Who: Reader x Lee Seonghwa
What: Angst, Smut (eventually) some fluff.
Story: Social anxiety is the worst thing to deal with. It's amazing you have friends at all but when your crush and friend, Seonghwa, tries to get closer to you your Anxiety and trust issues threaten to push him away.
Seonghwa realized that going slow might've been better for her. Obviously something happened in a past realtionship that she wasn't willing to share and even less she couldn't get past it. It was hard to get her to trust him though. He wanted her to open up more to him; he really thought he could help. Maybe he could take her to therapy but if she didn't trust him then she wouldn't trust a thearpist. Still that might've been the only way to really help her get past all this anxiety. He wondered what she was thinking when she got that anxious.
The week flew by with him and her dating, he mostly met her at her house and sat with her on the couch. He had her curl up into his arms and lay on his chest while they watched some drama or movie that was on television. He sang her to sleep one night and he swore she looked so peaceful. Since they hadn't been seen in public together as a couple, Seonghwa asked her to come out to the cafe with him and Ju Kyung. He thought about going to get her but he wanted to see if she'd get out of the house on her own. He wasn't trying to force her to do anything but he wanted to help her take the steps necessary to break from this protective bubble she kept herself in. He had sent her the text to meet them at the cafe at one o'clock which was a lie he anticipated her not showing up until at least three but he was going to show up around two just in case she did come out early. She hadn't texted him back which was normal for her. She was probably pacing back and forth in the living room wondering whether or not she should go. He sent her a very straight forward text but he ended it with he would be waiting for her to show up.
Was that too much pressure on her?
He wasn't quite sure, he was just hoping it would give her enough of a boost to come out and actually join them. Seonghwa told Ju Kyung not to bring Yun-Ji he wanted Y/n comfortable not freaking out. They walked into the cafe talking amongst themselves when Ju Kyung held out his hand and stopped Seonghwa from walking.
"What?" he asked.
"Man look." Ju Kyung said pointing in front of them.
He turned his head to see Y/N was already there. She had her hair curled and drapped over one end. Hyun Jung was with her. She was looking up at a man that was talking to Y/n. Y/n was just kind of staring and talking back to the guy but she seemed uncomfortable with him talking to her. Seonghwa was still in shock that she had shown up so early normally she took a few hours to prepare herself. She was wearing a beautiful white dress with yellow and blue flowers on it; she looked like a little angel sitting there with her legs pressed together and shifted to oneside. He was walking up to them with Ju Kyung. A smile was on his face as he watched her. Even if she seemed nervous, she still looked so beautiful to him. The light was hitting her and Hyun Jung and made it seem like they were the only two girls in the cafe. Girls were watching him and Ju Kyung come in, they were so fascinated by them walking towards her but he was hoping no one would walk over. She would get nervous. He'd been out with her before but he intended to show a little more affection so that people, especially the women, would get that he only saw one woman in this entire world and it was her.
The guy talking to her had leaned over to whisper in her ear; she shifted back a little. Her face seemed to be getting worse. It controted in displeasure and Seonghwa knew what was to come next. Ju Kyung and him both hurried over to her. Ju Kyung caught the guy's shoulder and pulled him away from her while Seonghwa knelt down to look at her.
"Are you okay?" He asked holding her face in his hands.
She stared at him; her breathing was a little ragged but she hadn't completely went into an anxiety attack. Seonghwa was annoyed though. He shouldn't have been that close to her in the first place.
"What's the problem?" Ju Kyung said defensive.
"Hey no problem I was just talking to her. What, are you her boyfriend?" he said chuckling.
"No I am and if you come near her again I'll break your arm." Seonghwa said completely serious.
The guy looked at Y/n, her head was down and her eyes were closed. He saw her counting to herself. She was evening out her breathing. She was tuning him out, thank God! Seonghwa stepped in front of her.
"Hey don't look at her I'm talking to you. Leave her alone you get that?" Seonghwa snapped.
The guy looked at Seonghwa and grinned. He looked back at Y/n and said,
"I'll tell Myung Joon you said hi yeah?" He laughed.
"Soo Hyuk! Don't!" she stood up shaking.
He walked off not caring to hear her plea. She sat down, now the panic had set in. She was crying. Seonghwa knelt down and came to her he cupped her face but she tried wiping her eyes.
"Y/n?" Hyun Jung said softly.
She felt bad seeing her in this state.
"Who was that guy?" Ju Kyung asked.
She was crying too hard to respond to anything. A waiter came over and handed her a tissue so she could dry her eyes but her anxiety wasn't stopping; her breathing was way too erratic.
"Y/n listen to me you need to breathe okay. That's all that's important." he said.
She tried standing to get away from him but he stood up and hugged her. She lightly hit her hand against his chest while burrying her face in his chest. He rubbed her back to get her to stop. Her breathing was hard. Ju Kyung came up to them,
"Sing." he told him.
"Just do it, get her breathing in order or she'll pass out. Just sing."
Seonghwa started singing a lullabye while Ju Kyung held her by the shoulders. Her eyes looked dazed, like she wasn't even there. She was tensed up though and she was hyperventilating. Ju Kyung had her breathe in through her nose and counted to six then had her exhale while he counted to seven. He kept doing that until her hyperventilating stopped. Mid way through the lullaby she stopped crying and focused on the breathing that Ju Kyung had her doing. She was finally calm and Seonghwa hugged her tight. She gripped onto his shirt and just stood with him there. She must've felt a little embarrassed; she tried to keep her face buried in his chest. Seonghwa kissed the top of her head and kept her calm.
"I want to go home." she said softly.
He looked at her, her face was in his hands and he just nodded without argument. He felt so bad though, she looked so pretty in her dress. She was so beautiful they could've talked and he could've shown her off a little as his girlfriend but that Jackass, Soo hyuk she called him, he ruined it. Who was Myung Joon anyway? He took her to his car and told Ju Kyung he'd be back to get him but Ju Kyung told him to stay with Y/n and he'd take a cab back with Hyun Jung. He was probably going to ask Hyun Jung what had happened before they got there. Seonghwa got her in the car and she stayed silent the entire ride. She stared out the window with sleepy eyes. The tears must've worn her down. That was a lot of stress at once for her to deal with.
"I'm sorry." she said with a scratchy voice.
"Please don't apologize. It wasn't your fault."
"I'm embarassing to be around. I can't handle myself alone, just being around people is so exhausting for me. I'm always just- You shouldn't be with me." She said.
He caught her chin and pulled her close to him; he hovered his lips just over hers. He looked into her tired eyes and waited for a second before he leaned in to kiss her. He kissed her slowly molding his lips over hers. He kissed her softly so she wouldn't get startled. He pulled away from her wet lips and she looked at him sadly.
"We can figure something out." he said.
She nodded. He got out of the car and opened her door for her when he made it to her side. He took her to the living room once they got in the house and he let her lay there on his chest.
"I have to change the number to zero again."
"That's okay. If you make it to day three we'll go out for ice cream." he said kissing the top of her head.
She chuckled but drifted to sleep in his arms. He looked down at her. He wanted so desprately to help her. He wanted to touch her more. He wanted to help her he just didn't know how. She had fallen asleep within ten minutes of being at the house. He carried her into her bedroom and laid her down. He covered her with a blanket and kissed her forehead before going back into the living room. Ju Kyung called him,
"Hey." Seonghwa said.
"Is she okay?"
"She's asleep right now. What's wrong with you? You sound twice as pissed as before?" he asked.
"I talked to Hyun Jung. She said that guy was making a lot of comments that made her uncomfortable. He kept talking like he knew her but he was referring to someone and she seemed to know who he meant. I knew when he said the name it sounded it familiar." he growled into the phone.
"Hold on Ju Kyung what are you talking about? Do you know who that Myung Joon guy is?" he asked.
"He's the bastard that took her first time." He said.
"She doesn't go in depth, anytime she thinks about him she automatically loses it. That's why she panicked back there. I'm guessing that's his asshole of a friend. Fucking pisses me off." Ju Kyung seethed over the phone.
Seonghwa headed outside for a second and sat down at the front porch.
"How did you know the guy's name?"
"It was back when we first met she got drunk and let it slip but when I tried asking her about it again she closed up completely. She just flipped. Fuck between him and Yun- Ji causing problems with her I don't know what to do anymore." He said.
"We'll figure something out."
"How? She's my friend but she doesn't trust me. She'll never trust you the way you want her to she's to blocked. Her anxiety is controlling her life and it's frustrating trying to help her when I don't know what to do and she won't help us help her."
Seonghwa felt a little irritated by that. Was Ju Kyung giving up on her? He would only be proving her point right. He would only be showing her that her not trusting anyone, including the ones that called themselves her friends, was the right way to go. He couldn't just jump out of this like it was no big deal or like he just couldn't handle it. It was frustrating . It was frustrating for Seonghwa too because he knew that she liked him but she didn't trust him but he had done nothing to earn her distrust and he was doing everything in his power to get her to see that she could trust him. They had been friends for a full year but it was hard to get close to her. Ju Kyung and her had been friends for two years the last thing he thought was that he would consider just droping out on her because he was frustrated with the situation. Life got hard, the punches came even harder and before they knew it they'd be rolling in the dirt but right now Y/n had it much worse she was literally trapped inside herself by herself. She was constantly at war in her own mind and she wanted that sense of normality. She wanted to be free of this painful curse of hers but she didn't know how to break it and Seonghwa was at a loss himself but he wanted to help her. He wanted to be with her. He loved her far more than she was letting him and far more than she knew but he loved her.
"You can't just leave her it's things like that, that make her not trust people at all." Seonghwa said.
"I'm not saying I'm leaving her. I would never stop being her friend but damn it there has to be another way. She's so fragile right now and if he comes back into her life I don't know- I don't know what will happen." he said.
"What happened? Did he just break up with her after it?" Seonghwa asked confused.
Ju Kyung couldn't just be upset at the fact that this guy had taken her first time. Seonghwa was a little disappointed that it wasn't him but he wasn't harping on it. She was innocent still and worth loving anyway. So what really happened? Ju Kyung sighed over the phone.
"He was rough with her. Too rough not just for someone with anxiety but for her to be a virgin he was too rough with her. He told her to just bare with it. I don't think she told him to stop but we know her. Her face shows when she's uncomfortable. She said he only stopped when she started hyperventialting. He had caused her to have an attack right in the middle of it. She left him." Ju Kyung said.
"That explains even more why she freaked when I first kissed her. Damn it I feel like an ass." Seonghwa admitted.
"It's not your fault she didn't tell you. You didn't know."
"But I knew about her anxiety, it's like I did the same thing. She kept thinking that I was joking about wanting to be with her. Maybe she still feels that way. I just don't know how to show her that I mean every word I said to her." Seonghwa said.
"There's got to be a way. We could try getting her some help. "
"I don't know how open she'd be to thearpy."
"Well they have medications for this kind of stuff. Traquilzers, something." Ju Kyung said.
"Wait I think you're on to something. I'll call you back tomorrow okay. "
"Alright." he said.
He hung up the phone and went into the house to leave her a note when she woke up. He didn't want her thinking he abadoned her because she had an attack or something. She'd find a way to blame herself. Anxiety wouldn't let her think rationally. She'd tell herself that he didn't really care and that he had run off even when he told her he'd never leave her. She was going to feel bad, he knew she was but he was thinking of how to help her so he had to go. He walked out quietly and headed to a clinic he'd passed a while back. He had walked by it a few times and didn't think much of it but now he was sure there was someone in there he could talk to.
He walked into the building to see peachy pink walls and lamps with warm light turned on despite the fast that the sun was bursting through the windows. There were people sitting in a waiting area reading magazines. One girl was sitting by herself, making herself small and she was staring at the floor. She must've had anxiety too because Y/n did the same thing. When new people came around, when she was enjoying a conversation with him and Ju Kyung she immeditately shut down and stopped talking. He was annoyed that Myung Joon was the guy that took her first time and instead of comforting her, instead of helping her through it and easing her into something so initmate he took her hard and told her to push past it. He was annoyed anyone had touched her before he did. He figured she was still a virgin because of her anxiety and even more because she was so caught off guard from his kiss.
He walked up to the front desk in the center of the building's floor. A woman with brown hair pulled back into a bun sat at the front looking at her computer typing something down. A woman with long black straight hair was standing behind her with a clipboard in her hand she was standing by the printer waiting for something to come out of it. She was dressed up professionally so Seonghwa figured she was a therapist. He made it to the front and the woman at the computer looked up at him and smiled big,
"Hi, how can I help you?" she asked politely.
"Hi, um- I was looking for someone that could maybe help me. My girlfriend has severe social anxiety, she has panic attacks and they get really bad. A friend of ours said that there's possible medication to help her." He said.
"How severe is it?" the woman standing behind the recepitionist asked.
She over heard the conversation and become intrested suddenly. The receptionist looked back at her when she said something. Seonghwa straightend and cleared his throat,
"Um, it takes her hours to text back and to even meet us at certain places because she's too scared. When she does come out with us, it takes a while for her come out of her shell. If someone new comes up to us she'll immeditately go back in it. She'll stop talking in the middle of a sentence just because she thinks that none of us care even when we've been paying attention to every word she says. I tried taking her to a party once and she had an anxiety attack to the point she ran away before even stepping through the door." he explained.
"Describe the attacks." she said.
"Um she cries, it's the kind of heartbreaking cry where you want to do everything you can to help you just don't know how. She hyperventilates when it gets really bad. She shakes, so much you can see it. She shakes hard." he said.
"How do you get her calm?"
"Normally I just try and get her to settle her breathing. Today I had seen it at its worse. Someone triggered it and she was just really scared. Um, my friend had me sing to her while he helped her control her breathing. He counted for her."
The woman looked Seonghwa up and down and then looked at the receptionist that was looking back at her.
"Yoo Ra when's my next appointment?" She asked her.
"You have one last one at six. It's a half hour session." the receptionist answered after checking her schedule on the computer in front of her.
"You're in luck. I'm assuming you girlfriend isn't here now is she?"
Seonghwa shook his head.
"Well I'm not going to give you medication off the back I need to evaluate that for myself. You can either bring her here before my next appointment or I can go to her. Considering she takes a bit to leave the house I'd suggest the second option."
"Thank you." he said.
"My name is Dr. Kim by the way. Kim Soo Ran. Whichever you perfer. What's your girlfriend's name?" Soo Ran asked as she walked around from the front desk.
She had held onto her clipboard and she was grabbing her keys and bag. She was already on her way out anyway.
"It's Y/F/N. I'm Seonghwa by the way." he answered.
She stopped and looked at him,
"Oh, Y/n. So you must be friends with Sun Ju Kyung then." she said.
"You know him?"
"He came in here a few months ago asking the same questions. I believe he set up an appointment for her but then called to cancel it because he couldn't get her out of the house. She was refusing to leave. She has some very deep trust issue. I assume she thought he violated them." she said.
"I don't think so. Even if he did Y/n has never thought a ill thing about Ju Kyung. He's like an older brother to her." he explained walking out of the building and leading her to his car.
"Yes well siblings can fight." Soo Ran smiled.
"Not Y/n. She doesn't do confrontation at all. The first sign of it and she closes up and runs off. She doesn't like it."
Soo Ran and Seonghwa got in the car and he drove to her place.
"How isolated is she?" Soo Ran asked as they headed to her place.
"She just has three friends me included."
"I'm not sure. She doesn't talk about them. If we ask she closes up more. She won't talk about before she met us." He answered.
She was writing that down on her clipboard. She seemed to be thinking about how she was going to talk to her once they were there. She was quiet for the rest of the way and when she saw Y/n's place she simply stared for a moment before checking her watch. She got out of the car and Seonghwa led her up to the front door. He knocked on it to see if she'd open up. He was hoping she was awake by now. He knew where the spare key was but he didn't want to get it out in front of Soo Ran, Y/n would be comfortable with that.
"Y/n it's me, open up." he said.
She was probably behind the door contemplating whether or not to open it.
"It's okay. I want to be with you babe. Open up let me come in." he said softly.
The door cracked open but it didn't move any further. Seonghwa looked at Soo Ran. She was looking at the door then looked up at him. He nodded and pushed the door open and walked inside with Soo Ran following behind her. He walked over to see her standing in the kitchen with her back facing him. He came up to her and hugged her from behind. He kissed the back of her head.
"I need you to work with me okay. I've brought someone with me." he whispered.
He felt her tense immediately. He started to pet the back of her head to keep her calm.
"It's okay. She's going to help you okay. You just have to be open to it. Please baby." he cooed in her ear.
He turned her around to face him and pecked her lips. She was calm for now.
"Seonghwa." she said softly.
She looked him in the eyes and he smiled at her. She gave him a soft smile back.
"Come on. Let's go." he said.
He pulled her into the living room and Soo Ran followed. She pulled up a chair in front of Y/n and Seonghwa. Y/n just stared at the floor. Seonghwa kissed the side of her head.
"Hello Y/n my name is Kim Soo Ran."
"Hello." she said in a small voice bowing her head to Soo Ran.
"Seonghwa tells me you're having some problems with your anxiety. Can you enlighten me?" she asked.
Y/n stared at her for a second, she looked away. Her breath was a little shaky like she was going to cry. She stared off at the other side of the room.
"Y/n, it's okay. She only wants to help." Seonghwa said.
He held her hand but he heard her whisper,
Soo Ran was quiet but watched her reaction. She was taking notes while watching her. Y/n suddenly stood up.
"I don't wanna do this." She said.
Her breathing was off balance. Seonghwa stood up and hugged her. Soo Ran sighed,
"Seonghwa you can calm her down. Sit her back on the couch." she said.
He coaxed Y/n to sit back down. She wasn't bad but she was having anxiety and it was rising.
"Hold both her hands in yours." She said.
He did as she asked.
"Look at her and count for her. Six seconds, inhale through your nose Y/n seven seconds out through your mouth. Do it until her breathing is in order." she said.
He looked in her eyes and began to count. Her hands were trembling a little but it wasn't as severe as it was earlier today. She was finally calm after a few minutes of breathing and she looked at him almost ashamed of herself.
"I'm sorry, I don't want to be like this." She said upset.
"It's alright don't beat yourself up. You can get through it, I'll help you." he said.
"Why are you with me? I'm a freak." she said tearing up.
"No you're not. You're Y/n, you're all I see. I want to help you, you just have to try and work with me okay. Remember I said we can go slow. I'll help." he said.
"What happens when you get tired of helping me?"
"I won't. You're my girl it's my responsibility to help you no matter what."
He stood up and kissed her forehead.
"Y/n I'd like to help you but I need you to try and be a little more open to it. If you like I can come back here next week and we can talk. Seonghwa can be here too if you like. There's medication I can give you, it'll help you relax more. It's a tranqulizer, I normally put them in cookies for my clients that need them."
Her eyes kind of grew big. Seonghwa smiled biting back the laugh that he wanted to release. She had a sweet tooth so cookies would be what made her eyes light up.
"Here's what I want you to do for the next week Seonghwa you should help her. This will help you stay a little more relaxed. You have to try and eliminate the stress that comes with dealing with other people. So ten minutes, twice a day, if you can, meditate. Either have soothing music in the background or just silence. I want you to focus on calming your breathing and destressing okay." Soo Ran said.
"Let's see how you make it this past week and then we'll go from there." She said.
Soo Ran stood up and walked over to the front door. Seonghwa brushed Y/n's hair back and gave her a soft smile,
"I'll be right back okay." he said.
Seonghwa headed to the front door.
"I guess you have to get back to your office. Thanks so much for coming out here. What do I owe you?"
"Nothing, it's on the house this time. I'll talk about it later for now I need to hurry and get food before I have to be back for my appointment." she said.
"Alright well let me get the keys."
"No that's okay you stay with her. I saw some cabs coming down this street I can take one back to the office. " She said.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, she's going to need you right now. Seonghwa, just seeing how quickly her anxiety reacts with just one person I think giving her medication is unavoidable but I want you to make sure that she's careful with it. Sometimes they effect moods to the point where the user gets lazy or depressed. It's supposed to calm her stress but don't let her over use it okay. Here's my card, you call me when she's decided to make the appointment." she said.
"Of course." Seonghwa nodded.
Soo Ran smiled and walked out the door. He supposed she was going to give it to her next time. He was hoping she was open to a next time. He walked back into the living room to see her laying down on the couch. He came over to sit down next to her and she lifted up so he could sit and then laid down on his lap. She turned to look up at him and he took her hand and locked their fingers together. Her other hand rested on her stomach.
"Ju Kyung tried to get me to go to therapy a while ago." she said.
"Yeah I know, she was the one you were susppoed to see. She remembered your name." he said.
"He tried to get me out of the house but I just kept thinking about all the people that would see me walk in there. I just-"
"Hey listen to me. Everyone has problems it makes us human but we can get through them. What everyone else thinks, it doesn't matter. What matters is helping you through this so that you're not suffering anymore." he said.
"I hate feeling trapped like this. Even in my own home I'm still just being tormented." she said.
"Then I'll visit you everyday. I'll stay over if you want me to. I silence her voice and keep you alive."
"I'm drowing Seonghwa, do you really think you can save me?"
"I really think I can because I'm sure as hell not going to watch you sink."
He leaned down and lifted her head a bit so that his lips could meet hers in a tender kiss. She held his hand tighter and the hand on her stomach came up to his cheek to caress it. She kissed him back in a way that she hadn't before, she was looking for a little more than she normally did. That made him happy, she had gotten used to kissing him. He gifted her with a smile as he stared into her eyes. She was his...
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