I will always love you, but I will always hate you. I need you.
I woke up to a cramp in my neck. I was on the floor and a hand in my face, it was Yoongi's hand. I stood up and stretched, getting light head. Yoongi was still out, I could hear his light snoring. I showered and got to cooking breakfast, I was hungry. I also made coffee, my drug. I can't go a day without drinking at least one cup of it. I heard shuffling noise, Yoongi was stirring. His eyes blinking open a couple of times before looking around and sitting up. He groan and grabbed his head as if it would fly off his shoulders.
"There's some water and aspirin, it should help a little with the hangover." I said pointing to the coffee table. He looked at me then the medicine. Slowly he moved for it and popped the pills in his mouth, chasing it down with water.
"Here, this will also help." I sat a bowl of hangover soup in front of him. He didn't say anything as he ate. It was once he was finished that he spoke.
"Why am I here?" I stared at him.
"Last night you were drunk and got yourself into some trouble. I brought you here because I couldn't find the keys to your house and since I live in the same neighborhood I thought it was best to bring you here instead of leaving you out in the cold." I drank my coffee. Yoongi stared at me like I grew another head.
"You shoulda just let me be." He said standing up, wincing. "I don't remember asking for your help."
This punk…it wouldn't hurt to say thanks or be a little nice….Brat.
"My bad, I can't help that I have a conscience." I sat my cup down. "If I hadn't helped you, you'd probably be in the hospital instead of here or worse…" I closed my arms. "Dead."
Did..did..he just tsk me?! Did he… Oh lord please give me strength to not kill this man here, right now.
"Next time you see me, leave me alone." He said grabbing his things.
"Haha! You-errrrgh." I gritted my teeth. " Would it kill you to say thanks, but next time no thanks? You can be a LITTLE nice." He huffed and glared at me.
Lord…I'mma about to sin...forgive me.
"Just cause we had sex once doesn't mean it gives you the right to tell me what I should say or do."
"Oh really now....." I walked to my door, swung it open then grabbed his arm and pulled him to the door. My blood was boiling.
"GO FUCK YOURSELF." I pushed him through my door and slammed it shut.
You little dick prickly son of a ass-whole! Go suck a monkeys ass! You rat! Gaaaahfutgitguherrrrr!!!!!!
I stomped into my kitchen and finished drinking my coffee, trying to calm myself.
I woke to the aroma of coffee. My head felt like it was being hit by a hammer. It throbbed and the light stung my eyes, making my headache worse. I felt sick, nausea. I had a hangover. Greeeaaat…. I looked around and realized I wasn't in my own home.
"There's some water and aspirin, it should help a little with the hangover." I was in her home, Jangmi's home. She pointed to the coffee table in front of me. I gratefully took the aspirin, anything to get rid of this feeling.
"Here, this will also help." Her hair was wet and I could smell roses off of her when she sat the bowl of hungover soup in front of me. I ate, the spiciness of the soup helping a little. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I cleaned the blow.
When I had finished I asked her what I was doing here and she told me that she found me drunk and getting beat. I had no memory, but it did explain why my body ached so much when I moved. The only thing I remembered was getting a call that day from Suzy.
She called me in tears. Her and her boyfriend had gotten into a different argument and he kicked her out of his house. She lived with him, so she had no where else to go. I remember having to go pick her up and bring her to my place. She cried and told me about the argument. Suzy felt like her boyfriend was possibly cheating on her. She started drinking and things went down from there.
She left my place and went back to her boyfriend, making up and I decided it was my turn to drink. I drink my loneliness away. I drink my anger away. Anger at myself and anger at Suzy and her ass of a boyfriend. I drink my pain of loving Suzy away.
I love Suzy, I hate Suzy, I need Suzy.
I've known Suzy for more then 5 years and I've loved her for that long. She was my friend and she never looked in my direction. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't ignore her, no matter how hard I tried, I always went to her when she needed me. Like an idiot I always crawled when she calls.
"You shoulda just let me be." I said standing up, wincing in pain. "I don't remember asking for your help." My left side hurt as I breathed. Jangmi's eyes got wider with confusion and irritation.
"My bad, I can't help that I have a conscience." She said . "If I hadn't helped you, you probably be in the hospital instead of here or worse…dead."
"Tss, next time you see me leave me alone. " I grabbed my jacket and cellphone, looking at it is saw 5 missed calls, all from Suzy.
"Haha! You-errrrgh.” She said through gritted teeth." Would it kill you to say thanks, but next time no thanks? You can be a LITTLE nice." I huffed. Why do I need to be nice? Ha.
"Just cause we had sex once doesn't mean it gives you the right to tell me what I should say or do.” I kind of regretted saying that. I saw the anger and pain flash across her face as if I had slapped her. I’m an idiot…What is wrong with me!?
"Oh really now....." She walked to my door, swung it open then stomped her way to me. I thought she was going to hit me, I was even prepared for a hit, instead she grabbed my arm and pulled me to the door.
"GO FUCK YOURSELF.” I was shoved through the door with force that made me stumble. I caught myself and turned to look at Jangmi. Her eyes went from anger to emptiness within seconds before she slammed the door shut, the walls shaking.
I punched the wall. I was anger at Jangmi for seeing me like this, anger at Suzy for making me go crazy, but mostly I was angry at myself. I had no control of myself. I left her place and went to the park that was in our neighborhood. My head still hurt, but the cool air helped relieve some of the pain. With my hands in my jacket pocket, I sat down on a swing, looking at my feet, looking at the sand. I started to have flash backs of last night. Jangmi really did help me, she put herself in danger, if those guys knew she had faked called 911, they probably would have gone after her. Damnit!
I grabbed at my hair, sighing. Why can’t I control my temper!? I looked up and I saw her, walking down the street in black workout skinny jeans and a dark green cardigan, her hands in her pockets. She was wearing black nerdy looking glasses and her hair was up in a ponytail. She looked very different from the first time I met her. I wondered where she was going. Probably work…wait … who’s that? A guy jogged up to her, waving. She slowed her steps to a stop, smiling and waving back. I saw them embrace each other, as they pulled apart they were smiling and laughing. Well, well, well…meeting up with another huh? Tsk, one just isn’t enough for ya huh… An annoying feeling formed deep in my chest, I suddenly felt irritated. They started walking together and I followed, staying a good distance behind them.
The guy had dark brown hair, his skin tone was tan and he seemed taller then me. Probably cheating… I bet he has insoles in his shoes… The walked into a book cafe and sat down after ordering, I stayed outside. They would have saw me if I had walked in right behind them. The guy went off in the direction of the restrooms and Jangmi pulled out her phone. That was my chance to sneak in and I did. I sat at a table that was semi hidden by a small book shelf, it was few tables behind from them. The guy came back, setting right in front of Jangmi. She flashes him a smile and they start talking. I couldn't make out what they were saying.
A girl approaches them, hugging the guy first then Jangmi. A friend?... She sits down with them and it seems as if they were catching up. This is silly….What am I doing? Come one Yoongi, what does it matter what Jangmi does... this is stupid. I decide to leave, I was just wasting my time.
I went home, showered and dress. I was just about to plop down on my couch when I heard a loud knock on my door. Urrrrgh.... I wonder who it was, I thought it was possible Suzy again, but I was so wrong. As I opened the door, Jang-mi pushed herself in. She stood in the center of my living room, arms crossed with a blank face.
"What the hell are you doing? Who asked you to come in?" I questioned. Seriously, who does she think she is barging in like it's her home.
"Why did you follow me?" I was at lose for words, when and how did she know? What do I say…?
"I didn't follow you, you're crazy..." I was trying to get myself out of this situation by lying, probably not the best.
"I saw you at the park, stupid, and I saw your reflection on the glass window of the cafe."She uncrossed her arm, putting them behind her back. "Plus, I saw you leaving."
I couldn't respond or more like I didn't know how. I closed my door and just stood there, silent.
"What's your deal?" Her question confused me.
"What do you mean?" This time I crossed my arms.
"First you flirt with me at the club, then you get pissed when I helped you, and now..." She said. "You follow me. Are you some kind of stalker? "
"Haha! Stalker, me? You're delusional. " What I was about to say next, I had no control over.
"At the club you looked easy, I was frustrated and need to de-stressed. I ,also, already told you that I didn't ask for your help and you shoulda left me there." Yoongi shut up, shut up!
"And I guess I was right, you are easy cause I see you have another man." What the fuck did I just say…Yoongi you're fucked up...
Jang-mi let her arms relax at her side. She didn't move, she didn't say a word, she just stared at me. Her eyes went empty again and for some reason that made me feel like shit. I felt scared and I didn't know why . I felt anger, but at myself once again. Why do I have to be such a dick to her? I wanted to apologize, but I knew it wouldn't make what I said any better.
Jangmi walked, slow pace, to the door where I was standing. I moved to the side slightly. She pause right next to me and I saw her press her lips into a tight thin line. It looked like she was about to say something, but nothing. Just like that she left and this time I slammed the door shut.
I throw myself onto my bed.
I left Yoongi's place, feeling numb. I had no idea what his problem was, but he was seriously starting to piss me off. I was really starting to regret ever meeting him, let alone have sleeping with him. I knew he had followed me, but I didn't want to say anything because I was with my friend, Sung Joon. We meet up every weekend with our other friend, EunBi. I've been friends with Sung Joon for over 8 years and EunBi, for 4 years. Those two have been with me through almost everything, we had no secrets between us. We all suffered together in the past and suffering now in the future.
I went home, where they waited for me.
"Where'd ya go Rose?" Sung Joon said my English name. Jangmi meant rose. He was laying down on my couch, watching a drama on my television. EunBi was in my kitchen getting something to drink.
"I just had to do something real quick. It's all good now though." I walked over to Sung Joon grabbing his legs and lifting them up so I could sit down. He looked at me curiously for a second before returning his attention back to the drama.
Hours past and Sung Joon fell asleep. EunBi was at my desk on my computer, no idea what she was doing on it. I grabbed a blanket and cover Joon. I didn't need him getting sick, too risky.
"Eonnie, what cha doing?" I asked as I walked up to her. She turned to me then glance at the couch where Sung Joon was asleep.
"Don't worry he's out like a light. " I assured her. Once Joon is out, nothing can wake him. Aliens could be having a party in this house and he wouldn't even stir.
"I'm looking for answers." She said with a grim face.
"How has he been? " She shook her head, looking down at the floor. Sung joon was ill and it seems like he is getting worse. He has Leukemia and his body won't accept any treatment.
Between me and EunBi, we try to make it less painless for Sung joon. We try to keep him out of depress and give him strength. His last visit to the doctors, he was told to start preparing, he had only a few months to live. the max is 6 months, the least is 1 month. Every chance we get we spend time with SungJoon, creating happy, good memories together. We share one camera, that we take pictures with. EunBi has it at the moment, taking pictures and videos of herself and life for Joon to see.
“Jangmi…” EunBi looked conflicted. “Do you think…you could…”
“NO.” I knew what she was asking of me, but there was no way I could do that. I couldn’t lie to myself and I couldn’t lie to Sung Joon.
“But, he likes you! and if you are able to be with him he might want to fight it!” I shook my head. Yes, I know Sung Joon was in love with me, but I wasn’t with him.
“If, and I say IF, I was to go out with him, do you know how miserable we both would be? He would know that I don’t feel the same. I won’t be able to return his feelings EunBi.” I walked into my room, out of Sung Joon earshot, just in case he woke.
“Is it cause of ‘him’?” She whispered, looking at the floor again while rubbing her left arm. She was rubbing were she was once stabbed by a crazy ex.
“Not just him, everything, the past…I’m too toxic for him, bonnie…I don’t wish to poison him…” Both me and EunBi met through a strange way, by fate.
Along time ago I had an ex who was violent, abusive verbally, mentally, and emotionally. He would cheat on me, hit me, lock me up, and rape me. Turns out that crazy ex of mine was also EunBi’s and he was with her doing the same thing at the same time he was with me. We helped each other out, we helped each other escape that monster’s hands. It’s something we no longer talk about, and try not to think about. The day I left that bastard was the day I officially lost all hope to be forgiven by God. I had stained myself to the point of no return. I will never be granted accesses to peace when I die, but I don’t regret it. As long as EunBi can have peace in the afterlife, that was enough for me.
Every night I have nightmares of my past and I’m sure EunBi too. She looked at me with understand and let the subject go. I went to check up on Sung Joon, still sound asleep. I checked his breathing and his temperature, all good. I relaxed and went back to my room.
“I’ll try to talk to him, to make him reconsider going ok?” I told EunBi.
There is a hospital just for cancer patience up north, in Seoul. EunBi thinks if he goes he might have a chance to survive, they might find a treatment for him. SungJoon on the other hand is just tried of all the pain and just wants to live whatever life he has left, being happy. I, I don’t know what I think…I’m on both sides.
“Well, Im going to get some air and go to the convenience store, if you need me call me.” There was to much on my mind and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My anxiety was getting to me just remembering the past and thinking of the time left I have with Sung Joon.
"OK, be careful." EunBi said as I walked out the door. I gave her a smile. EunBi and Sung Joon were spending the night at my place this time. Last weekend it was at his place. Next weekend will be EunBi's place.
Time flies by fast when you are not thinking about it. The sky was turning orange stained with purple, red, and pink. I found it pretty and took a picture of it with my phone. Though it was chilly outside it helped me breathe. I could feel the air filling up my lungs and leaving as I exhaled.
At the convenience store I got some flavored milk and sweets. I loved the melon flavor one. As I was paying, I looked out the window and behold, I saw Yoongi and this time he was with a girl. She was very pretty and mature looking. The girl had long dark brown hair with curls at the end, her lips painted red and she was wearing a long sleeve button up blouse, with black leather skinny jeans. I took a sip of my milk and waited inside the store, just watching the scene unfold before me. Yoongi eyes were low, he didn’t look at the girl , he looked pained to me. The girl’s eyes were red, puff and watery. She hugged him, but he did not hug her and the girl realized that. She pulled away and looked at him confused at first then her features relaxed. She grabbed his hand, locking her fingers with his and pulled him away, lead him.
Now, I wasnt’ following, I just lived in the direction they were going. I stayed a good distance behind them, drinking my milk and not hiding. I realized they were going back to Yoongi’s place. Oh wow…nice dude, nice…You judge me, but look at you. Now either, they just now notice someone was behind them or I was getting to close and they could hear the plastic bag had make noise. The both glance behind them and Yoongi froze in the spot, brows knitted together when he saw me. I continued walking and sipping my drink. I smiled and bowed at both of them, the girl repeated my action, but Yoongi did something completely different and unexpected. As I passed them, Yoongi grabbed my wrist, almost making me drop the things I bought.
“Whoa!” “If my sweets are crushed you’re going to have to buy me more, you know that right?” I said as I tried to pull my hand away, he said nothing.
“ Yoongi?” the girl looked baffled, uncertain. I was getting a little a uncomfortable.
“Can you let go please?” He looked me straight in the eyes.
I swore I saw the words help, it hurts, take the pain away, in his eyes. I felt panicky again only this time about trying to figure out what to do. If I help him, he might get pissy again, if I don’t help I’ll feel bad… I decided to this time ignore my little angel on my shoulder. I pushed his hand down and waved goodbye.
“Yoongi, who’s that?” I heard the girl say behind me.
Yoongi never replied and I never looked back.
The picture Jangmi took of the sunset.
Hope you like and enjoy it. Sorry I'm taking forever on my stories, I just have so much on my plate. Well, I'm off to work now.
Tell me your thoughts please! ^^
Hope you have a great weekend!
(Not mine, credit to owner)
P.S. sorry for any grammar and spelling errors, I tried my best.
A small Taste of Ch. 3
Why was she there, why did she see, why didn’t she help me.
I want to forget this pain in my heart, I wish to say no, I wish to leave this toxic relationship with her.
I wanted to go back to that night I first saw a beautiful rose, to the night I spent with her.
I wish to forget like I did that night.
Don’t leave me, take me.
I want to taint you, I want to pluck your beautiful petals, I want you to wither like my heart.
TAGS: My Pack
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