“I Lost Fear of Losing What I Never Wanted to Lose Forever” by Lumina H.
“I Lost Fear of Losing What I Never Wanted to Lose Forever” by Lumina H.
Once upon a time, in my worst nightmare
I screamed in the middle of the night “Don’t Leave Me!”
Fear of being abandoned
Fear of being rejected
Fear of being replaced
Horror strikes like lightning
Blitz, Blitz, Blitz
Every thunder of anxiety electrocuted me
I’ve been punched, kicked and screamed at
I know all too well how it feels to be treated like dirt
I’ve been to hell and back, both inside and outside my head.
So what I feared most in this world
Was you, of you turning your back on me
Never to return, ever.
Fear brought anxiety, pain, worry, stress, anger, fury, insomnia and finally tears
Buckets, trucks, pools of tears
Gradually my tears filled up a swimming pool
And in my swimming pool of tears
I drowned myself
And I needed a CPR
But no one came…
The water was still trapped in my lungs
And I forgot how to breath, how to live
I was dying
I had seconds to live
Could I live again?
Could anyone give me new life?
Could anyone revive me?
Somebody… Anybody… Please help me…
In my desperate need, I pleaded, prayed and hoped
And then, right then
Someone did come to my rescue
But He wasn’t you
He was unexpected
While you left me drowning
He came with a thousand letters of love and care
I didn’t know Him
He was a stranger to me
But to him, I was no stranger
He had been waiting for me all along
He watched me dive into the ocean of tears
He watched me as I sunk deeper into the sea of sorrow
He always wanted to help me, to save me
He never wanted me to drown myself, never
He wanted me to live
To live without Fear.
To live without Fear of abandonment
To live without Fear of rejection
To live without Fear of replacement
To live bravely, fearlessly, hopefully, gratefully
To live honestly, courageously, earnestly, kindly
To live with everything I had replaced with fear
He breathed new air into my lungs
Water came spluttering out of my throat
My heart started beating again
I could feel the blood rushing faster in my veins
I’m alive! I’m alive! I’m alive!
I’ve been Saved! Saved! Saved!
My new savior will show me ways not to be afraid of losing you
I’ve already lost you once
And from now he will show me never to fear
Losing you again and again
Because in the far future
Fast forward to many years later
Here I am
The future me said
“I lost fear of losing what I never wanted to lose forever”
“I lost fear of losing you, who I never wanted to lose, never”
So today I wait, I hope, I run, I believe, I trust
Towards that future of losing fear of losing you.