Once again, I was put into an awkward position. This time though, it wasnt simply awkward, I felt broken, lost, completely and utterly confused by everything I was going through. More than anything, I wished that things werent as they were. Even that I hadnt gone to the EXO concert, hadnt had the opportunity to meet them at the fan meeting, hadnt met Jongin. Hadnt locked eyes with him, in a storybook moment of complete and utter mind-clearing focus. Id been a fan of EXO since theyd debuted, but now… years later, I was still here, watching them following their dreams. I was proud, in a weird, eomma sort of way. I was glad I could be there for them, there in the sea of faces. Itd been on a whim that Id entered the contest for the opportunity to meet them. I had been surprised when Id heard that Id won. Finally, perhaps, I would be at the very least a more specific face in a lifetime of fans. Walking into the room before the show started, I couldnt focus on anything. I scolded myself mentally, telling myself it wasnt worth being silly over. There was no way any of them would take any sort of an interest, so I should simply enjoy the time I had. Taking a breath, I calmed myself, stepping forward, bowing slightly in respect as I made my way down the line, complimenting them and thanking them quietly, smiling. Standing in front of him was somehow another type of experience all together. I looked up after bowing and his eyes met mine. Hed been watching me, and he stuttered as he spoke. I could feel the blush rising in my cheeks, and I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. My eyes widened and I blushed further, dipping my head, I took another breath, trying to calm myself as I tried to speak again. This time, my voice was there, but quiet. I thanked him for his patience, and lifted my head to speak to him again. The smile on his face showed his amusement, but something else. A tenderness I hadnt expected to see. I blinked, smiling in return, and he reached out, taking my hand. I couldnt help but look down, staring at our hands, as he pulled my hand to his lips, kissing it gently. He thanked me for coming quietly, telling me to always think of him. I nodded in response, my blush as bright as ever. I moved along, but I felt sorry for members I met after I met him, his charming smile kept distracting me, I watched him with other girls, his eyes kept straying, and as I stood in front of Minseok, our eyes met. His eyes lit up like a kid who got his first bike at Christmas. I lost my breath, and nearly tripped as I stepped along in line. I gasped slightly and caught myself on the table, blush returning. As I steadied myself, I couldnt help but take a peek to see if hed noticed, and to my surprise, hed been standing, one hand out towards me. His motion had caused the other members to look down the table towards where I was still holding onto the table. Girls were muttering to each other and I bowed, apologizing as I turned, walking carefully through the rest of the meet-up, pointedly avoiding looking down the table towards him. Id been a fool to think that I could keep my cool through everything. As I left, I shook my head slightly, but couldnt help but take one look back at the table of singers. I was left, mouth agape, as my eyes met his once again. It was as though hed been watching me since I stumbled. My eyes widened, and I turned quickly, my blush racing back up my neck, flooding onto my cheeks. Something with him was different, it was as though any connection Id had to any of the other members didnt matter. Hell, even meeting my bias felt like it meant nothing. Id been happy about it, but the way my heart raced like I was running a marathon was more than I could handle. I shook my head again, heading instead to the parking lot, sitting on the curb, taking a few deep breaths of fresh air. I could hear a few girls talking about how Id tripped, they quietly wondered if Id done it on purpose. I nearly told them off, but decided better of it, ignoring them instead, standing to make my way to the other side of the venue. I stood nearer to the front of the audience than Id expected, checking my ticket as I walked forward towards the stage on the floor. Id known my seats were good, but when I finally got to my destination, I was seated directly next to the catwalk. As I blinked up at the stage, I took a deep breath, shivering slightly. I was excited to be here, and nothing was going to ruin it. The concert passed in a flurry of amazing musical numbers and too much sexy dancing for my brain to fully process. I thoroughly enjoyed being in the crowd, feeling a part of the crowd as a whole, a belonging unlike any other. Id met his eyes once, and hed smiled, and I thought the sun had risen in front of my eyes. I couldnt help the immediate smile that appeared on my face as I shook my head a little, the screams of the girls around me, causing me to wince slightly. His grin got bigger, and he turned, escaping back up the catwalk, and I couldnt help but enjoy the view as he turned. Itd been an amazing show, but when it was over, that was all there was to it. Id hummed softly as I waited to leave, knowing there was no point in hurrying as Id just be stuck in traffic when I left. What I hadnt expected was to be approached by a member of the tour staff, a note passed to me in quiet, a silent warning attached by the look on their face, a look that meant to tell no one about what I was receiving. Inside that note was the start of a new part of my life. One that now included Kai. It was a confusing, messed up life, where I was consistently worried about whether someone was watching where I was going, and I was always careful when I sent messages, or accepted calls. Meeting up in complete privacy, loving the time we spent together, but knowing it was all too short. It was months of clandestine meetings in dark corners of silent restaurants, with seemingly every conversation cut short because the manager was worried about one thing or another. It was love, at the time it was enough, but it wasnt long before it turned into cause for fear. There had been one night, it had been so late wed thought itd be alright, but it wasnt. In the end it was that assumption that cost us everything. Wed gone running through the grass in the park, shoes off, laughing together, feeling the most free we had in months. As we fell down into the grass together, I heard a click. I shook my head slightly, closing my eyes, worrying too much for my own good. When Kai leaned over me, leaning down to kiss me gently, I heard another and my heart dropped. Wed been so careful, so many times, why now. We were happy, but I suppose, wed been naïve, to think we could keep this a secret. Instead of a news calamity as wed expected, it was worse. The fans revolted, my apartment broken into, vandalized, and Id been attacked as I left work one evening. I never knew who did it, and I couldnt figure out how they knew. It was a circus of never-ending worry, watching over my shoulder and that was only my problems. Jongins were worse, if possible. The hate posted on fan pages, and on his social media was rude and hurtful, and each night I watched him cry via skype before he fell asleep. He didnt deserve to be broken this way. He only ever tried his best. I made arrangements, took the cab, to this point, where I stood, knowing he was standing there behind me, his eyes pleading with me. I couldnt do it. I knew if I faced him Id be left with no choice but to stay. Instead I took the steps forward, tears now running down my face, handing the one-way ticket to the stewardess standing at the boarding dock. Dont go. His voice was closer and more broken than Id expected it to be. I shut my eyes, shaking my head slightly as I stepped away from him. I have to.
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