Who: Reader x Woo Jiho
What: Semi-angst, Semi-smut. (I honestly don't know how to place this)
For those of you that haven't read Rappers Intent this is the second part of that story. I have decided to make a second part it may become a trilogy I don't even know.
Story: At your three year mark as a group, NTERNational has come a long way since that performance after your brother's death. You and Zico have been dating almost a full year but stress has overcome you in a much different way. No one seems to know what's wrong with you not even your best friend Jihoon. With another mini album coming out and you working on your solo mixtape, the pressure becomes harder to handle and your relationship with Zico wavers...
You were dripping with sweat.
At this point all the boys knew, when you worked over time in the practice room you weren't to be messed with. You had something on your mind for the past few months. No, not really on your mind it was something you were feeling but you didn't want to tell the guys. You didn't want them to worry about you; it had already been a year since Yoojung passed away and since then, despite being happy with Zico, you were battling an inner depression. There were days you just didn't want to get out of bed and deal with the world and you didn't know why. You didn't want to see the boys and you didn't know why. You didn't want to talk to Haneul or Jihoon, you didn't want to go out with Zico and you didn't want to work. You didn't want to dance and you didn't want to make music. Something had felt so wrong with you. You were happy one minute and then some how you were completely falling apart under pressure as NTERNationl's leader. You just felt damaged at one point and then as the weeks flew by you felt broken. There was so much going on, so much you had to be, so much to get done. The idol image was cracking you, threatening to shatter you. You loved being an idol though, you loved performing so you didn't know why you felt like this. You didn't know why you were feeling like this right when you had achieved the biggest goal you were working so hard to do. NTERNational was huge now, on the level of BTS and GOT7, you felt like as a group you stood out for each of your individual talents and your unique style but slowly you began to feel like you weren't you any more. You were what the company wanted you to be. You were a leader, a rapper, an idol. Slowly but surely your identity slipped away. You had become someone you didn't even recognize any more and that made everything so hard because you weren't Y/N anymore. You were fighting to get her back, the real you but you had no idea where you were going. It just felt more like you were losing yourself.
Then there was everything that happened with Zico earlier today.
You pushed him into the wall,
"Get off of me I hate you!" you screamed in the hallway of the dorm.
"What are you upset at me for, you kiss your band mates all the time and the second I have to kiss a girl for drama your lose your mind?" Zico said upset.
You walked away from him but he grabbed your arm and turned you back around to look at him. You tried to pry his hand off of you while you told him to get off. He grabbed your other hand to stop you from trying to get away.
"You didn't tell me it was for a drama Jiho all you had to do was tell me instead of openly kissing her at some park. You're telling me that doesn't look like a damn date? You didn't even tell me you were hanging out with her. Get off of me!" You yelled upset.
"No would you just listen for a second damn it? Why are you acting like this? You've been out of it and weird for the past few weeks now."
He didn't even notice the change in you from months before, only a few weeks. That made you feel smaller.
"Get off of me Jiho I mean it." you said pissed.
"Are you really this angry at me? You kiss your members and every other guy you meet all the time and I do one thing?" he said.
He stopped when you yanked yourself out of his grasp,
"No, that is completely different. I do not kiss those men or the boys on the lips I may joke around but I have never done that. You knew I hung out with mainly men when we started going out. You know I don't like women, I don't get along with them well. You knew I was more comfortable around men, you knew all of this damn stuff. I have stopped doing so many things I normally did with Jihoon out of respect for you and you couldn't give me one damn phone call?" you said.
"It shouldn't be that big of a problem what I do is for work, what you do is for shits and giggles. How do you think that makes me feel when you're kissing your band members and one of them admitted his feelings for you a year ago."
You looked at him upset, you raked your hands through your hair frustrated,
"You know what, if you can't handle it then maybe this was a mistake." you said.
You were going to go to your room before to get away from him but decided to go to the practice room to blow off some steam. You headed for the door while Zico called after you,
"Wait Y/N what are you saying?"
"I'm finished with this Jiho."
"Y/N come back, what are you talking about, are you breaking up with me?" he asked.
"Goodbye Jiho." you said blowing him off and brushing off his question like he hand't even asked it.
You were too upset to stay so you walked out of the house before clarifying whether or not you meant that as a break up or not. Honestly you weren't even sure if that's what you wanted but maybe that's what you two needed. Some time off from each other. He was your mentor for a while but too much was going on in your mind to really be dating at the moment. You didn't want to leave him though. Setting aside the fact that Zico was your mentor, he was your first love, he was your first man and he pushed you through when you were having a hard time dealing with Yoojung's death.
The music in the room continued to play while you stretched, you were getting a bit sore. You had taken too much time off from dancing and that was making you sloppy. The guys had called you multiple times trying to figure out what was the matter with you but when you promptly told them to stop interrupting your practice session their calls had stopped. Jihoon could sense how tense you were, he knew something was wrong with you especially because you hadn't come to talk to him about what was going on. You were avoiding most of the guys the best you could. When they went out, you stayed home and worked in the studio or laid in bed doing absolutely nothing because you didn't feel like it was worth getting out of bed. You hadn't become lazy but there was a spark in you that was dying out. You were lost.
The door opened to the practice room and Zico entered alone. He closed and locked the door behind him. You looked at him for a second to say,
"Not until we talk." he said.
"I don't want to talk I want to practice." you said.
"Take a break." he retorted.
"I don't want to talk to you Zico, go away."
"Damn it Y/N." he said frustrated.
He made his way over to you and stopped right in front of you. His hands met your waist and your hand met his wrists and pried him off of you. You looked at him with an annoyed face.
"What the hell is going on with you? You didn't even answer my question back there Y/N, did you break up with me baby?" Zico asked.
You stared at him annoyed then you finally sighed and said,
"No. Happy now?"
"No because I still don't know what the hell going on with you."
"It's nothing you can fix Jiho so just leave it alone." You said.
You brushed past him to get to your phone and you searched through your play list. Superfly from 24k, that was a fun song to dance too maybe you could work up your spirits by dancing to this song. Zico sighed frustrated and you could see his feet even though you were looking down. He was tapping his foot impatiently you looked up at him annoyed,
"What?" you asked upset.
"If you're that upset at me for kissing her then I'm sorry Y/N."
"You're only apologizing to pacify the situation. Don't apologize if you don't mean it, it's half assed actions like that, that are starting to annoy me." You shot back upset.
You pressed the play button and walked over to your spot to dance but Zico had other things in mind. He grabbed you and pushed you against the mirror, the coolness of it sparking a sigh that almost sounded like a moan to escape your lips. Zico crashed his lips against yours and his hands wrapped around your waist. You instinctively brought your arms around his neck and he kissed you deeper. He pulled away for a moment, looking at your slightly swollen lips and then at your eyes.
"What's happened to you? Have I really made you this upset or is there something you're not telling me." he asked.
"Forget about it Jiho, I don't want to talk about it." You said looking away from him.
He sighed and pulled away from you, you fixed your shirt and went back to your phone. You grabbed it and walked out of the room closing it behind you. Zico probably didn't know what to do for you, which is why he left you alone. At the very least, he knew something was wrong with you so you gave him credit for that but other than that you just wanted to be alone. You found yourself driving to a hill, the drop below it was enough to kill a man if they fell. There was a tree not to far from the edge that you leaned up against for a moment...
You sat on the edge of the hill looking down at it,
"Y/N-ah! What do you think you're doing little sis?" Yoojung said.
"Why are you even here Yoo? I thought I had reached my moment of clarity." you said.
"Yeah but I was always your favorite brother. When Jihoon wasn't around to talk to, you always came to me, which wasn't often because you were always with Jihoon. Anyway, you apparently needed me or rather you want my help it's just the real me that's gone."
"So your ghost remains."
"Ghosts don't exist baby sis, remember I told you that before, when Eun told you that scary story."
"Then what are you?"
"I'm a manifestation of your conscious, you can't bring yourself to talk to Jihoon or Haneul and you won't tell your boyfriend what's going on with you so here I am. From the looks of it I'm here to convince you not to jump." He said looking over the edge.
He smiled at you and sat down next to you. He seemed real but in reality you had probably leaned back against the tree after looking over the edge and you were now asleep. If you happened to leap you were almost positive you'd just wake up but it wasn't a theory you were trying to test just yet. He kicked his feet and looked out at the city below you two.
"So what's this all about Y/N? You think if you jump right here, right now that you'll find your way?" he said.
"I don't know."
"You have so much to live for what are you depressed about? You say no one sees you but you have five men that are worried about you, you have millions of fans screaming your name, your making music, a dream of yours you started with your best friend. What are you upset about?"
"It's too much Yoo." you snapped at the vision.
You raked your hand through your hair and sighed, tears had rolled down your face as you looked down at the street below.
"I'm not being ungrateful but I just don't even know who I am anymore. You're right I have so much to live for but everything seemed to have changed so quickly that I don't know what to do any more."
"What do you mean?"
"I feel like I'm falling, I feel like I'm trapped, I feel lost. I feel all of these things at the same time. I don't know who I am anymore. Outside of being an idol, a leader and a girlfriend I was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be Y/N but I'm not anymore. I'm Tiger the rapper girlfriend of Zico. I'm Tiger the leader of NTERNational. I'm Tiger the best friend of G.O. I'm not Y/N, I don't even know who she is anymore. I still have assholes on my back because I'm dating Zico, everything in my world is just jumbling up. If you were really here Yoojung maybe I could talk to you about it. You would help me fix it but each day I feel more and more alone even when I'm surrounded by people."
"So your answer is to jump off a cliff?" He asked you clearly questioning you logic.
That was something you knew Yoojung would do. He'd give you this look like your reasoning was incredibly ridiculous. He was right or rather you knew you shouldn't even attempt the jump but you didn't know what to do.
"So what do you suggest?" you said.
"I'd say go back to the drawing board."
"What do you mean?"
"Well think about how the police track down criminals. They start from the beginning and they make connections. You've lost your identity and your sense of self in the world around you. So start from beginning and follow the trail. The more connections you make the closer you'll get to finding...well, you."
You looked down for a second and then back up. Yoojung was gone. You looked around and stood up.
Your eyes opened and you looked from side to side, you had fallen asleep against the tree and all of that had been just a dream. You stood up now back in reality and grabbed the notebook out of your car. You looked at it for a moment and read through all your scribbled rap lines, not just for the parts written in your songs with NTERNational but also your individual work. The songs you worked on with your collab mixtape with Haneul was written in there. You had to prepare for your solo mixtape to be released. You had always said you didn't want to be a cookie cutter rapper. You didn't want to be CL even if you loved her, you didn't want to be Hwasa from Mamamoo, you didn't want to be any other female rapper but who you were. Now it seemed like you didn't even want to be Tiger. The truth of it all was that you had trouble finding the line that separated your from your idol persona and who you really were and that's what you were looking for. You were trying to find the balance, the way to get back the real you so you could switch back and forth between the two people.
I've been walking on a fine line,
I'm closer to the end of it.
They want me to be a perfect size
the perfect girl, act like a lady they said.
Well fuck that, I don't give a shit about your social norms
If I want eat junk food at 3:00 am I will
If I want to wear jeans and hang out with boys I will.
You just want me to be something else
but I just want to be me.
All this time I've been trying to please the world
and now my hell is getting to me.
In my own mind, I'm screaming
I want to die, I want to die
In my own heart I'm bleeding
Living a lie, living a lie.
How come you can't see me?
Answer me! Answer me!
What do I do when everyone just wants a piece of me
'she's not enough' 'her thighs are too big.'
This shit's getting rough.
When I die make it open casket
so everyone can see all the cuts they gave me.
wounds and scars of how much it hurt me
when I just wanted to be loved.
Fighting for approval when I should've just gave up.
I don't need to be you I just need to me.
My life is my life, my life is my choice
Can you give me privacy?
I was killing these rappers
They said I was on a massacre
I was coming for their heads then
They claimed it was disrespect.
You just don't understand it.
A woman in a field dominated by men
I had to come hard or I wouldn't survive
Queen of the jungle
I don't hide behind lies
but yet I'm caught behind hide camera's with smiles
when I'm just crying inside.
Your hand wrote quickly making spelling errors and missing some parts but you were writing out how you felt on the paper. You had no time to stop and make sure you had everything looking pretty. You could get it all out in a moment but you had tears running down your face when you had finished writing. Your phone started ringing and you answered it trying your best not to sound like you were crying.
"Y/N where are you?"
It was your manager.
"Why what's going on?" you asked skipping past the question.
"I need you down at the studio now."
"Is something wrong?" you asked.
"No but there's someone here that wants to meet you. We have some business to discuss." He said.
You told him you'd be there soon and he thanked you before you hung up the phone. He said nothing was wrong but his tone of voice made it seem like he was upset with you. Then again it was Mr.Kim, any time he talked to you guys he sounded upset. You arrived back at the studio and you saw Zico outside with B-Bomb and Mino. You walked up to the door and Mino saw you and stopped you by it,
"Hi Y/N!" he said.
You waved at him with a half smile,
"Y/N." Zico called to you.
He came over and wrapped his arm around your neck, he kissed your cheek softly. Then whispered in your ear,
"Have you been crying?" he asked.
You just shook your head no but by now he probably knew how to tell the signs of you crying. The days when you used to sneak away and just cry by yourself when even the slightest of things reminded you of Yoojung had trained him to know what you looked like when you cried.
"Hey Y/N you better get inside, Mr.Kim really needs you." B-Bomb said.
"Mh." You hummed.
You brushed Zico off of you and walked into the building. Zico followed behind you though leaving his two friends behind. You walked down the hallway to the recording room you all normally used. You opened the door to see Mr. Kim talking to none other than Jay Park. Your eyebrows raised as you looked at him curiously.
"Jay, what are you doing here?" you asked.
He stood up with a smile and held out his hand to you, you took it, shaking it as he said,
"I came here to ask a favor." he said.
Jay's eyes shifted to Zico who was standing behind you but when Jay hadn't let go of your hand fast enough Zico walked up beside you and wrapped his hand around your waist. He always made it very clear that you were his girlfriend since your relationship was made public, especially around Haneul. That had sparked some bad blood between you two just recently. He'd finally expressed how annoying it was to see Zico put his hands all over you in front of him when he already knew you had chosen to be with him. He didn't need him rubbing it in. You tried to tell him you didn't think he was rubbing it in he was just trying to make sure that Haneul knew not to try anything. That had insulted him even further so you two had been tense around each other. You liked the possessive nature of Zico though. You liked how everyone knew you were his girl but you were upset at him for not telling you about him practicing with that girl in the park. It was so out in the open where anyone could see, it looked like a date to you. Zico and you hadn't been on a date in a while because you two were working. You mainly saw each other when he came by your dorm, you came by his dorm or if you were at the studio. Most of the days they spent filming or going on variety shows or fan meetings you two hadn't spoken much. If you hadn't seen each other that day he would video chat you just to say hi and he missed you then he'd tell you he loved you and he'd wish you a good night. Depending on how late it was and how tired you were, he'd keep those calls brief.
"What's the favor?" you asked.
Your eyes shifted to Mr.Kim who was standing beside Jay.
"I'm shooting a music video soon with Ugly Duck and Okasain. I wanted you to be in the video with us." he said.
You looked at him strangely,
"Sure I can do that I guess, right Mr.Kim?" you asked your manager.
"You'll be fine for the three days he asked for you but after that your schedule gets really booked so I told him he had to ask you. He needs a quick answer though. Are you sure you want to do it?" He asked you.
"Yeah it's fine I don't care. Why did you choose me though?" You asked turning your attention back to Jay.
"It was something you said on that variety show. I'm sure you'll figure it out. Anyway I brought the song so that you can here it and I was going to discuss the music video with you so that you know what you're there for okay?" Jay said.
Jay walked over to your side and placed his hand at the top of your back and walked you over to the table in the room. He had freed you from Zico's hands and it seemed that Zico was slightly agitated by the fact that Jay had touched you so casually. You didn't really see a problem with it but you knew he would. He walked over to you and leaned down to whisper in your ear,
"I love you baby girl. Stop by the dorm tonight."
You simply nodded looking at Jay.
"Can I get a kiss?" he said.
You lightly sighed and looked over at him and he pecked your lips once, then twice. He stopped and looked at you as if he were wondering if that were enough for him. He seemed to have decided that it wasn't and he pressed his lips to yours and kissed you deeper for a few seconds before he pulled away. He kissed your cheek again before he walked out of the room. Jay laughed,
"Me and Zico get along pretty well but I've never seen him get that territorial over a girl. He must really like you."
"Yeah." you stated plainly.
"You like him too don't you?" he mused.
"Yeah I do, he just pissed me off a little today so I'm not too lovey dovey with him." you said.
Jay just laughed,
"Well then I'll keep my nose out of it. Let me just explain this concept."
As Jay explained the music video, the conversation from your dream had come back to you. Go back to the drawing board, as in go back to the beginning. Did that mean you really shouldn't be with Zico right now? Were you supposed to disconnect yourself from the guys? What were you supposed to do? The other thought that came to mind was: will Zico try to talk to you about everything that was going on with you or would he only focus on his possession of you.
Don't worry Chen is still getting his second story. I'll have to drop the alternate ending to Internal affairs after Through paper-glass windows. I'll also release Chen's full length story. I mainly did a second part to Rappers Intent because I wasn't completely satisfied with how I ended the first half so I hope you enjoyed this and let me know if you want to be tagged or untagged below. Thanks for reading! ~Babydollbre