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Let's get personal

I just finished watching these two episodes of 2 Days 1 Night and the lectures (lectures for the first video start at about 55 minutes) that the members gave really got me thinking. As I was listening/watching to Dong Gu's lecture I realized how much what he was talking about applied to myself. Many people around my age are still clueless about what they want to major in, which in turn means that they're still unsure about what career they want to pursue. There are some people out there who are lucky enough to have a dream as well as the courage to pursue it. There are also people out there who are still trying to figure out exactly what they want to do with their life. Then you have people like me: those who don't have a dream. It may seem sort of sad and pathetic, but for me, it's simply how I live.
As a child, I had the same dreams as any other kid. I wanted to be an astronaut, a pro golfer, president, a rock star, an actress; however, every dream I had kept getting torn apart by the things I was told by the people around me. Eventually, I became a rather cold hearted person due to a combination of my low self esteem and other factors, though I do try to hide this side of me from people. Depression. That's what I have been dealing with for at least the past eight years. It was gradual and I didn't even notice that it was creeping up on me until my sophomore year of high school. That was when I began losing my motivation to live. I'm much too cowardly to have taken my own life, but I had (still do tbh) frequent thoughts about it. My heart beats, but does that really mean that I'm living?
Having no aspiration to do something greater with my life meant that I was completely satisfied with going through the motions of living. Eat, sleep, go to school, fake a smile, go to practice, lie about my day, repeat. That was how I lived every day. To be honest, I've never really told anyone that I know in person about the things that I struggle with. I've told my brother a little bit about how I have no dream because he started the conversation and it happened to be a day when I was really down and lowkey wanted to talk to someone, but I made him promise not to tell anyone else.
Back to the reason why I decided to make this card in the first place. The lectures, especially Taehyun and Dong Gu's, really resonated in me. It was only very recently that I decided that I should at least try to live a more "fulfilling" life and his speech about being lost really hit home.