SNBlackRose
a year ago500+ Views
Too Much Chapter 24: Anxiety and Losing Hope
Hello everyone, chapter 24 is here. There's not much to say that isn't covered by the title so I'll just leave it at that.
Disclaimer: Many of the characters aside from BTS are made up. And, of course, I don't know BTS personally so their personalities are probably mostly fictional.
Character thoughts are in { } and words in English are bolded. Let me know if you would like to be tagged in future chapters. Please forgive me for any mistakes I make and I hope you enjoy!
Beginning: Chapter 1
Previous: Chapter 23
Word Count: 3736
Warning: May contain mild language
Rose POV
After that last meeting with the boys, I felt both relieved and anxious. On one hand, it felt good to be able to tell someone else what I had been through. They had told me about themselves, things you would find in any fan site or Wikipedia page, so it really wasn’t fair that I was keeping secrets. Of course, the things to reveal were of different magnitudes and topics than each other, but they were important to each of us. I just had to get over my fear of trusting people. And the feeling that I got after telling them...it felt so nice. They didn’t seem to judge me, and while they did appear to be more cautious around me, I think they were just worried about doing something to physically hurt me. Which was completely understandable, though I did have to tell them a few times that I wasn’t made of tissue paper.
On the other hand, it did make me anxious. How much of my past could they take before it became too much for them...until they no longer saw me, but a victim? I was scared of that. And even though they didn’t appear to judge me, and I was quite positive that they didn’t, that Devil-on-my-shoulder kept telling me that you never really know how a person is on the inside. That bastard voice kept telling me that it’s not possible for Angie to be the only person like that in the entire world—which of course was true. But it wasn’t likely that the boys were like that. And yet...
Almost a week had passed after that revelatory day. The boys had continued to text me, though it was in short bursts due to their schedule. Yoongi was able to go back to his routine of sleeping at my house Saturday morning, though it was cut short. He woke up at lunch again, but afterwards, instead of us watching a movie, he asked if he could work on his music while I worked on my writing. It worked out really well. He had brought his own laptop and I let him use my desk since it would be harder for him to use that couch than it would for me. And for me, it felt kind of nice to lay back on the couch while I typed. I knew I shouldn’t make a habit of it, though, because it would be too tempting to just sit back and watch TV. Yoongi had to leave before dinner to go to a schedule. I still wore the necklace he gave me every day...
On Sunday, I received a text from Namjoon. That, in and of itself, was not unusual, but the text was strange: “Are you busy? Can I call you when you’re not busy?”. I messaged him back to let him know to call me whenever. I jumped when me phone rang a few seconds later. {Is something wrong?}
I answered the phone, “Hey, Namjoon. Is everything ok?”
“Hey, y-yeah. Everything’s good...um...did you—ah, because I called you back so quickly. Right.” It sounded almost like Namjoon was talking to himself rather than me.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You sound a little anxious.”
“Huh? No. I mean, yes I’m sure. Everything’s fine.” {He’s acting a bit off...} “I was just wondering what you were doing—I mean if you’re going to be busy... in—on Saturday. In six weeks.”
“Oh, um. Let me check my schedule thingy. Give me a sec.”
“Of course, take your time.” He was being weird. I shrugged it off as I grabbed my planner out of my purse. Call me old fashioned, but I’ve always liked having something physical to write in or refer to. Even with books, I would prefer an actual book to an electronic book. I flipped to the correct week in my planner. That weekend was a free weekend in between some work weekends with Exo and then a private client.
“Luck’s on our side, as of now, I have it free. Did something come up?”
“Well, someone gave me these tickets to this opera. I only have two tickets and I know none of the boys would be interested...so... I was wondering if you’d like to go with me...”
“Of course! You know I love hanging with you and you guys have been so busy lately, we haven’t had time. And I do love operas.” I heard him quietly laugh. “Don’t laugh, meanie. Which one is it anyway?”
“Phantom of the Opera.”
“What? Seriously? Phantom of the Opera is in Korea?!”
“Um...yeah...”
I couldn’t help but squeal. “I love Phantom of the Opera. I’ve only ever been able to watch recordings. They’re either not in my country or the tickets get sold out instantly. How did you manage? Actually, never mind, it doesn’t matter. I can’t believe you got tickets. And you’re inviting me! You’re awesome Joon-ah. I love you forever!” I continued to fangirl for another few seconds.
“Glad you’re so excited, Athena.” Then he said something I couldn’t hear.
“Huh?”
“Nothing. I’m happy you said yes. I’ll text you the info later, ok?”
“Sounds good! Thanks again Namjoon.”
“Of course. Ok then, it’s a date. I’ll text you on my next break.”[
“Alright. Have fun, don’t push yourself too hard.” We both said our goodbyes and hung up. It’s a date? Dork. He’s been watching too many American movies}. I giggled. {I’m actually going to see the play. Finally!} I was super excited. {And I get to go with Namjoon. He’s probably the only one I know who, even though I’m sure opera isn’t his cup of tea, might actually enjoy going with me. It should be fun!} I immediately wrote it down in my planner.
Namjoon POV
I finally made a decision. Since just after I met Rose, I’ve been trying to figure out my feelings for her. Sometimes I think of her like a friend, and other times I get jealous when the guys are too close to her. And now I finally decided to make it a ‘do or die’ situation. I was going to ask her out. Of course, I wouldn’t say it like that. If I asked her out on a date, I thought it might make her feel uncomfortable, especially because I was pretty sure she still liked Yoongi. I had managed to pull some strings and get a couple tickets to one of the Phantom of the Opera showings. Rose had mentioned before that even though she enjoyed regular music like rock, Korean pop, and Korean hip hop and rap, that she also enjoyed classical music, piano recitals, and operas. Leave it to her to be a completely different woman than any I had ever met; though I guess it made sense given what I now knew of her background. I’d prefer to not wait for six weeks, when the show was, but that was the earliest showing and I couldn’t think of anything else we could do that wouldn’t seem like a date.
I unlocked my phone and brought up ‘Athena’ on my text messages. I typed in my message and let my thumb hover over the send button. I’m not sure how long I stayed like that while I continued to hold an internal debate. Finally, I screwed up my courage and pressed the send button. Waiting was nerve-wracking. I didn’t know if how long it would take for her to message me back. For all I knew, she could’ve been in the middle of something. {What if she doesn’t get my message until tonight? I shouldn’t just wait, right?} My thoughts were running wild until she texted me back not even a minute later, “I’m not busy, call me whenever.” I read her message and immediately pressed the call button. {Oh shit, I didn’t mean to do that. What if she—}
“Hey, Namjoon. Is everything ok?” Her voice sounded concerned.
“Hey, y-yeah. Everything’s good...um...did you—ah, because I called you back so quickly. Right.” I mentally face-palmed myself.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You sound a little anxious.”
“Huh? No. I mean, yes I’m sure. Everything’s fine.” I hope. “I was just wondering what you were doing—I mean if you’re going to be busy... in—on Saturday. In six weeks.” {Why am I so nervous? She really gonna suspect something if I keep this up}.
“Oh, um. Let me check my schedule thingy. Give me a sec.”
“Of course, take your time.” I heard rustling noises and then the sound of pages being turned. {Does she use a paper planner? That’s so...her. It’s cute}. I could hear the sound of her breathing as she flipped through pages. {She must be holding the phone up with her shoulder}.
After about 10 seconds, the turning sound stopped. “Luck’s on our side,” Rose said, “As of right now, I have it free. Did something come up?”
“Well, someone gave me these tickets to this opera. I only have two tickets and I know none of the boys would be interested...so... I was wondering if you’d like to go with me...” That sounded lame even to me.
“Of course! You know I love hanging with you and you guys have been so busy lately, we haven’t had time. And I do love operas.” {I knew that much at least}. I chuckled to myself. “Don’t laugh, meanie.” {Oops, she must’ve heard me}. “Which one is it anyway?”
“Phantom of the Opera.”
“What? Seriously? Phantom of the Opera is in Korea?!” She sounded even more excited than I thought she would.
“Um...yeah...”
Rose let out an adorable squeal. “I love Phantom of the Opera. I’ve only ever been able to watch recordings. They’re either not in my country or the tickets get sold out instantly. How did you manage? Actually, never mind, it doesn’t matter. I can’t believe you got tickets. And you’re inviting me! You’re awesome Joon-ah. I love you forever!” The last sentence made me freeze. I know she didn’t mean it like that, but it made me happy.
“Glad you’re so excited, Athena” was all I could think to say. “I hope you don’t find out what it really is,” I said under my breath.
“Huh?” {Shit}.
“Nothing. I’m happy you said yes. I’ll text you the info later, ok?” {Gotta get off now before I make another mistake}.
“Sounds good! Thanks again Namjoon.”
“Of course. Ok then, it’s a date.” {Oh shit, I can’t believe I said that out loud!} “I’ll text you on my next break,” I hurriedly tried to recover.
“Alright. Have fun, don’t push yourself too hard.” We said goodbye and hung up. I couldn’t help but smile to myself. And then I frowned. {I can’t believe I actually said ‘it’s a date’. She didn’t seem to react to it, so maybe she didn’t notice? Or maybe she just didn’t care? Or maybe she was okay with it being a date... No, that’s not it. That’s an American thing, isn’t it? To say ‘it’s a date’? Right. It probably didn’t even register with her}. I groaned and wiped my hands over my face in exasperation. But I couldn’t help the smile from slipping out. {It’s a date...}
Hoseok POV
Our break was over and I had gone to look for Namjoon to let him know. I didn’t know why he had decided to wander off. I had checked all the other practice and break rooms and was about to check the last one when I heard “Someone gave me these tickets to this opera. I only have two tickets and I know none of the boys would be interested...so... I was wondering if you’d like to go with me...”. {Who is Namjoon talking to? Who does he know that likes operas? And why is he laughing like that?} I tried wracking my brain thinking about all the celebrities he could be talking to. {It has to be a girl, right? Two guys don’t go to an opera together}.
I was still trying to think when I heard him say “Glad you’re excited, Athena”. {Who’s Athena? We don’t know anyone named Athena. Who...} then it hit me. I remembered the time when we all were trying to figure out who Namjoon had been texting months ago. {Athena...that was the name he given to Rose on his phone. It couldn’t be her, right?}
“It’s a date,” I heard him say. {He couldn’t be asking her out, could he? Everything Yoongi-hyung and I had discussed about not trying to steal her but not stepping aside either... Fair play, even field... and it was over already? Namjoon had asked her out...and she had said yes}. My back fell against the doorframe. My heart felt shattered. Namjoon... I couldn’t hate him, he was my brother... but right now...I really didn’t like him. I knew I shouldn’t feel like that. I knew I was a horrible person for thinking my thoughts. For wishing that he hadn’t met her. That he wasn’t the one making her happy. That I wished it was me. That I wanted to take her away from him...
I put my hands over my face and held my breath. {I can’t let myself cry. Yoongi and I promised that we would respect whatever noona had decided. It had given me a hint of hope. More than I had before when I was afraid of getting mixed up in all of it. But now I felt worse... I wasn’t the one. And neither was Yoongi-hyung. I can’t let him know yet. It’ll hurt him even more. He loves her more than even I do. I can’t believe it’s possible to fall in love with someone so quickly. And for it to hurt so much... Maybe it would’ve been better thinking that I didn’t have a chance at all...}
I headed back to the guys. I was supposed to tell Namjoon that break was over, but I didn’t think I’d be able to hide my emotions. I’d just tell them I couldn’t find him and let them figure out what to do.
Yoongi POV
Hoseok was taking a while to find Namjoon. Maybe Namjoon had fallen asleep somewhere again. And Hoseok probably got caught up in a conversation with someone else who was practicing. {That guy could strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere, at any time like he had known them forever. I kind of admired that about him. I could never be like that. But that’s what so great about our group. We all have our different personalities and strengths. We cover for each other’s weaknesses}. I was just thinking about sending one of the other guys to get the both of them when Hoseok walked back in. But there was something wrong. He looked more pale than he did just a few moments ago before he left. He wasn’t smiling and he looked lost in thought.
“Hope, are you okay?” I asked him worriedly. The other members looked up at him. Hoseok pasted on a smile.
“Yeah, just not feeling too hot right now, y’know?” Jin stood up and walked to him. He put the back of his hand on Hoseok’s forehead.
“You feel okay. Is it your stomach?”
“Don’t worry,” Hoseok said with his fake smile. He was good at faking smiles, but I could see those few times when they were forced. There was something wrong with him. “I’ll be fine.”
“Did you find hyung?” asked Taehyung as the young ones stood up.
“Ah, no, sorry. I checked, but I didn’t see him.” Right then, Namjoon walked in with a huge grin plastered on his face. His smiled disappeared when he saw the concerned looks on our faces.
“What’s wrong?” He asked looking at each of us.
“Hyung’s not feeling well,” Jungkook said, gesturing at Hoseok.
Namjoon immediately got into concerned mode. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?” Namjoon went to put his hand on Hoseok’s forehead. Hoseok brushed his hand away.
“I’m fine. I think I just got dehydrated. I’m gonna drink some more water before we start.” Hoseok walked back to his water bottle and started drinking.
“Hyung. Where were you?” Jungkook asked. “Hope-hyung said he couldn’t find you.”
“Ah. I was at the last room at the other end of the hallway.”
Hoseok walked back to us. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see any lights, so I thought it was empty. I didn’t even check, sorry.”
“No problem. I’m back, it’s all good,” Namjoon said joyfully, putting his arm around Hoseok’s shoulder. I saw Hoseok almost imperceptibly flinch at the contact. {Hoseok’s being really strange. I’ll have to ask him about it later}. After our talk last week, Hoseok and I weren’t as awkward with each other. Sure, we still liked the same girl, but I told him that everything should be fair. Of course, the selfish part of me didn’t want to have another competitor for Rose’s affections, but he was my brother before Rose was my crush. And that meant that I owed him more than just letting him feel guilty about liking someone (it’s not like he chose to like her and it wasn’t his fault that we liked her also) and feeling awkward whenever she was around me or Namjoon. Of course, it was still a little weird for us to both like the same person, but we were able to work around that. I didn’t think Namjoon knew about my feelings, and Hoseok said that he definitely didn’t know about Hoseok’s feelings, so we had decided to leave it at that.
We went back to practicing, but Hoseok kept having trouble. He was missing his cues, doing the wrong part, and just generally seemed to have trouble concentrating. After a half hour of Hoseok continuing to mess up and still looking under-the-weather, Namjoon decided to call it a day. The rest of us did our part well so he probably decided that, aside from Hoseok, we were as practiced as we could be. On the ride back, I sat in the middle row with Hoseok. The maknaes were being loud as usual in the back row. I tapped Hoseok’s leg. I mouthed “let’s talk” and after a moment of hesitation, he nodded his head in agreement.
We made it back to the dorm and the maknaes immediately jumped on the couch and started up the game console. Jin plopped down on the other couch, probably to rest for a bit before starting dinner. Namjoon wandered off to his room. I poked Hoseok and used my head to gesture towards our room. He nodded and we quietly went to our room. We sat down on our beds and I indicated for Hoseok to sit next to me. He still looked hesitant as he came over.
“Now...” I started. “Do you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” Hoseok opened his mouth and then closed it again, like he couldn’t find the words. “You can tell me whatever, you know that, right? And you’re not sick, but you look like it, so it must be something important...” I trailed off. Hoseok continued to stare at the floor. {I guess he doesn’t want to tell me after all}. I sighed and started to stand up.
“It’s Namjoon,” Hoseok spit out.
“What about Namjoon?” And Hoseok started to talk. Part of me wished that he would stop. That maybe if he didn’t say it, it would mean that it didn’t actually happen. By the end of his story, I understood why he looked like he did. I felt the same. I absently grabbed at my chest. It hurt really badly. I felt sick to my stomach. He turned to me and let out a sad smile.
“See why I didn’t want to tell you?” I nodded. I completely understood. It hurt a lot. {But, no. This isn’t the end. Sure he asked her out, but they hadn’t gone out yet. They weren’t dating yet. That means there’s a small chance}.
“We still have a chance.” Hoseok looked at me confused. I continued, my words speeding up. “He asked her out. She said yes. But they haven’t gone out yet, right? So there’s still a chance, right? And—and even if they do go on this date, it doesn’t mean that they’ll be dating. She could decide that it won’t work, or he could. Until they make it official, they’re not together, right?” I looked him in the eyes. “Right?” He could hear the desperation in my voice.
Hoseok smiled sadly. “Yeah, you’re right. But, for me...I don’t think I can think like that. Namjoon...he’s a genius. And noona is too. They get along really well. I don’t have a chance. And...I know she only thinks of me like her friend. You? I think you have a chance. I think she might like you too. But for me...I think I’ll always be just her friend. I think...I think that’s how it’ll be. And the sooner I can accept it, the sooner I can get past it. And stop hurting.” It hurt me to hear the pain in his voice. As much as I wanted to disagree with him, I think he was right in a couple aspects.
“Don’t look down on yourself like that. You’re a great guy and I know that if anyone could see it, it’d be Rose-noona.”
“Thanks, but at least the rest of it is true. You know she only thinks of me as a friend. I was fooling myself to think otherwise.” That was one thing Hoseok was right about.
“And they’re both at the same intellectual level...” I added, agreeing with him. I shook my head. “I...I respect your decision to step back, I don’t have any right to say otherwise. But for me...I don’t think I can. I think I’m too far past that. I think I have to go as far as I can. And if it turns out bad, well, at least I’ll have someone who understands.” We both let out small, sad laughs.
“True enough. But I’m not rooting for one over the other, that wouldn’t be fair. It’ll be hard, but I’ll try to be happy for whoever it is. If she’s happy, and if one of you is happy...I’ll to be happy. So, now that that’s out of the way...what’s the plan?”
*********
Hope you enjoyed the chapter. It's a little happy, a lot sad... This chapter seriously gave me the feels. Again.
Thank you all for reading my story and this chapter. I hope is was enjoyable. Thank you to everyone reading, liking, commenting, clipping, and following. Please don't hesitate to ask questions or comment. Constructive criticism is always welcome. Let me know if you would like to be tagged in future chapters. I hope you will continue to enjoy my story and I hope to see you next chapter!!!
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2 comments
so sad....
a year ago·Reply
@JaxomB the feels... They are too great...
a year ago
Aww, I hope that she will confess soon or else you will have to write me into the story and I'll confess for her! lol
a year ago·Reply
@Mavis2478 that would make for an interesting story arc, lol
a year ago
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