a year ago100+ Views
I've grown to believe that everything I hold on onto is only but in vain. I guess being unhappy is when you have no sole purpose in a world that doesn't seem to take notice of your existence, or anyone in particular. I don't dwell in the loss of the attention I've, relunctantly, lat go of. But I do miss the one person who did in fact payed attention to me. His name is Jinyoung, he is a very normal guy I guess but he is strong. I don't know much about his backstory, not even while we dated nonetheless. He has many cryptic emotions and his feelings aren't at all at their best control. Never has he ever let anyone reach the top of the wall and break it down to pieces, realizing that which he keeps hidden very deep inside him. I once thought I could do that, to break his walls into a million pieces and release the other side of him I wanted to meet so desperately. But all to avail, he never lets his guard down let alone let a soul take control of his emotions, mindset, feelings, heart, and most importantly himself. I don't care about any of that now, frankly I dont even know what I did wrong to end it all but perhaps it was my constant need for his attention. Surely I thought that I could be comfortable with someone who truly understood the meaning of being unhappy and what the world feels when someone 'different' from it's superficial standards had set foot on the land. My life has processed in the most inadequate ways. Over time I had developed a deep depression where everything I see or touch seems empty and nothing could hold it into a steady rock to keep it balanced. I live for something to fuel me, something that I lack that makes me feel complete and I thought I had it before but now I realize that I was wrong. He talks to me sometimes, telling me about how he's been and shit but never has he asked how I was doing. He never asks whether I'm ok or if I'm hurt, taking care of myself, going out with friends, maintaining my sanity to a level where I'm able to cope with myself. I know that I lost the special treatment prior to the 'friendship' we keep going but is it really a friendship when it's just a prospective to a near ending. I don't want to lose him, not when he's my voice to keep going and living in a world I thought was worth living in. I underestimate myself and the many possible things I can do with my life. I can try to change and be an ordinary person like the rest of the people I see walking down the street. I comprehend every detail in the aspects of life, defining it's very core and what it means to actually be alive but nothing makes sense anymore. I feel tremendously barren and even with everything I hold myself up to, even Jinyoung. He brings me closure and reassurance that everything will change and I'll be ok, even if the words don't directly come from himself. I need him.
In it's ever lasting glory I see the prick-of-a-tear illustration come to life envoked from my wild thoughts. After all 3 years she still lingers in my mind. I don't deserve her, I don't deserve anyone who is able to help someone who doesn't trust them when they try to make me free. I hide at the corner of my thoughts and the imaginary sensation of her arms around me when I am hurt or just in need of the company, the warmth. I don't let my walls fall down into calamity but if I did then I would be exposed. Exposed from all the goddamn secrets I am forced to keep silent of and every little memory of the childhood I've lived. She wanted me to tell, to tell her everything, to breakdown my walls and let her through the gates of my soul and heart but I wouldn't let her. Not that I didn't want to finally let it all out after a mellennia of hidden truth and loss of sanity. I haven't been the kindest at her, not even after the break up I placed upon her. She truly cared about me, more than anyone I've met could have. But I left her, I left her without reason or care, though she gave me every reason to still think about her. To keep a hold of her and to fall into a deep sleep knowing that she was still alive and that she has possibly moved on to someone better. Someone who isn't me, someone who cares for and shows her how much they love her the way I never could. What has been lingering in my mind isn't the mememory of her well being but the sadness inflicted in her voice. When I talk to her she seems out of it, barren and unable to whistand the sound of my voice without breaking down to tears. She has cried when she hears my voice, the broken sound I hear almost too quickly before she hangs up the phone and I am left dumb and numb with pain and the thought that she isn't as happy as I made myself believe. What I have done to her, what I have caused her to become was the most painful mistake I've ever committed out of all of the other ones. What I have envoked and made come to life which is an exact replica of everything I am feeling.... has landed on the one person who smiled more than a mere human should. I have caused her pain.