nmdarts
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Dear Significant Other,
I am an open book written in a language i barely understand so sometimes i seem distant. Quite distant. It is not something i try to be but i have no excuse for it either. I don't like it. It's hard for me to feel certain things, i don't want to let myself feel certain things.
Like need. I don't like dependency; the idea of me depending on you frightens me and i'm not just talking about financially. I mean physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't want to put you at such tricky roads because even though you may succeed, you may also fail. I don't want any failure to affect our relationship negatively so i'm trying to learn how to work through failure(even just as a possibility) instead of fleeing without giving it a shot.
I want to trust you with all i have. All my tendencies. I am afraid you'll leave after seeing all of me. I am afraid of needing you. This is not me having "abandonment issues". this is me trying to overcome whatever it is in me that is stopping me from giving my all to a relationship.
I gave what i felt was my all to my first relationship and it ended. I think I've let that go but i'm not sure. I've been asking myself why i wasn't good enough for quite some time. Adequacy is one of my problems. Love should not hold back so i'm learning not to so that when i say "i love you!" i mean it. I want to mean it.
My chest hurts. I feel this way when my emotions want to jump out of my body. When all i really need to do is scream then break down and cry. But i'm so used to blocking it out that i just sit there, writing. Writing until a few tears run down my cheek. But the burning in my chest increases as i write faster. The idea of you not loving me back terrifies me. Makes me wonder if i should even try...
Love yours,
N.M.D
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