Writing sometimes seems like about all I have left, the only outlet for this outpouring of thoughts and frustrations and emotion. I feel like this supernova of upheaval, this universe, all pulsating and transmogrifying, will not be bound to the confines of my finite mind. Restraint, though, is necessary these days. Otherwise, I might find myself entirely unhinged. Who knows what trouble I might find for myself then? The man I was in love with for 13 years is gone. I feel a lightness I have not felt in ages...and yet, perhaps it's just emptiness. Yes, an emptiness I admittedly dread. The man who had started to permeate my very dreams is gone, too. And I'm not sure how I feel about love anymore. I have never really sought it out before, but it seemed like it found me when I needed it. Not really one to try to win anyone over either. If someone wants to walk away, who am I to beg them to stay? Yet, I find myself wanting to...wanting to jump on a plane and just go where my heart feels inexplicably drawn. I'm staying grounded, for now. Chasing phantoms in my mind before I chase the real intangibles. You know...fear of rejection, fear of change, fear of finding whatever it is my heart is seeking. And ohhhh, I can feel it seeking! Like a freaking bloodhound! Trying to hold it back is like trying to pen a T-rex, while a leg of lamb is draped across my shoulder. There are too many unknowns to just dive in, to just jump across the pond, and although I tend to dive in head first, I never dive in blindfolded. Maybe I should, though. Maybe I should stop trying to plan every step, read every letter, and just skip to the end of the book to see if everything sorts itself out. And maybe I should close my eyes and let this beehive of jumbled thoughts rest awhile.
wow thats deep
Well it sounds tough but you seem driven..I'm going to stay on the practical side of this rather than the emotional side..OK Note to be rude but you hmm sound a little desperate which means to me that you are serious in leaving.You mentioned that you never go into things blindfolded. So I would assume you have a solid plan?.i e..(Before anything moving costs money..what is your budget? Do you have savings..how long can you support yourself? do you know where are going to live? do you have all the necessary shelter (where would you be living) funds? do you have funds for gas & utility deposit? if needed. How is your credit?..This will definitely impact who will rent to you.where are you going to work? Do you have reliable transportation? Or will you be using public transportation?Bus..Subways..can you get shelter that is close to where you are living or working? Do you have separate insurance..Depending on where you end up living..you may find all Dr type services are out of your insurances network including Pharmacy (for any prescription medication you may take). So I hope that I could help by developing some bullet points to check off your plan. You may have all these things covered..If you don't then I hope I could of helped..I don't know what the dynamics of your relationship is. Do you intend to surprise him with your decision or are you going to have the time to research and solidify all the things I mentioned as basic things that need to be in place.. Anyways it may be quite a struggle for awhile but you probably are going to need a solid support network to help you manage the emotions that you are going to feel..On the other hand you be a financially independent woman who has already lined everything up..all your ducks are in a row..you just need to commit to your decision..Or money is no problem and you are so free spirited that you throw a dart at the globe..jump on a plain and begin your new life and don't really care about the practical side of the decision.Either way I wish you well and take care. Sincerely Tom W