I wrote that^
Okay so, I guess all I can say is, You don't know happiness until you truly feel it, and this experience also made me realize that I wasn't happy before even though I thought I was, I never, or don't remember feeling inner happiness. As you can see above I didn't even know how to describe this feeling now did I really know what the feeling was until I wrote it down (or texted) all I can describe it as was "smiling on the inside" in which I haven't done either in a long time.
(im highlighted in blue) Okay so as you probably don't know, I live a monotonous life. Nothing changes everything is the same and boring and I don't go out much due to my fear of crowds and over protective mother. However on Saturday it was my friends birthday and I got permission from my dad to go to Chinatown (in train) (mom didn't know) and so yeah I went and faced my fear of trains and it was really fun, we snuck on the trains when the guard wasn't looking bc we spent all our bus fair money and it was thrilling, and half the time I noticed my smile/laughter wasn't forced, in which it usually is a forced smile. And afterwards when I got home I wasn't smiling on the outside but I felt really... good? and the only way I could express it was smiling on the inside bc that's what I felt like I was doing. And yeah you guys probably don't care, but the thing is, I'm semi - apathetic so I don't really connect with my emotions really often, so when I do its an amazing experience for me so I was really happy that... I was happy?