....I still feel bad for cutting her and the rest of the side of the family off but I know to her my dad is her savior and the sun& moon. She didn't understand how I felt but I understood her place so I didn't want cause any trouble for her and the rest of my many siblings on my dad side. But during 10th grade I decided to try again because my mom thought it would be good to since my anxiety was getting worse. For the first time ever my dad came to my recital ( Lightsaber performance) I honestly thought he tried but that was short lived. Like I said when I began highschool I started to lose interest in all things but the only thing I couldn't let go was dance ( which is another factor to my problems but I'll go into that later in the card.) Recently, this summer my grandad opened up a club in honor of my late grandmother on his birthday. During this time I was working with KMSeoul to begin a project that we wanted to complete during the summer. My father called me and asked me to come up with a performance in only a couple of days with KMSeoul. ( It takes atleast 2 days for me to hold a meeting and atleast a week to teach a dance. we only had like 5 days to prepare. ) So, I made quick arrangements with the team and we decided to learn Fire by Bts. In my mind : Syeshia dont do this to your team because you know he wont come through. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I taught anyway. A few days before the performance I tried to call him multiple times to see if I could check out the venue but he didn't answer at all. I messaged my sister to tell him to contact me but he still didn't. So as a leader I didn't want them to go through what I have to so I told them i canceled. The day of my grandad's opening I didn't get a call or nothing. I was pretty heated.... You can do anything to me but if you mess with something I love to do or disrespect what I do then I will lose respect for you and that's what happened. I came open and told him that he was the reason I suffered many mental issues. He didn't even ask if I was okay or what did I mean. He legit told me I can change my last name and that he wont lose no sleep over a disrespectful child.... so I decided to disown him . This man made me fear being around people in the fact that they might hate me or leave me. I became closed up and never wanting to go out because I feared they will do the same. I was really in a sensitive state before this happened and I was just diagnosed. He didn't care. ... I was pretty much in pain for a long time. I used sit in room when I was 6 or 7 and cut because everyone i wanted to get close to didn't want me. I used to contemplate suicide around 9 because my father didn't want me... my brother hated me..... my mom only worried about my brother because he was out being a grown up at a young age. She didn't mean to ignore me she just didn't think I needed the attention at that time because I was always content with being alone. I was scared and lonely until I found K-pop and my passion to become a performer. I was 7 around that time but when I started middle school ( the happiest years of my life tbh) I found things I could be happy for. I was content with just being unwanted and this horrible monster I was in my mind. If I had music , writing, and my dreams I was content. So, when in 9th grade I made the story, " Broken Pieces of Our Hearts" the girl Sarang is actually me. She was made out of fragments of what I am but not all of me. That's why i named it broken pieces. Most of my main characters are made of fragments of me and what I wished to be. Sarang is that pretty girl with a sad beginning and a beautiful ending that I wish I had. I wished to be beautiful like her. It started off as a dream but I made it a story. That's why the first unedited version was a mess because that was kind of how it was for me when I began highschool. I strangely made friends quickly but I was still was struggling with myself but I was content.
How I went from being content with my depression to losing my shit: Like I said when I hit highschool I lost all interest in normal life things. The only thing I could hold onto was K-pop to be specific my dreams.The only thing I had left was my fruitless dreams of becoming an idol. The only thing I cared about was dancing and my dreams. At first in 9th grade I didn't really notice it nor did it bothered me. I was always wary of many people around me and I always hated myself so it wasnt that much of a surprise for me. But when I actually found friends I could be myself with I became very careful about letting them know about me hating myself or my fear of them leaving me. I used humor to cover up my hatred towards myself. They thought it was funny so why couldn't I just make fun of it? My grades began to look mediocre compared to when I was in 8th but like I said I used humor to hide my failings. When I hit 10th grade everything fell down hill. My grades began to fall tremendously , I couldn't find passion in learning at all, and I started to just give up on everything. The only thing I had left was dance but even in dance i was horrible. I let my fear of people hating me get in the way of me doing well. I didn't do it full out nor did I do my best because when the kids in the class talked amongst themselves I get wary and think they would be talking about me . I couldn't do things up to my teacher's expectations so I began having heavy anxiety attacks much more frequently. It came to the point that every time I walk through the hallways and people looked at me I began to freak out and run home. The day my teacher gave up on trying to get me out my shell I officially broke. I didn't know what else to do. I felt useless in the only thing I was good at. I started to second guess my dreams and I was stuck in this spiral of what the fuck am I? Then it got worse: My mom started to get even more sick from her past strokes and I couldn't do anything to help her. I felt worthless and dumb compared to my brother. I couldn't do things properly for her ... I felt so fucking selfish and useless because I'm over here self loathing while my mom is practically going near death again. I couldn't tell her what was happening because I didn't want to add more stress but I did anyway. I just stopped going to school for awhile. I wanted to cut and harm myself so bad but I promised not to do that again a long time ago when my brother told my mom that I was cutting my upper thighs and hips. It gotten to the point my mom couldn't take it. I went to go to the therapist and I was diagnose with server depression and social phobia. I legit lost everything at that moment. For the rest of the school I just let myself ghost through and not letting it show. I guess you can say I gotten better since then but I still get wary of other people around me. During the summer after getting rid of the main source of my "problems" I decided to promise myself to actually try this year because I know I can still do it. If I can pass a hard summer course I can pass junior year. I promised myself to try to put myself out there and actually do something to get me closer to my dreams. As if May 2017 I will (hopefully) go to Korea for the summer and also audition. So far I haven't made that much progress except from actually paying attention in class. I get headaches if I'm around people for long periods of time and I'm still on bad notes with my dance teacher. I'm currently fighting to gain confidence in myself but it is really hard for me. I still haven't lost hope in becoming a performer in Korea but I still get ehhhhhh because over the summer my dancing skills became messy.
I'm still reaching.
I want to become the same people who inspired me to become the person that inspire others. I want to be able to make someone happy just because they hear my song or just my face. I want to be that person's dream. I hope that one day I can make that happen. If you made it this far in this long card of just nothingness thank you for listening. I really appreciate it.
because she's very complex and different from what I'm used to writing. So I hope you guys will enjoy her as much as I do. @PrettieeEmm @VeronicaArtino @MaricelvaRomero @AaliyahNewbell @UnnieCakesAli @ManduBum @herreravanessa9 @EyramNtamack @ashleykpop @lupemontserrat @otakukpopgirl @TrinitySihavong @BtsIsLife @StephanieDuong @aguileragissel @kchavens09 @RecklessYouth @lupemontserrat @haniarocioo @VeePrudent @Myaisnotsexy @Taehyungie @gtfoiris @kpopulair @baileykayleen @XergaB20 @sherrysahar @jgallegos222 @sugajin94 @SharayahTodd @unbreakable1109 @nate1226 @VixenViVi @tayunnie @AimeeH @katiems @Rhia @Nadinerzz @glo86 @NancyVongvilay @Jiyongixoxo @MadAndrea @syd4tomato @naydelinrm @SashaPalansky @wooziswifeu @wereWoolf @MelissaNavarro @deokmanz @MindyLee3 @jennymedina0318 @LovelyHana17 @katcollins02 @ParkHaru @AikoPalman @JeriJohnson @HappyLulie @KWellnitz @88kpoplove @SerahDiane @NikkiJumba @Megano @vanessahale109 @Jinsprincess86 @ReynaWithLove @Katherikookie @eahenline20 @ChelseaAustin @Simba14 @malibella @GauhuaYang @linzi0302 @KpopGaby @PrettieeEmm @MichelleIbarra @jessicalnichols @lupemontserrat @SkyRollins @kpopandkimchi @xsandos17 @OliviaZenger @arinnamist @leeabby88 @KaiTakashima @linzi0302 @CassidyCathell @JessAS @xsandos17 @jojojordy2324 @jader @aleeejandraaa @HarperKennett @Meeshell @lovechobina @destiny1419 @amberg171997 @JingglyPuff @xxxtina @KaiTakashima @destiny1419 @aguileragissel @kchavens09 @jenjenkhreim @ARMYStarlight @adikiller @MayraCastro @thedopeshow1994 @AshleyMeowmeow @annevictoriaaa @ryanparriola @Pickles440 @SamanthaRae19 @moonchild03 @BaekYeolBaby @Rebecca22 @APinchOfSuga @exoxerox @CaitlynMaharrey @agirlwholovesV @fleaisms @SilentPianist @Emealia @lovethuder1025 @ryanparriola @JasmineWilliams @B1A4BTS5ever @Ilikepancakes @RainaC3 @kpocp14young @annevictoriaaa @LexTay327 @AgentLeo @StarlightDria @cue2pal @IamSasha @jenjenkhreim @Applegiggles @shelbyhusband @4dalientae @aguileragissel @EyramNtamack @lovechobina @fleaisms @pharahuchiha @ItatiSanchez @MorleeCorielus @kat121 @JasmineWilliams @KikiChan2119 @namjoonswife @AgentLeo @momoziczioco99 @emilyanpham14 @BrendaValdez @Krazypop @gtfoiris @RecklessYouth @otakukpopgirl @ashleykpop @aleeejandraaa @CassidyCathell @jessicalnichols @KaiTakashima @jader @JingglyPuff @kpopular @darcmana @jenjenkhreim @JasmineWilliams @mirsadatuzla @PrincessUnicorn @GauhuaYang @linzi0302 @xsandos17 @Meeshell @kchavens09 @BrendaValdez @ARMYStarlight @StarlightDria @kazukishika @CarleaseMoore @staceyholley @Raelinda @abiersack666 @LuvlyMochi @malibella @GauhuaYang @lupemontserrat @SkyRollins @xsandos17 @leeabby88 @VivianYang @HarperKennett @StephaniePoore @jjg97 @haniarocioo @VeePrudent @gtfoiris @BrendaValdez @cue2pal @saraortiz2002 @LilySilver @AshleyMeowmeow @annevictoriaaa @SarahVanDorn @samni1517 @Rebecca22 @aidalra @thatoneoutcast @opaldreamer @jennymedina0318 @ligaya @gabbylu13 @DreaG1518 @MyriamMadla98 @Adetoro @taetaebaozi @jeppblackmen @JustinaNguyen @AlmaRangel @anniechang1545 @VKookie47 @Princess2328 @blackirishawk @kyky97 @sarahdarwish @Mahealani @TracyLynnn @edwey66 @dancingdazzler @MBLAQSA @CreeTheOtaku @callmeguenza @nenegrint14 @ninjamidori @katcollins02 @BrookeStam @syodii @BridgetJara @jessicacheung97 @Beckah1327 @Izab3lla @sosoaloraine23 @Valerie816 @jungkookie1 @VIPFreak2NE1 @Caky @reyestiny93 @NasihaOcasio @JustinaNguyen @p0isevy @Helixx @VeronicaOrtiz @BekiKunstman @NEOisRealo @Spark2015 @DominiqueThomas @dancingdazzler @MissT615 @CreeTheOtaku @taylorthetwist @lilbr0wneyes @agirlwholovesV @terenailyn @RaquelArredondo @XergaB20 @Bitterlimelight @Maddie27 @staceyholley @JasminMartinez @Kieuseru @DenieceSuit @YvonJerzak @katcollins02 @Kpossible4250 @edwey66 @KpopQueenaBee @mjenifferjm9 @punkpandabear @VivianYang @JessicaFigueroa @katcollins02 @SaiT @MischiefK1ng @Bitterlimelight @rcuero @YumiMiranda @CheyanneLindsey @sarahdarwish @YeseniaF @CSVIP @Izab3lla @TerraToyaSi @Dabaesaplayer @krin @jemitza @viparm @AikoPalman @JaiiPanda @MelissaGarza