SNBlackRose
a year ago500+ Views
The Pains of Our Yesterdays C13- I'm Me
Hey guys! So, here's the next chapter. I'm seriously, finally almost finished writing. You'll see soon enough why it took so long, but I can't say anything now or it would spoil it. Maybe I'm letting out too much now, lol. But anyhow, I have a ton of revision to do on those chapters before I can post them, but I'm going to try to set something up to come out on Wednesday. We'll see how it goes since I'm flying back to America on Wednesday. But I really hope you can look forward to the story. I'll try to do as much as I can while packing. Thanks again for sticking with me through the slow updates. It means a lot.
Thank you to all of you who are reading, liking, clipping, following, and commenting.
Disclaimer: Many of the characters aside from BTS are made up and BTS themselves are not BTS in this story. And, of course, I don't know the BTS boys personally so their personalities are probably mostly fictional.
Character thoughts are in { }.
Please let me know if you would like to be tagged or untagged.
Beginning: Chapter 1
Previous: Chapter 12
Warning: May contain mild language
Jiyoung POV
As soon as Jin left, JiEun stared directly at me without moving. It was a little creepy. I waved my hand in front of her face.
“You got the hots for Hoseok-oppa, don’t you.” It wasn’t a question in the least. I failed to keep from blushing.
“N-no. I was just surprised is all.”
“You’re such a liar. I’ve seen you for the last week. You’re the closest with Jin-oppa, Hoseok-oppa, and Jimin-oppa. You guys have said that Jin-oppa and you are like siblings, which leaves the other two. Jimin has always been like that to everyone, especially girls, so that wasn’t anything new. But with Hobi-oppa...both of you guys get flustered around each other. It’s cute.”
“Speaking of Jimin,” I said trying to change the subject, “has he...did he...leave his room yet?” JiEun’s face turned serious and the look she gave me was like she was trying to read something on my face. “Wh-what?”
“I’m just trying to figure out what you two are to each other?”
“Wh-what does that mean?” She didn’t answer for a little while and it made me nervous.
She turned away and started gathering stuff for our slumber party. “He wouldn’t answer his door, but when Jin texted him what happened, he practically sprinted over. He was actually here for a while. He just stood and watched from the far corner. But when it looked like you were starting to wake up, he left.”
“Oh...” It made me happy to know that he had come out, that he was concerned for me. But it made me sad that he left. That meant that he hadn’t forgiven himself and was certain that I hadn’t either. I jumped off the bed.
“Are you going to see him?” I nodded. I needed to see if he would open his door yet. I walked to his room, passing by Taehyung with his arms full of blankets, a huge, boxy grin on his face. I knocked on Jimin’s door. There was no answer still. I tried the knob and it was locked again. I waited, not sure what to do next. Just then, Jungkook came out of his room.
“Noona.” I looked at him. “He’s still not opening?” I shook my head sadly. Jungkook sighed and knocked on Jimin’s door with his knock and then walked away. Not three seconds later, the doorknob rattled as it was unlocked.
“What’s wrong, Kook-ah?” Jimin asked without really looking. I quickly slid inside his room. “Ji-Jiyoung! What are you—why—I didn’t say for you to come in. You should leave.” He held the door open, indicating for me to leave. His eyes were still red and it made my heart ache. I walked to his bed and sat down. {You’re the second girl on his bed today} {Shut up}. “Fine then. I’ll leave.” And he started to walk out the door. I quickly jumped up and ran behind him, wrapping my arms around his torso. His body stiffened. I didn’t know why I had done that. I should’ve just grabbed his hand.
“Please talk to me, Jimin. I’m not mad at you. I’ve already talked to the others. I just need to hear from you.” His hands laid on mine for just a second before gently removing my hands from him. He was going to leave. I wrapped my arms back around him. I don’t know why it was so important for him not to leave right then.
Jimin POV
When Jiyoung’s arms wrapped around my waist, all my thoughts left me. It felt so right. And that’s why I had to move them. I had hurt her already and, if I couldn’t control myself, I probably would continue to in the future. I tried to pull her hands away, but as soon as I touched her, I didn’t want to let go. I finally forced myself to continue. I managed to move her hands enough so that I could slip out, but she pulled her hands out of my grasp and hugged me again. It was insane how much she affected me when she was only an infatuation. {You’re well past simple infatuation, Jimin.} I caved.
“Okay. I’m not leaving, but...let’s at least go back in the room.” We were halfway in the hallway and I was worried someone else would see {Hoseok}.
“Oh—sorry.” She pulled away and I already wanted her back against me. I looked at her and couldn’t help think how cute she looked as she scurried backwards into the room. I followed and shut the door behind me.
Before Jiyoung could say anything, I asked, “Are you okay now?” She nodded her head. I breathed a small sigh of relief. Even unconscious, she had been fidgeting and making small noises. I didn’t know what terror she had been relieving, but it had broken my heart. {It’s amazing you still have one}. “Good...I was worried.”
“JiEun told me. She said you stayed in the corner and left before I woke up.”
“I...I didn’t want to cause you anymore pain when you woke up.”
“It hurt me more to see that you weren’t there.” She didn’t know how those words sounded to me.
“I’m sorry,” I managed to say.
“For which part?” One look at her and I knew she was teasing me at least a little bit. And it made a small smile slip out. I recovered, but she apparently had already seen it because she was smiling back at me. Her smile was so beautiful.
“For all of it. Mostly for what I said to you last night. I didn’t mean it at all. I—“ {be careful with your words} “I didn’t mean to say it. I don’t know why I say those things when I drink too much. The really bad part of me...comes out when...when I’m drinking and looking...for someone...and after I find one...and...I really hate that part of me.” My voice got quieter as I neared the end of what I wanted to say. The last part was barely more than a whisper. I wondered if she could see the shame in my eyes.
“Why do you keep hurting yourself?” That jolted me. What did she mean by hurting myself? And why did she ask that question instead of the ones people always asked: ‘Why do you keep doing it if you hurt other people’, ‘Why do you keep chasing after random women’, ‘Why don’t you live how you’re supposed to live’, ‘Why do you keep acting out’. These were the questions she was supposed to ask...but she didn’t.
Jiyoung brought her hands up and wiped away tears I didn’t know had fallen. I closed my eyes and leaned in to her touch. I expected her to pull away, but thankfully, she didn’t. “I don’t know...” I whispered.
“For now, it’s enough for you to know you’re doing it. And if you know, you can ask yourself and find out the answer. Then you can decide what you’re going to do about it. I’m sure others have told you, in some way, to stop. But it won’t help you if you think to stop for others only. You have to decide for yourself.” For some reason, I thought that sounded exactly like something Namjoon would say and it made me laugh. She pulled her hand back.
“Did I say something weird?” She looked a little embarrassed.
“No, no. You just...I swear you and Namjoon are related.” She laughed once she understood. “Both of you seem to see things a lot more clearly than the rest of us.”
Jiyoung shook her head. “That’s not it. It’s just...that’s something I figured out a couple weeks ago. That’s why I finally left my home. I was always afraid of how people would look at me if I told anyone what they did to me. If the police knew, the people in the neighborhood. That’s why I put up with it for so long even after I figured out I didn’t have to put up with it in the first place. I figured out that my concern about what other people thought was what was hindering me. That’s where ours is a little different, caring too much versus caring too little. But the result is the same: nothing. It was only when I finally decided to do it for myself, when I couldn’t stand to even look at myself in the mirror anymore, that I was able to change. Most people only care so much about other people’s opinions. Your own opinion is what has the most strength. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been reading.” She laughed at the last part.
How could she have such a solid understanding of something like this when only recently she had been sequestered away in her own version of hell? She amazed me, and I finally came to understand why I was so attracted to her. She understood me when others either didn’t care to or just didn’t have the capacity to understand. Even Namjoon and Taehyung, who were most similar to me, barely understood. And now that I found someone like her, could I bear to let her go?
The woman I’d brought home...I was basically on autopilot, too drunk to care. But when I woke up in the morning, seeing her made me feel almost queasy, as if I’d betrayed Jiyoung, which I knew was stupid. There was nothing between us, so how could I betray her? And yet...that’s what it felt like. It was obvious now that the feelings I had for Jiyoung were more than simple physical desires. There was something there. Something I hadn’t felt for a long time.
“So...now that you know I’ve forgiven you, can you try to forgive yourself?” That question made me frown. Could I forgive myself? As if reading my thoughts, she said, “If I was the one who got hurt and now I’m not hurting anymore, and I forgive you, can you please forgive yourself?” The way she said it sounded like doing so would be a favor for her.
“I—I’ll try.” Her smile was bright and beautiful.
“Good. Then grab your pillow.” I looked at her, utterly confused. “We’re having a slumber party. Attendance is required.” {Slumber party?}
“Slumber party? Aren’t we a little—“
“Don’t say too old. You’ll make JiEun mad. She said since it was my first one, that it had to be perfect.” Her first? Given her previous home situation, I guessed I shouldn’t have been surprised.
“I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised about that, considering.” Jiyoung nodded her head knowingly. “Then I’ll get to it.” She smiled and walked to the door, a definite bounce in her step. She gave one last look to me, one that made my heart flutter, and then she was out the door. I smiled to myself and grab my pillow and a new blanket from my pile. Then I realized—I was going to be sleeping in the same room as Jiyoung. What if I did something stupid in my sleep? Something that most of the girls I was with actually really liked. I was going to have to sleep as far away from her as possible. And this was going to be difficult. Pretty much everyone else knew how I slept which meant that they’d want to be far away from me too.
Narrator POV
Jiyoung practically skipped back to her room. She was so elated that Jimin was feeling better now. Just as she reached the other hallway, she crashed into Hoseok who was leaving the slumber party room. The two almost lost their balance but Hoseok managed to keep both of them upright. Both of their faces blushed when they realized the position they were in, Hoseok with one foot set back as if he just finished taking a step and both of them pressed tightly together. Hoseok was quick to separate the two of them and Jiyoung couldn’t help deep down feeling slightly disappointed. Then she started to feel guilty. She just came from talking to Jimin, where she’d felt similar butterflies. Was there something wrong with her? To be feeling like this about two different men? It couldn’t be right.
“You excited for your first slumber party?” Hoseok asked, trying to make it less awkward.
Jiyoung nodded vigorously, happy for the distraction. “Very. I’m excited to finally have friends I can do so many new things with.” Hoseok smiled. He liked her very much and her happiness made him that much more happy.
“We’re excited you’re here too.” {Me especially} “Do you need help with anything?”
“Well...I’m not really sure what to do. I’m gonna grab my pillow, but is there anything else I need?”
“Well, you have to get into your pajamas like us,” Hoseok indicated to the sleeping clothes he had changed into, “and then you just need to bring yourself. It’s a little different when you’re living in the same house. Everything we need is already here. Oh! What’s your favorite snack?”
“Um...do we still have some of those sweet garlic puffy things I tried on Tuesday?”
“Of course! They’re practically a staple food here. Shall we get our snacks? You can grab your pillow after.” Then Hoseok decided to be daring; he grabbed her hand. Jiyoung’s heart started pounding. Neither of them knew it, but both of their hearts were racing at almost the exact same speed. Hoseok smiled at her and was pleased to see that she was blushing just as much as him. “Ready?” Jiyoung nodded shyly and they both went towards kitchen.
Along the way, Hoseok decided to have as much fun as he could. Halfway down the stairs, he started swinging their arms. Jiyoung giggled and covered her face in embarrassment. It was such a childish thing, swinging their arms like that, but she actually really liked it. At the bottom of the stairs, he gave her a suspicious-looking smile before taking off in a run, pulling her behind him. They were both laughing wildly when they ran into the kitchen. They stopped in their tracks when they saw Jungkook, JiEun, and Taehyung also raiding the pantry. Hoseok quickly let go of their hands and the two tried to pretend that nothing had happened.
The three watched them as they awkwardly walked over. JiEun and Taehyung smirk at each other knowingly. Jungkook, on the other hand, watched them with a slight frown. He was fairly certain that his brother had some sort of feelings for Jiyoung. While he was wary of the thought of Jiyoung with his brother, due to his history, and recent activities, with women, he felt like he should support his brother first. And if Jiyoung could make his brother change for the better, then he had to encourage the two to get together.
“You guys are really buddy-buddy, huh?” Taehyung asked, breaking the awkward silence.
“O-of course,” Jiyoung replied. “I’m supposed to be friendly with all of you guys, right?”
“Then why’re you so jumpy?” JiEun continued the teasing.
“You scared us,” Hoseok answered. Hoseok quickly grabbed the snack Jiyoung liked and handed it to her. Then he grabbed his own snack.
“Finished?” Taehyung asked, smirking mischievously. Jiyoung nodded. “Good.” He grabbed her hand, mimicking Hoseok. “Then let’s go back!” he shouted joyfully. He started swinging their hands and pulling Jiyoung to the stairs. Hoseok watched them, dumbfounded.
JiEun put her arm around his shoulder. “You better make your move before someone else steals her away,” she warned playfully.
Hoseok cleared his throat. “I—I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Then he followed the other two. JiEun kept smiling until she realized she was left alone with Jungkook.
“Uh, we should probably follow,” JiEun suggested. Jungkook walked by JiEun, his hand grabbing hers. He ran his thumb soothingly over her hand. Jungkook smiled at her. JiEun was uncharacteristically shy in her return smile. Jungkook briefly checked that no one was nearby and brought her hand up to his lips. He kissed them, letting it linger for a couple seconds, before gently pulling them away and back to their sides. He let go of her hand. Neither of them wanted to let go. But they were worried one of the others would see them.
“Let’s go,” Jungkook said. The two made their way back to the slumber party, snacks in hand.
The slumber party was a success. Everyone was pleasantly surprised when Jimin had walked in. But in order to make him feel more comfortable, they all acted like nothing had happened. Jimin was very grateful for that. They watched a scary movie first. Hoseok, Taehyung, Jimin, and Jiyoung stayed huddled together. The others had fun randomly screaming during the movie to make them jump (hateful glares were thrown). Then they watched an action movie and a comedy movie. There were a couple pillow fights, mostly between the youngest ones, and wrestling matches over snacks. Everyone made sure to make the slumber party memorable for Jiyoung. They all started crashing in the early morning hours.
When they woke up several hours later, Jimin was groping his body pillow (the pillow provided by a violated Namjoon), Jiyoung had managed to make her way to the wall during her sleep, and Jin was sleeping protectively next to her. Yoongi was sandwiched between Hoseok and Taehyung, Namjoon was snoring lightly with a pillow over his face (courtesy of Yoongi), Jungkook was spooning Taehyung, and JiEun was splayed out in the middle of the floor. Taehyung, surprisingly, was the first to wake. He made sure the others were quick to follow.
Due to universal bedhead, the morning started with laughs. JiEun left first to do her morning routine. Just as she was leaving, SunYung, one of the maids, walked up. She informed them all that breakfast was ready. Everyone started folding their blankets.
“Did you have fun?” Taehyung asked, flopping down in front of Jiyoung. Jiyoung squished his face with her hands and started making him make funny faces.
“I had a lot of fun.” Then Taehyung started making silly noises. “Thank you guys for helping me to have fun.” They all replied back about how much fun it was to pretend to be kids again and similar things. They finished cleaning up and went down for breakfast.
Once everyone was at the table, they started to eat noisily. Absentmindedly, Jimin drummed his fingers on the table in the same pattern as Jiyoung had knocked on his door. After the third time, Jin heard it. Talking stopped when Jin’s chopsticks clattered on the table.
“Where did you hear that?” Jin choked out, his voice barely more than a whisper. The others looked at each other trying to figure out what was wrong. “Jimin! Where did you hear that?” Jin’s voice was now raised above even a normal speaking level.
“W-what are you talking about, hyung?” Jimin asked. He was as confused as everyone else.
“T-tap on the table again. The way you just were.” Jimin looked to Namjoon who just shrugged. Hesitantly, Jimin tapped again. Jin stood up abruptly, Jiyoung and Jimin, who were next to him, flinched. “That! Where did you hear that?!”
“I—I—“
“Calm down hyung,” Yoongi spoke evenly to Jin.
“How can you possibly know that signal?” Jin asked.
“That’s unnie’s knock,” JiEun answered.
Jin turned to Jiyoung, his eyes darting frantically across her face, as if trying to find something. “But...why did you pick that?”
Jiyoung opened her mouth, but realized she didn’t know the answer. “I...I don’t know. I just made it up.”
“That’s not possible!” Jin yelled. Jiyoung flinched away. Why was he yelling at her? Had she done something wrong?
“Hyung.” Jimin stood up and put his hands on Jin’s shoulders. “You need to sit down. You’re scaring her.” His last words got through to Jin. Jin only then saw the look on Jiyoung’s face, he was actually scaring her. Jiyoung wasn’t cognizant of it, but she was leaning away from him with her arms raised up slightly, almost like she was expecting to be hit. Jin sat down.
“I’m so sorry. I—I didn’t mean to scare you like that. And—I would never, ever hit you, I swear.” Jiyoung let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. It wasn’t like she at all thought that Jin would hit her, it was simply reflex from years of living with her adoptive family. She righted herself in her chair and looked down at her plate. She was embarrassed that she had showed another one of what she viewed as her deficits. She felt Jin’s warm hand on hers. “I’m sorry...”
“No, I’ve never even considered the idea that you would hit me. It was just reflex. It wasn’t you I was afraid of.” Everyone understood what she was saying.
“Why were you freaking out anyway?” Taehyung asked bluntly.
“That knock...” Jin started slowly, “It’s something SooJin and I used for our ‘secret’ hideout in our treehouse. The only people who should’ve known it were me and SooJin.” Silence again. Everyone looked at Jin and Jiyoung. “There’s no way that you could be...”
Jiyoung shook her head hesitantly. Though she knew that she couldn’t be SooJin, the coincidences piling up were not something that could be ignored now. “I have pictures from when I was a child. With my family. I have my birth certificate and all of my papers. And my grandparents and my aunt, they knew me. And my accident was before when you told me SooJin disappeared. Though..."
“Though what?” Jin asked anxiously.
“I was in a coma when you two...when you had the accident. But, from what you told me, I woke up two days after...”
JiEun spoke up, “I don’t really believe in ghosts or spirits..but do you think...I mean, you said she reminds you of your sister. And there’s been so many coincidences. Especially this...Is it—do you think it’s possible...that maybe your sister’s spirit...” JiEun didn’t continue. Jin’s face was downcast. They all knew what it meant. If they could even acknowledge that spirits existed, if they thought it was possible for a spirit to possess someone, if they allowed that any of it was possible, it only meant one thing... SooJin really was dead.
“But it could all just be a coincidence,” Taehyung quickly added.
“Maybe, but...it seems like a bit much,” Namjoon stated. “Look, I’m the first to be scientific and say it’s not possible. And, of course, none of us want...the other part to be true. But it’s...it’s appearing to be possible. It’s bizarre if nothing else.”
“I’m me,” Jiyoung murmured to herself. It wasn’t possible. But...if it were true that somehow, someway, she was SooJin in Jiyoung’s body, then what did that make her? It meant that the real Jiyoung was dead, at least brain dead, and SooJin was dead. So where did that leave her? She wasn’t either of them? “I’m me.”
Hoseok noticed Jiyoung’s almost imperceptible rocking back and forth, a less forceful version of her behavior yesterday. He easily deduced that she was struggling with the confusion. So he spoke up. “Look, all we need to know is that she’s Jiyoung. She’s just herself. It’s not possible to know what could’ve happened. So let’s just stop. Jiyoung is Jiyoung. She’s Jiyoung-noona. That’s all that matters.” Jiyoung looked up at him. How did he know just what she needed to hear? Her eyes conveyed her thankfulness and she gave him a grateful smile. Hoseok smiled back.
{I’m me.}
BAM! Did this just become a supernatural drama? Or maybe it really is coincidence. Hmmm.... What do you think? I'm not telling ;)
I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I know it may seem a little weird for her to forgive Jimin so easily, but I suppose I wrote that part of her personality after myself. Forgiving is good, unless you forgive too easily, too much. But this is only the beginning for them so I suppose it's a while before it can become a problem.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you think. If I'm able, I'll try to put the next chapter out on Wednesday, time allowing. I hope you see you then!
Thank you to @Mavis2478 for this story.
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2 comments
guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl ima lose my MINDDDDDD
a year ago·Reply
@KittenFear Bwahahahahaha. Then I have succeeded, lol
a year ago
I still think she is Soo Jin. I have the whole reasoning worked out but it's too long to type up.
a year ago·Reply
@JaxomB Oooo, interesting. I'm curious now, lol
a year ago
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