Cool sheets touched your exposed as you moved your legs slightly under the covers, a pair of arms slightly tightened around you before pulling a warm body against yours. Running your fingertips over his exposed arms, you closed your eyes and felt his chest press against your back with every inhale then slowly retract with the exhale, brushing his warm breath against your neck.
Opening your eyes, darkness surrounded the two of you as the jostled sheets were mangled around the two of you. Moving your eyes around his room slowly, your eyes focused on a distant part of his room as your mind started to think and ponder the thoughts that you had pushed to the back of your mind for so long.
Your mind tried to picture yourself with him, what your future would look like with him. If you would be happy with him for the rest of your life or if you would always wonder if there was someone better, someone who would make you happier than he would. Thoughts like these flooded your mind as your heart started to beat faster, causing you to become restless.
Turning your head slightly, you carefully watched him sleep for a moment before unwrapping his arms from around you then slowly wrapping them around a pillow in your stead. Moving ever so slowly, you moved to the foot of his bed and sat upright while your mind started to wonder more and more. Once more, you glanced over your shoulder at his sleeping form, moonlight highlighting his strong shoulders and his manly form covered slightly by the duvet.
Sighing softly, you turned your head back around and pulled your knees to your chest. Thinking for a moment or two more, you finally came to a conclusion and stepped off the edge of his bed as you padded over to your hoodie that was discarded on the floor several hours ago.
Rustling bed sheets caught your attention as you froze in your tracks, your head turning and looking over at him slowly moving underneath the covers.
“Everything okay?” Doojoon, your boyfriend, asks, his morning voice prevalent while his hand slowly rubbed his eyes. Once he opened his eyes, he turned his head in your direction as he sleepily pushes himself up off of the mattress.
Silence filled the air for a moment or two as he leaned over and pulled the chain of his bedside lamp. The warm yellow light filled his bedroom allowing the two of you to see each other better.
“I think I need to leave” You whisper as you pull your hoodie over your wrinkled t shirt, your eyes dropping from his form to watch your hands pull the fabric of your hoodie down.
“Why? Did I make you uncomfortable?” He quickly sits upright, waking up almost fully, not wanting to have hurt you or push you past your limits.
“I just don’t know what to think at the moment…” Your fingers play with one another as your long sleeves cover your hands while you shift slightly from one leg to the other.
“What are you thinking about?” He probed as he crossed his legs under the covers and moving his hands from pressing into the mattress behind him to resting in his lap.
“I just…. I can’t help but think that you aren’t committed to us” You bit your lip harshly as a unsettling dark feeling began to grow in your gut. However, a slight weight was lifted off of your chest.
“Sweetheart” He cooed sweetly as you closed your eyes being confused more than ever, “I love you, you know that” He replied simply yet full of love.
“I know; I just don’t know where my feelings for you lie…” You confessed quieter than the time before.
After you spoke the air went silent like the night that surrounded you. The sound of the sheets folding over and his feet shuffling across the floor as he approached you, his hand hesitantly lifted and rested on your upper arm.
“I’ll wait for you. Take your time and sort out your feelings” He comforted as he looked down at you, you nodded your head and turned away from him.
Leaving his room and slipping on your shoes before opening his front door not wanting to over welcome your stay. Doojoon followed you out of the bedroom and when you looked over your shoulder, you saw him standing against one of the pillars in his apartment as he licked his lips, his eyes coating over with a glossy finish.
Dropping your head, you slowly walked out of his door and made your way to your apartment a few blocks away. Doojoon walked up to the door a few minutes after you left. Resting his hand on the handle of the door, he thought about going after you but he knew all too well that you would just push him away more the more he tried to embrace you.
Flipping on a few lights on his apartment, he settled himself on his couch and thumbed through the memories of you he held on his phone.
Not even twenty minutes later, you arrived at your apartment. Punching in the code, the chime welcomed you home while pushing open your front door. The chilled air rushed across your skin causing you to shudder slightly before stepping inside and slipping off your shoes.
Scanning your apartment, you shuffled over to an open window as your hands closed the window and locked it before your eyes lifted up to the sky. Clouds covered the moon and stars making the vibrant beautiful, hope filled sky, dark and flat. Sighing, you turned around and walked into your kitchen, opening the door of your refrigerator, your eyes glanced over the contents in the fridge before you reached out and grabbed a chilled water bottle.
Twisting the cap off, you sipped the chilling water feeling it trickle down your throat. Leaning yourself against the counter, you closed your eyes and let your head fall back slowly, wondering if you did the right thing. Moving your tongue in between your teeth, you gently bit down trying to keep your mind off of the emotions and thoughts running through you. Shaking your head lightly, you padded over to the stools on one side of your island, pulling over a pad of paper and a pen, you flipped the lights hanging over your island as your fingers moved the pen across the paper. Pouring your emotions, feelings and your whole world onto the lined paper.
When you first called me sweetheart my heart skipped a beat as a smile curled onto my lips with ease. Talking to you and texting you after my day became something I looked forward to, hearing about your day was exciting and always a highlight. I looked forward to every text you would send, getting excited over my screen lighting up with your message and my chime sounding when it arrived. When you sent me a picture of you on tour, when we couldn’t see each other in person, I wondered how such a handsome man would fall for someone like me. I would often ask myself what I did to deserve a sweetheart like you to come into my life, to hold me, to comfort me, to give me joy and happiness from day to day.
When you took me out for our first date, I was so nervous but slowly relaxed as we had fun and started laughing and teasing each other. I still remember both of us breaking the bowling lane we were assigned, getting a strike (almost) every time the ball rolled down the lane. Then I took you to a beautiful small lake and walked around the water before deciding to walk onto one of the bridges. A couple happily offered us bread to feed the ducks. Talking some more, we finished breaking the bread and finished feeding the vocal ducks as we turned around and leaned against the railing of the bridge. A cooler wind started to brush over our skin as we moved closer to one another and before you knew it both of our arms were around one another. I felt you shake due to the cold air as I held you close and rubbed your sides trying to warm you ups as you tried to warm me.
“What are you thinking about?” You asked ever so simply
“How perfect this moment is” I answered, my eyes looking over the water with the full moon hanging in the sky. The slight breeze rustling the leaves happily creating nothing less than a perfect moment. “What are you thinking about?”
“About kissing you…” You trailed off, one of your hands raising to your neck as you rubbed it nervously. “Is that okay?” You whispered, your fingers brushing against my hand as I confessed
I hadn’t had my first kiss yet. Whispering words of kindness from your warm heart, you slowly leaned in and pressed your lips against mine.
After that our dates were just spending time together and talking under the stars that seemed to never shine as brightly as the night we watched them together.
You brought me roses after my surgery and texted me sweet words as I recovered. Your ‘I miss you’ texts and sweet gestures will always remain in my heart.
Tears were rolling down your cheeks by now and dripping off the edge of your chin. Licking your lips and biting your bottom lip from quivering too much, your handwriting started to become sloppy towards the end. Finishing the letter with your signed name and slipped off of your stool, shuffling then to your bedroom to let your body shake and sob on the covers of your bed.
Over the next few weeks, you received little things here and there, little letters in the mail, after you had sent yours to him, as he wrote how much he missed you and his future plans with you wanting to show you that he doesn’t want anyone but you. Flowers being delivered to your work and to your door at least once a week. Texts containing audio files arrived at your phone as you listened to them, more tears rolling down your cheeks with each personalized song that was sent from Doojoon.
One night, you were relaxing on your couch as your phone lit up and chimed with an incoming text. Unlocking your phone, you opened the message as your eyes scanned over a new audio message. Playing the song with the tap of your thumb, you pulled over the box of letters that you had received from his address and the little notes in the flowers that you always kept. Thumbing through past conversations that you managed to save, your heart started to become overwhelmed as more tears streamed down your cheeks.
The song faded once at its end, you sat there looking down at your phone, his name written across the top of the messages you two had shared. Closing your eyes, your free hand moved over your heart as you felt it beating faster and harder than it had for a while. Tapping your phone into the text box, your keyboard pulled up as both of your hands cradled your phone between your unsure palms.
You hit the send button before lifting one of your hands up and wiping away the fallen tears with the end of your sleeve.
Yes, love? -DJ
Can I talk to you about something?
After much hesitation, you sent that message with several minutes passing from his previous message.
I’ll be right over -DJ
Not even ten minutes later, a solid knock was heard at your front door. Pushing yourself up off of the couch, you ran your fingers through your hair in an attempt to make yourself presentable.
Fumbling with the locks on your front door a little, you opened it slowly and peered around the corner and saw Doojoon standing there. A soft smile sat on his lips as his eyes softened once he saw you. Leaning against the door, you felt your chest tighten a little as your tongue fumbled around in your mouth. Knowing you wouldn’t be able to form any words, your hand slowly left the handle as you stepped towards him slowly and snaked your arm around his torso. Pressing your body against his, you rested your head on his chest lightly as you heart his heart beating fast and hard.
A wave of emotions flooded over you as you dropped your head and gripped his shirt slightly with your fingers. A familiar tightening in your chest was soon released through tears falling from your eyes. Looking down at you, a little in disbelief, he lifted his arms hesitantly wondering if it would be okay. However, when he felt your body slightly shake against his, he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you tightly against him.
“I love you” You whisper softly, your head lifting off of his chest and look into his beautiful brown eyes.
“I love nobody but you” He proclaimed his dedication to you in a loving whisper before pressing his lips ever so softly on your forehead before he rested his forehead against yours. “I missed you so much”
“I noticed” You chuckled as a smile formed on his face lightening the mood slightly, “I missed you too” You whispered as you carefully guided your lips to his.