Who: Reader x Lee Seonghwa
What: Angst, Smut (eventually) some fluff.
Story: Social anxiety is the worst thing to deal with. It's amazing you have friends at all but when your crush and friend, Seonghwa, tries to get closer to you your Anxiety and trust issues threaten to push him away.
Hyun Jung had dropped by your place out of no where that day and asked you to join her out to go shopping. You weren't really feeling up to it but she eventually coaxed you out of the house with her. She helped you get ready and curled your hair for you and chose your dress. She basically played dress up with you and once she had you all dolled up she took you outside to go shopping. She wasn't looking for anything specific she just wanted to kind of hang out but she was talking so much that you weren't really thinking at all. It was a relief that you didn't have to think so much. You functioned better when you didn't have to think. If your mind was blank you were fine. Throughout most of the time, Hyun Jung was talking about working with some guy named Jay Park; she complained that he was a real playboy but that he was really sweet to her and he treated her like a little sister. He was always flirting with some woman that came into the area. Him and Ju Kyung were friends too because of Hyun Jung and Jay's connection but he consistently went out of his way to make sure Jay never came near you she admited. You smiled at that, Ju Kyung was certainly protective of you. Unfortunately, he wasn't that protective when it came to Yun- Ji. He gave her looks when she said nasty things to you but he never really told her to stop. Maybe he did it when you weren't around but she made you uncomfortable so you avoided being around her or even talking to her as much as possible. When he started dating her, you started going around Seonghwa more often. He was safe territrory. You got Seonghwa's text some time midday that he wanted you to go to the cafe with him and Ju Kyung. Hyun Jung was just mentioning she wanted to get something to eat so you showed her the text and she told you two to go. You were out already it wasn't like you could really refuse, besides you wanted to see Seonghwa.
You guys got there around one twenty but they weren't there. You took a seat in the middle of the cafe and Hyun Jung said she'd wait to order until they got there. She started talking to you again about her job and you just listened to her but in the back of your mind you were wondering why Seonghwa was the one that was late. You talked to her a little bit about work but your anxiety kind of got to you in the middle of the conversation. You wondered if she cared. You had trailed off in the middle of speaking and she chuckled,
"You do that all the time. Keep talking Y/n i'm listening." she said.
"It's not that I don't think you're not listening but I just don't think it's interesting." you said.
She giggled softly.
"You're such a sweet girl Y/N I just wish you had a little more confidence in yourself." she said
"Yeah that's what a lot of people keep saying." You said half heartedly.
She sighed softly but gave you a smile. She was about to go back to talking when someone walked over to you two. You got quiet immeditately but it became worse when you looked up and saw that it was Soo Hyuk. He was friend's with your ex boyfriend Myung Joon. The memories hit you hard the moment you saw him and your heart picked up its pace. Your hands were clenched and you were a statue. He started talking to you, reminding you of Myung Joon and you did everything you could to keep yourself together and not cry. He never said his name which you were thankful for because Hyun Jung was there but you were wanting so badly for him to leave. You remembered Soo Hyuk always took jabs at you and your family issues. He was even worse when he found out you were a virigin. He called you a prude and inexperinced. He always told Myung Joon to dump you and Myung Joon never really said a word to stop him from the teasing. You always felt like Myung Joon regreted being with you. Back then your social anxiety wasn't as bad, it was there but it wasn't so easily sparked it usually took a little more pressure but now you just didn't trust anyone as much as you wanted to or used to. He talked to you so casually like you two were friends but you were anything but.
You hate him don't you? He's one of the reasons why you're like this.
I really need you to shut up right now.
Oh you think just because Seonghwa is dating you that you're a big girl now? Don't make me laugh Y/n you're still just as pathetic as this asshole is saying you are.
I'm getting better.
You're getting worse, with every waking second. He hasn't seen the scars but Myung Joon has. He knows you're weak. He'll come back.
I really don't need you doing this to me right now!
What a weak little girl you are. No wonder you're so annoying to everyone around you.
It got to a point that you weren't even really listening to Soo Hyuk for a moment. When he leaned over into your ear to tell you Myung Joon was in town looking for you, you felt like dying. You were trying to keep calm you didn't want to freak out here but why was he looking for you? You didn't even see when Seonghwa approached, you just saw his face in front of yours asking you if you were okay. You couldn't even muster up the strength to say that you weren't okay. When he told you that he'd tell Myung Joon he saw you your anxiety sky rocketed you were begging him not to but he wouldn't hear it; he liked to watch you squirm. Your heart was breaking down and beating faster than you wanted it to. It was hurting you and Seonghwa was right there holding you. You wanted to get away from him so people didn't see the woman he called his girlfriend having a mental breakdown. Ju Kyung helped get you calm too, when Seonghwa started singing to you your body was relaxing. His voice was like liquid gold. His voice was relaxing to the point that your tears had stopped. Mixed with Ju Kyung's counting to get your breathing in order you were calm all over again but you were so embarssed to be seen like this in the public you hid your face in his shirt. You figured he'd ask you about Soo Hyuk when you got home but he wasn't worried about that.
Your mind was wracked with guilt. You two were supposed to be at the cafe to hang out and you ended up leaving early because you couldn't control your anxiety.
You ruin everything, don't you know that?
I'm not listening to you I already feel like shit.
As you should. He's here in quiet isolation with you because you can't handle your damn emotions.
That's not my fucking fault, you're the one pushing it out of me!
Anxiety was getting her way but the whole episode had worn you out so much that you had fallen asleep. When you woke up, you woke up to a note from Seonghwa telling you he'd gone out for something but he promised to come back and see you.
So do you want to continue the little conversation?
No not particularlly.
You know this will never work though right? Eventually he'll get tried of having to save you.
Then just let me enjoy having him now.
Won't that hurt you more? To fall in love with him and then have to let him go. You get hurt when you get close.
I get hurt when I have no one so my life is just one fucking ball of hurt. Is that why you're here? To continue to remind me about how I am everybody'sgoddamn mistake.
You are a mistake. Foreign blood and the product of lust, you knew it then you know it now. If you don't want to continue living like this, then why do you?
She whispered those thoughts into your mind again so subtly. You didn't want to leave this all behind you just didn't want to feel that pain. Leaving your family was supposed to be the relief you needed, the beginning of a new life for you. No more fights, no more bullies, no more lies. You weren't free no matter how far from the problem you moved. The fact of the matter was that you were in every definition of the word, a mistake.
In your dispair, your moment of weakness, you went to the kitchen and grabbed the knife to carve another line into your skin you were stopped by Seonghwa's voice calling out to you to open the door. You stood there wondering...
What were you about to do?
You placed the knife back and walked to the door and peeked through to see him standing there. You heard him say he wanted to be with you. You wanted to be with him too but damn it you were so weak, so wrong for him and his image. He was building himself up and you were just going to ruin all of that. Your selfishness took over though. The moment Anxiety tried to speak you shut her up and cracked the door open. You were with him, you wanted him. You wanted to try and enjoy being with him.
Because no matter what it's going to hurt either way. I might as well let it hurt sweetly.
She didn't talk back. You were back in the kitchen facing the other way. Silence. She was silent for once. She wasn't gone but she was silent. She didn't stay that way for very long. The moment Soo Ran started talking to you, trying to help you she came back.
See he has to go and get someone to fix you because you're pissing him off.
You tried to flee from it but Seonghwa and Soo Ran got you calmed down. His kisses to your forehead and your lips were so relaxing. Soo Ran said there was medication you could take for this. If you took it did that mean that Anxiety went away? Her voice would be gone.
I want to be rid of you.
You'll miss me. You're too used to feeling pain. You'll miss it, you'll come back.
No. I love him and he wants me to get better. He's all I want. So I won't want you back.
She slept. The moment he kissed you she slept...
You had Seonghwa help you do the meditation that she asked you to do. Your stress level felt like it had gone down some. Anxiety came back for her visits but she didn't stay for long. At least not when Seonghwa was around. Soo Ran came back to your house after you told Seonghwa that you'd meet with her again. He was so happy to see that you were willing to try it. The first meeting was really hard to deal with though. She told Seonghwa that he had to expose you to the things you feared the most. The social anxiety that existed in you. She wanted you to be exposed to it but in certain levels. She started you out with having to start and hold a conversation with someone other than Seonghwa. So Seonghwa took you to visit Ju Kyung. He sat you two in the practice room alone and Ju Kyung wasn't allowed to say anything until you started a conversation. She said once you found a point where you could relax enough to talk to one person she would have you talk to two people. It would be the same thing, being in a room with two people instead of one and they couldn't say anything until you started the conversation. She said the objective was to reduce your fear of being surrounded by people. You didn't have to like them, you didn't have to trust them she just wanted to reduce the fear that was causing your anxiety attacks to get so bad. Seonghwa took you through the process like he was supposed to. Every day he sat you in the pracitice room with Ju Kyung until you were able to start a conversation. That was the most stressful thing you could ever go through. She gave you a tranquilzer at the end of the first week to help reduce the stress levels but she told you it was puposely a low dosage. She wanted you to still be in the kind of uncomfortable area. When you could pass the first stage, she'd judge whether or not she'd have to lower it or raise it a bit. She did this trick with patients that had arachnophobia. Step by step she made them think about spiders until they were calm then look at a picture of a spider till they were calm, then a video, then a catpured live one and then, if they could manage it, touching one until the phobia was gone.
She was training your mind so that it wouldn't be afraid of people. That didn't help the trust issues but it started somewhere. A solid month had passed by when you were finally able to start a conversation with one person in the room. When Seonghwa came over, you were able to begin talking to him. He noticed you smiling more often so he'd always praise you or compliment you on it when he saw it. He kissed you a little more. You were becoming more comfortable with that too. It got to the point where he didn't have to pause before he kissed you so that you could prepare he would just kiss you. You were so happy that Myung Joon hadn't shown up. Perhaps Soo Hyuk was just screwing with you telling you that he was in Seoul looking for you.
"We should go see the lights at Han bridge." you said to Seonghwa.
You two were walking down the street holding hands and you had been in a good mood all day. Your anxiety was less, you had a few moments where you became uncomfortable, you even walked off when someone started talking to Seonghwa because you couldn't handle it but you were getting better at calming yourself. You were in a yellow dress and the sun was setting, you two were headed for Sky Rose garden again. You were going to see a movie after coffee.
"We can go, I've never been to see the lights." Seonghwa said.
You looked up at him and he was looking at you with a big grin. You stopped and looked at him confused.
"Is there something on my face?" you asked as you wiped your face with your free hand.
He pulled your hand away from your face and came down to your lips in a swift movement. His lips covered yours, his tongue parted them and slipped inside like a snake and a sound you'd never made for him came out. You pulled away blushing and covering your mouth. He chuckled,
"Did you just moan for me kitten?" he teased.
"Kitten?" you asked.
"Yeah. You're a kitten to me. A cute Kitten. A kitten I'd keep." he said scooping you back up into his arms.
He came and kissed you deeper this time and you moaned again. Your body was over heating to his touch. He brought his lips down to your neck and took a little nibble from the side. You gasped with a little moan and you moved back for a moment to look at him. He gave you a smile,
"You're turned on aren't you?" he said.
"Please don't say things like that. I haven't-"
"It's okay baby. We're going slow remember?" he said before kissing your forehead.
He locked his fingers with yours again and continued walking with you.
"I've just noticed you've been really happy lately. That makes me happy. It makes me excited because you're getting better." he said.
"I think the tranquilzer she gives me is stronger than she thought. "
"Even if it is she's going to reduce it. She doesn't want you dependant on them and neither do I."
"I don't want to go back to how I was." you said.
"You won't be. I have confidence in you." he said smiling down at you.
You looked up at him and smiled but when you looked in front of you, you thought about what Seonghwa just did and the feeling that rose in you. You weren't sure you were ready to do that again.
"Seonghwa we've been dating for a little more than a month now." you said.
"Yeah, it's incredible isn't it. Even Ju Kyung is relieved at the progress you've made. He honestly thought I may make things worse for you." he said.
"I thought I'd make things worse for you." you said.
He looked at you and kissed your forehead. You two stopped at the traffic light and he looked down at you. You turned more to face him and looked up at his face.
"You want to do that kind of stuff with me don't you?" you asked.
He raised his eyebrows but then chuckled a little before rasing his free hand to your chin. His thumb played with your bottom lip as he said,
"Well I think it's only natural to want to do those types of things with someone you love."
"You can do those types of things without loving someone too." you said.
"Yes you can but it's better when you love someone. It's intimate, it's beautiful and knowing that you're making that person feel so good with you, it's amazing." he said.
"You're making my heart race."
"But you're not breathless." he said dipping down to kiss you softly.
He took your hand and crossed the street with you before saying,
"But we don't have to rush to do those things. We can wait until you're ready. I'd rather you be comfortable enough with me to let me touch you that way."
"Someone's touched me before Seonghwa, does that bother you?" you asked.
His hand tightend a little on yours and you felt bad.
"I don't even know if you know you told him this. Ju Kyung said you were drunk when you let it slip." he said.
You looked up at him confused.
"The guy that had you first. He didn't do it right and that's what bothers me. That he didn't treat you right, things like that hurt for a girl on their first time sometimes it still hurts after a few times, for him to be rough and inconsiderate- it pisses me off. You know I'd never treat you that way." he said looking down at you.
Your eyes teared up a little so you smiled through it,
"You don't mind?"
"Of course not. I love you, it doesn't matter if you've had sex before. I'm here now, so when you're ready I'll show you how a man is supposed to make love to a woman." he smiled before kissing your nose than your lips.
"That's exciting." you whispered.
"Isn't it? I can hardly wait to hear you say my name." he smiled.
He pulled you into the building so that you two could take the elevator up to the rose garden. The place had a nice romantic atmosphere and you were feeling more loved than you ever thought possible. Anxiety...
She went into hibernation...
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