a year ago100+ Views
Part one is here
Part two is here
"What are you smiling for?" He remarks. "It wasn't a compliment, I insulted you." Such a smart ass.
I just shake my head, smile remaining. Normally when he's messing with me, I'd play along. I'd pout or whine, shove him away and tell him to stop. I can't help myself right now though, not when it's starting to feel like how it used to. The air between us is lighter. I avoid turning to meet his eyes as I feel his stare burning into the side of my head.
"I'm more offended about you insulting my car." I retaliate. "She's sensitive."
Jungkook scoffs, chuckling softly and waving his hand in the air, brushing it off. "Trust me, if your car was offended by what I said, we both would know by now. I've said it more than a few times. She can take it." He reaches behind him, pulling on his seat belt and bringing it over himself to strap himself in.
I suddenly feel guilty for not realizing that up until now he hadn't had it on. I can feel it bubbling up inside, the criticizing. Like a mother getting ready to scold her child for not remembering to practice safety first. I stop myself, right before I open my mouth to let him have it. He knows it bothers me anyway, so he wouldn't even be surprised, but I can't do it tonight. Tonight has to be something different. It's way too overdue, and I'm just really tired of pushing him away.
We end up driving the rest of the way to reach my home in a bit of an awkward silence, Jungkook watching out the window. His mood is starting to seem heavier again. My anxiety is coming back. I can't stand being in the dark. He knows that, too. Sometimes I catch myself overthink the situation, I start blaming him for things I know he'd never really do. Like, being cruel for not telling me what's going on with him, like he's doing it to get back at me for something. He knows how much it drives me crazy.
He's not like that, though. Even after our biggest argument, he never did anything to really hurt me.
It was only a few years back, a night that felt like it would never end. We had spent the entire summer together, switching up who's place we'd be staying at every other day or so. Maybe it was just too much time spent with one another, that's what my mother had told me. She didn't know all the details and I could never agree with that anyway. I didn't get tired of seeing Jungkook's face everyday. He was always my biggest comfort, just seeing him made me feel like everything was right with the world.
Most of the day was pretty typical. We listened to music, shared different songs we'd come to fall in love with during our measly time apart. We watched our favorite movies, walked the neighborhood, ducking through houses to sit next to our favorite river not far from Jungkook's home. Nothing played out far from ordinary. I don't even really remember how it started.
I might have said something stupid, it was always me and my insecurities making rough patches in our friendship. It was about a girl we'd gone to school with I remember. She was from our home room and she had an obvious crush on Jungkook. He was so defensive about not knowing it though. She flaunted her feelings, showering him with gifts and long stares nearly every day. It was impossible for him to be so unaware of her admiration of him and I fought him on it. I don't know why I was so persistent.
Insecurities can really do a lot of damage.
He kept pushing away every bit of conversation about her. This only made me want to talk about her more. "How can't you see how much she likes you?" I badgered him. "She's obsessed with you!" I'd snarled at him. I was the one obsessed. Obsessed over this fantasy secret relationship they were sharing behind my back. Jealousy and false betrayal had taken over me and any trace of rationalizing. I was convinced, by my own twisted feelings, that he was going to abandon me for her.
"Please, just drop it, okay? I don't see what the problem is-" He tried.
"Just drop it?" I almost screamed. My face was hot with anger at this point, I was so mad I couldn't see straight. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. This relationship, Jungkook and that girl from home room, was ripping me apart inside. I could feel the tears pricking behind my eyes and I tried everything I could to push them away. My eyes were burning and I knew the tears were going to roll down my cheeks any second. I didn't want him to see that. I wanted him to see my anger, not my weakness.
I stood up from the mushy grass, taking another glance at the slow rushing river in front of me. The intense lonely feeling of abandonment racked my chest, my heart dropped harder and faster than I'd ever felt before. It was all in my head, but I was saying goodbye to Jungkook then. I thought it was going to be for forever. I choked the tears back, took a breath and stared down at him. He wasn't looking at me, still facing away towards the river.
My voice was only slightly above a whisper this time. Fear and regret were creeping upon me before I even muttered the words, "You're lying. I don't want to see you again."
I turned away and briskly walked toward the houses that lined the river, cutting between houses to reach the road. I stole a glance behind me, he wasn't following. I decided to run home anyway, swiping away the tears as I did.
I stayed awake through the night, switching between feelings of anger, regret and crying until my eyes were so red they looked like cherry tomatoes. He didn't call me, I didn't know why I expected him to.
I spent a couple of days like that. Loneliness consumed me. When I decided I couldn't take anymore of it, I wanted my best friend back. I missed him more than those feelings of betrayal. I missed him more than my jealousy. I took my bike, I rode the ten minute journey to his house early one afternoon. I knocked on his door.
Jungkook opened it slowly, maybe he expected me to lunge for him, fists ready. Instead I stood there with my head hung down in apology. I'd realized my mistake. Even though my jealousy remained, I was still afraid of abandonment, I needed him. He smiled.
"I don't like her." Jungkook muttered. He avoided my eyes as I pulled my head up to look at him. He shook his head, staring at the floor. "I know her feelings, but I don't share them."
I let out an unintentional sigh of relief. "Oh."
Jungkook chuckled. "Oh?" He rubbed at the back of his neck, shuffling backwards and pointing inside his home with his other hand. "Wanna come in?"
I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long! Life gets hectic around here.
1 comment
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