Who: Reader x Lee Seonghwa
What: Angst, Smut (eventually) some fluff.
Story: Social anxiety is the worst thing to deal with. It's amazing you have friends at all but when your crush and friend, Seonghwa, tries to get closer to you your Anxiety and trust issues threaten to push him away.
He didn't think it all the way through he just saw her smiling and she looked so cute that he grabbed her and kissed her. He felt her stall and tense but the more he kissed her the more he enjoyed the taste of her. He had been having feelings for her for a while. Back when they went to the Sky Rose Garden to go see a movie and she walked off to go see it by herself. She was quiet that evening because Yun-Ji had joined them for the movie. He knew she was uncomfortable around Yun-Ji she wasn't used to being around her but it seemed like the more she showed up around her the more Y/n turned in towards herself. Ju Kyung had just started dating her he figured she felt twice as uncomfortable because it was supposed to be a date but he invited her along. Her mind was always toying with her. He could see her face contort and show that she was dealing with an internal battle. She wouldn't talk about it with him she just kept it all in and didn't say a word. She wouldn't even let Ju Kyung know too much. He told Seonghwa once that any time he got remotely close to her she closed up again. She went through periods where she was as bright as the sun and had so much fun and by all outside appreances she seemed fine but then out of no where like an earthquake her mood would shake. She would be hit with such anxiety she pushed them from her. It was at the Rose Garden when he found her looking out from the top of the building by herself that he realized how beautiful she was. He was just staring at her thinking she was the cutest girl he ever knew. Ju Kyung said she was pretty adorable. All that had happened a month ago, he had become comfortable around her the past year but last month he just knew it. Those feelings had grown so much that he couldn't deny it any longer. Proving it to her was an entierly different task in itself.
Among Y/n's anixety and panic issues she also had trust issue. She never told him why but she was catuious around the both of them sometimes. She would close up automatically if they even remotely asked about her past or her family. She did say once that they wanted her to be something that she wasn't and so she left the house at sixteen. She had struggled a while on the streets but eventually found a job that she could survive with. She didn't have to deal with too many people and she had paper work all day that kept her forever talking mind silent. At work she was just calm and collected and she didn't think so she wouldn't have panic attacks or any anxiety that came out of no where. She was able to make a living to survive. She didn't have any roommates as far as he knew but she didn't trust anyone to stay in the same house as her. He wondered if she might ever trust him enough to open up to him.
He had probably hit a giant set back at this point. He wasn't thinking when he kissed her he just did what felt natural to him but that wasn't natural for her. He should've thought about that before he had done it. He didn't expect her to take off the way she did. She just sprited off out of no where and he could only call after her before his mind finally caught up to the fact that she had just run away from him. The bewilderment in her eyes because she had been kissed was purely innocent and he might've enjoyed staring at that face and even teasing her a little about it if she had just stayed with him. If he had been able to tell her that he liked her than maybe she would've reacted differently.
Or maybe not.
She had an anixtey disorder, she might never be able to really fix it.
"Yah! Y/n! Where are you?" he called as soon as he got outside.
He had chased after her but she was fast. Once he got outside she wasn't insight anymore but she had to have been close she didn't just disappear.
"Y/n! Please come out I'm sorry." he called.
He saw Ju Kyung coming out of the car with Yun-Ji. If he told Ju Kyung he kissed her he'd be annoyed with him but he needed his help coaxing her out. At the very least she wasn't so far within herself that he couldn't get her to come out. He waited for him to walk up and Yun-Ji had her arm wrapped around his.
"Is that why you're late?" Seonghwa noted.
"Yeah sorry. Did I hear you calling for Y/n?" He asked.
"Yeah she had a panic attack and ran away form me but I can't find her." he said.
"Well what happened for her to have an attack?" Ju Kyung asked.
"What doesn't make that poor thing panic? Why do you hang around her again?"
Seonghwa ignored the feeling to call her a bitch and looked at Ju Kyung who was looking at Yun-Ji upset that she even said that. Yun-Ji just shrugged and looked away. Ju Kyung took his arm back and sighed,
"Ok we'll talk about it later. You go that way I'll go this way. Yun-Ji just wait in the practice room or something." he said.
Ju Kyung didn't normally blow her off like that but her comment had really annoyed him. She didn't get how protective of her he truly was. She hated it Seonghwa could see it and Y/n could feel it which was why she made her so uncomfortable. Y/n would want to leave once she saw that she was here and Ju Kyung would let her be but Seonghwa didn't want her going off anywhere alone. She probably wouldn't talk to him for a week and that was probably the shortest time. Yun-Ji just looked at Ju Kyung walking off in the other direction, she looked annoyed. Seonghwa scoffed as he turned to go search for her.
"Looks like he found the little girl." Yun-Ji practically spit.
"Watch yourself." Seonghwa warned.
He walked down to the other side of the building where Ju Kyung was. Ju Kyung held his hand up to tell him to wait. He walked over to the side of the building and he couldn't see him anymore. Ju Kyung was annoyed with him he could tell and he had the right to be. He wasn't thinking straight he felt bad for freaking her out...
You were staring at the ground now, the shock mostly settled. Both your lips touched, okay that was a little easier to handle but it was messing with your mind. Seonghwa kissed you.
He's just screwing with you.
You groaned and buried your face in your arms. This was going to make trusting him so much harder now. Anixety was tormenting you again. She was taunting your relentlessly. You really liked Seonghwa, you never voiced it but your felt it in your heart but everyone just had the ability to hurt and destroy you. You couldn't give him what he wanted and what he wanted as your friend at the very least was for you to completely trust him. You didn't have that in you. The paranoia in your mind wouldn't allow you to trust anyone.
They'll always hurt you, you foolish little girl.
Can I just stop thinking for a moment?
Now only silent teasr rolled down your eyes. The kiss was fascinating in the after thought of it all but the reason behind it.
He's really just fucking with you.
Stop it! Get out! Get out of my head! He's my friend.
He's not a friend Y/n and you know it. You have feelings for him and he's screwing with you. You're way to obvious.
Your chest hurt. She was really trying to push everyone away from you.
Your head snapped up and you jerked back startled by the voice. Ju Kyung met your eyes and gave you a soft smile. You saw him hold up his hand and wondered if it was Seonghwa that sent him after you.
"Mind if I join you?" he asked.
You looked away. You couldn't answer, you were inside yourself now. This was not how the day was supposed to go but then again it always happened like this. Nothing ever went how you wanted it to. You wanted a normal day with happiness and no worries and then splat, right in your face everything got fucked up. She talked to you and your day was fucking ruined. You shouldn't have been suprised that this was the same. Seonghwa was on your lap minutes ago sound asleep and you were just as comfortable as could be running your fingers through his hair.
Damn it I am obvious.
The teasing in her voice was agaonizing. Ju Kyung had sat himself down by now and was sitting in front of you in silence for a moment.
You looked away more trying to ignore his voice.
"Come on kid you're not going to kick me out too are you? " He said.
You opened your mouth but you had nothing to say so you closed it again. He only sighed.
"Alright let's make a deal then, you don't have to tell what happened between you and Seonghwa and in return I'll punch him in the stomach." he said.
"No." you said in a whimper almost hurt that Ju Kyung would say that.
Ju Kyung gave you a soft smile and chuckled a little.
"Ah so you can talk to me. Look I'm serious I won't ask you about it, I doubt you'd tell me anyway."
But I want to.
"How about we go get Ice cream by Han bridge or we can go to that cafe you like where they do the picture in the coffee?" He said.
You gave a soft smile thinking how lucky you were to have a friend like Ju Kyung. He was bribing you to come out but it was because he really cared.
Or does he.
Just saying kid you could be a real burden.
Your smile disappeared and you tried to stand up and stop yourself from crying. You felt so much pressure on you right now. You couldn't be normal but you wanted to be.
"Hey don't do that to me. What did I say? If I didn't say it then it isn't true. You know I care about you so don't start turning away from me." he said standing now.
He brought you into a hug and you finally relaxed. He rubbed your back and rocked you back and forth. You almost felt like he was your big brother taking care of you. Ju Kyung Oppa, he really did care. YOu looked up from him and dried the rest of your tears.
"Sorry." you said.
"No don't apologize. You're calm now right?" He asked.
"Do you want to go dance or is that out of the question now?" he asked.
"I think I rain check. Next time okay." you said.
"Are you going to watch or go home? You know he wants to apolgoize to you right now." he said.
Was he sorry for causing the painc or sorry for kissing you? You weren't sorry he kissed you, you were just confused and it was messing with your head.
"He picked me up, I guess if I go home now he'll have to take me." you said.
"I can leave Yun-Ji here and take you if you want to go now."
"Yun- Ji is here?" you said taking in a deep breath.
You lookd awya from him, you shook your head.
"No I'll take a cab or something I'm sorry." you said.
You hurried past him and he called out to you. You took the path to the entrance of the building. Seonghwa was inside leaning against the wall when he looked up and saw you come in. He tried to come close but you made distance between you two and hurried to the practice room to grab you bag and your phone. Seonghwa followed,
"I won't do it again but can you please just say something to me. I'm sorry for scaring you. I shouldn't have dont that." he said.
He was only making it worse. An apology wasn't what you wanted or needed it at the moment. You took in a deep breath and said,
"It's okay. I'm just going to go home and rest a bit."
"I'll take you back." he said.
"No you stay here with the others,"
His real friends.
"I just need sometime alone." You said.
"Please don't close me out. It was a stupid thing for me to do that before asking you but I don't want you to run away from me." he said.
"I don't- I don't know how to function like a normal human being. I don't know if that was supposed to be some joke that I was supposed to laugh at or-"
"No it wasn't a joke Y/n. I just wasn't thinking."
"It's still confusing Seonghwa. So many things can be a trigger for me and I don't even know how you or Ju Kyung puts up with it and even now everything is just building to the point I just - I don't know how."
You took in a shaky breath. The only thing you could do was create some space to think. He sighed disheartened. He put his hands in his pockets and looked like he was trying to think of something.
"Just let me take you back home okay. I will keep my hands and lips off of you I promise." he said.
You stared at him. You sighed and nodded. He moved out of the way so you could pass him and you walked out of the building again. Ju Kyung had patted your shoulder as you passed him but you didn't say anything to him. He was just suppposed to take you home and that was it. You could make it a car ride to your place and then get some isolation. You got to the car and he unlocked it and you both got in. He headed straight for your place in silence. When he pulled up, you were about to thank him and get out but he said,
"Y/n would you believe me if I told you I thought you were really cute?"
You looked back at him.
"Please don't play games." you said.
"I don't know what I have to do to convince you but I promise you I'm trying. I like you, a lot and more than a friend. It's not the same as Ju Kyung you're like his little sister but to me- to me you're just so special."
YOu gave a half hearted laugh,
"Yeah, special is probably the closet description." you said.
"Not like that Y/N. I'll try and get you to see it for real. My feelings for you are for real. You wouldn't have to hide anything from me or be ashamed. I told you I'd help you through it all you just have to trust me."
Trust no one. He's telling you lies baby girl.
You looked away from him.
"Y/n please don't pull away from me. I want you to understand that how I feel for you is real. No jokes. What ever is inside you telling you that I'm lying ignore it, lock it away, get rid of it because it's wrong. I'm not sure what I have to do to show you that I would move mountains for you but I jst hope one day you'll see it. Try trusting me, I think I'm worth the risk." he said.
You looked back at him. Your heart was fluttering and the nervousness was building up in you but it mixed with the feelings in your heart. The honest feelings that you had been in love with Seonghwa for some time but because of your crippling anxiety you didn't want to admit it. You sat back in the car seat for a second and Seonghwa stared at you. You clenched your fist to summon some will power and you quickly turned and moved forward to kiss him. He seemed a bit surprised by it but he sank into mean while you're heart and mind was going crazy. You pulled away before he could get any deeper. You jumped out of the car with your face all red.
Okay bad idea Y/n very, very bad idea.
You ran into your apartment without looking back and tossed your phone to the other side of the room once you got in before sinking down to the floor against your front door. Your heart was pounding.
That was really stupid. Why would you do that Y/N he just pulled you into a trap you fell for it.
No it felt genuine.
It wasn't. They all lie to you.
That's not true.
"That's not true." you whimpered.
What were you going to do with yourself.