Who: Reader x Lee Seonghwa
What: Angst, Smut (eventually) some fluff.
Story: Social anxiety is the worst thing to deal with. It's amazing you have friends at all but when your crush and friend, Seonghwa, tries to get closer to you your Anxiety and trust issues threaten to push him away.
A week passed by with you staying away from both Ju Kyung and Seonghwa. Ju Kyung had texted you and it took at least two and a half hours to work up the courage to text him back and tell him you were okay. You had gone back to work not having to worry about any issues while you were there. It was the only time your anxiety was quiet. Seonghwa was trying his best to talk to you again. He called you but you wouldn't pick up. He texted you but he wasn't talking about his kiss or yours. He was just trying to get you to say something back to him. He was talking about generic things anything to just get you to text back. He asked you to go to the movies with him and Ju Kyung on Wednesday but you didn't reply to him until the next day and apologized for being late with the response. That gave him some hope that you were replying to him but it was still taking you too long to text back you were just trying to calm yourself down. Every night before you went to bed you thought about his lips on yours, the way his tongue slipped into your mouth effortlessly. The memory was stuck in your head and your Anxiety hated it.
You shouldn't have done it. He probably thinks you're weird now.
No he kissed me first.
As a joke.
Was it a joke?
Of course it was, why would he want you? You're a freak.
You're probably right.
It was Friday now and you didn't want to be alone but now you were. It sucked because you were in the house alone in complete silence but your mind was wandering back to Seonghwa and his kiss. Your Anxiety had mostly been at bay. Any time you decided to text one of the boys she'd jolt up from her nap to tell you to put the phone down and not bother them. They wanted nothing to do with you. Ju Kyung said if he didn't say it then it isn't true. You were just telling yourself lies. That may have been true but they were very convincing lies.
You're pretty selfish you know that. The whole world doesn't revolve around you.
I never said it did.
You expect them to drop everything in their lives to come and baby you. You are just a hindrance. You're wearing them down. It's best if you're not friends with them at all.
But what? You think because of one little kiss it means he has feeling for you.
But he said he did.
He was lying dumbass. Men lie, or should I remind you of the first one you trusted?
Oh God not him again.
Damn it, this voice never shut up. Anytime you wanted some peace, anytime you wanted to call them to hang out, anytime you wanted to be around someone she made you feel like shit. Anytime you wanted to trust someone she reminded you of him. You wanted his face to melt away into the abyss. Your entire world went flip flop when he was in your life. He was the reason you couldn't trust.... Wait, no it went back farther than that. It went back to your family. To the schools you were hauled in and out of. It went back to the cousolers that said everything you told them was just between you and them. It went back to the people you thought were your friends.
Yeah you're right. Everyone betrays me.
Now you're getting it.
Even though nothing serious has happened yet, your heart still hurt. You wanted Seonghwa but he wanted you to trust him... You couldn't give him that. You curled up on the couch and buried your face into the pillow. What were you supposed to do with your life? You looked up for a moment and saw the number seven on the board. A week ago the number was bigger. Now it had shrunk. Your grace period was over. Maybe this is where the worst of it began. You were never sure how it went. There was no real way to track it you just kind of kept a note of it. The words above the number said:
DAYS WITHOUT AN ATTACK
You had made it a week without any panic or anxiety attacks but they anxiety still existed. What were you supposed to do to get rid of this? What were you supposed to do to stop this? You felt alone. You looked around your apartment.
You were alone.
"I hate this." you whispered broken.
"I hate this, I hate this, I hate this."
You cried into the pillow. You were isolated, you couldn't cure it. You had no ability to move on your own. Your doorbell rang making you raise your head from the pillow. It was quiet for a moment then the bell rang again. You quietly got up and slowly walked over to the door. You peered through the peep hole. No one was there but there was a bear in full view on the ground. You stepped back and kind of wondered if you should open the door or not. Maybe you'll wait a little to make sure the person's gone. You stood there with your hand reached out to the doorknob but not opening it just yet. You wiped your tears with your other hand. This was nerve wrecking as well.
Just open the damn door.
You swallowed hard and reached out for the door. You opened it up and pushed the screen door open and reached out for the bear.
You jumped back scared.
"Sorry, sorry. I just knew you wouldn't open the door if you knew I was here." Seonghwa said.
You had the arm of the bear in your hand as you stared at him then you looked away. Seonghwa sighed,
"I've missed you." he said.
You reached for the door but he grabbed your arm to pull you back.
"I know I messed up by kissing you out of no where but I think we could work something out." he said.
"Please don't joke."
"I told you it wasn't a joke. You kissed me too so that means you feel something too or were you joking?" he smiled.
"Don't say that!" you said embarrassed and flustered.
He chuckled softly and cupped your cheek. His touch was so gentle you wanted to melt. You wanted to bend to his will rather than Anxiety. She was quiet for the moment. He stepped closer to you. He grabbed your wrists and lifted them so that you could wrap your arms around the bear.
"It's for you." he said.
You gave him a small smile but buried your face in the back of the bears head. He shook his head and gently lifted your face.
"I miss that smile. You were smiling in the practice room. You looked really cute."
"I really want to kiss you right now." he whispered coming down to your lips.
Your heart stopped, fluttered and found a quick pace leaving you breathless. He hovered his lips over yours and looked deep into your eyes. He was being careful not to spook you like last time. Last time it was because he caught you off guard and it came from no where. Your kiss, you wanted to tell him you liked him too but the words wouldn't form and you just took a leap hoping you could portray those feelings in your actions. You had gotten so embarrassed and flustered that you couldn't follow through with the same kind of kiss. You had stopped thinking for the moment. With his lips just hovering there, you were in anticipation for them to return. You wanted it again, soft like velvet and plush ravishing your lips like he would take them from you. He moved closer cautiously and you found yourself leaning forward to feel them meet yours. His lips covered yours and your eyes closed. His tongue swiped your lip to ask for access and you gasped, still unfamiliar with the feeling. Your mouth opened and his tongue entered to search like there was treasure to find inside. His tongue met yours and glided over it. Your heart felt like it was swelling it was racing. His lips went a little harder and you dropped the bear for a second to hold onto him. You felt your body getting a little weak and your legs felt like they were there anymore. Your body was warm and his arms wrapped around your body. He hummed on your lips surprising you and when you moved back a little he came down more so the kiss could continue. He was taking you, eating you up. Your arms shook while holding onto him and he held onto you. It felt so good, it felt right.
You pulled away to catch your breath. You were in shock and panting. You stepped away from him to lean against the railing on the side of your house. You swallowed while staring down at the ground. You didn't mean to drop the bear but you couldn't hold onto anything.
"Just breathe. " He said.
You were still shaking but it wasn't the normal anxiety shaking, your body was just in a rush. It was the first time you felt like this. It was different.
No you had felt this once before but you weren't shaking then. You were worried when it was with him but then the shaking that started was because of fear. Immediate fear. He didn't stop though, he told you to push through it.
Now you were starting to panic. Your heart started racing with memories you didn't need. Seonghwa came to you just as he saw the panic rising. Your breathing was uneven and it felt like the wind had been taken out of you and you were searching for it. Your hands were shaking in the normal way you felt before.
"Hey, hey listen to me. I'm right here Y/n you did good." he said touching your shoulder.
He bent over a little so he could meet your face and look you in the eyes. You stared back into his trying to find some sort of safety.
"Just breathe, we'll take it slow okay. It's okay. There you go." he said.
Your panic settled finally but it wasn't at its peak where it was hard to get you to calm down which was better. It still counted as an attack. You sighed, you had to change the number again, back to zero. He handed you the bear again and you smiled softly at him.
"You're doing better, we can be like this can't we? I can call you my girlfriend and you can call me your boyfriend?" he said.
"I did that before, it didn't end well." you said softly.
"Not all guys are the same. The ones that care stick around even when things get tough." he said with a bigger smile.
His smile was so beautiful. You smiled a little bigger back at him. He cupped your face and kissed your forehead.
"I'll be yours and you'll be mine okay? Nothing else matters."
"You won't get tired of me?" you asked.
"Never." he said.
He grabbed your hand and opened the door to lead you inside your house. This was probably the first time he was inside your place. He looked around, there wasn't much there to begin with. Everything was pretty clean though. He looked at you and smiled. You took the lead, you supposed you had to since it was your place. You walked him past your small open kitchen and into the living room. You sat down on the couch feeling self concious and not really sure what you should do next. You held onto the bear and sat in the silence.
"Tell me what I can't do Y/n." Seonghwa said.
You looked up at him confused.
"I don't want you feeling so uncomfortable and if I can ease the anxiety even a little I'd like to. If I know where the boundaries are then I can steer clear of causing an attack like last time." he said.
"I don't really know, so many things are triggers I don't really know how to warn you about them."
"Well taking you by surprise is a noted one." He said with a little chuckle.
You gave him a half smile.
"I- it'll come out of no where sometimes. It's hard to give a warning. For moments at a time I'll be happy and I feel relief and then just out of no where it feels like I'm being crushed with fear and doubts. Even now I'm wondering if this is even a good idea. I'm not good at trusting people. I'll want to be left alone for a while. I won't want to talk but when I do I can't pick up the phone and be the one to ask to hang out. It's too hard." You said.
"Being alone won't fix anything you know that. You don't have to be surrounded but everyone but I worry about you sometimes."
"Oh don't tell me that I'll only freak out." you said.
You were feeling a bit anxious now.
"Y/N I like you. I really like you so I want to help you. So I'll make you a deal I'll let you be alone for up to two days before I come bother you." he said.
"You don't bother me." you said.
"Yeah well just wait." He laughed.
You smiled at him. He opened his arms out towards you and you looked at him.
"Come here." he said happy.
You scooted over cautiously and he wrapped his arms around you. He pulled your head down to his chest and grabbed the remote and turned on one of the movie channels.
"For now we'll just be like this okay." he said.
He kissed the top of your head and you snuggled up against him more.
She was quiet.
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