Who: Reader x Lee Seonghwa
What: Angst, Smut (eventually) some fluff.
Story: Social anxiety is the worst thing to deal with. It's amazing you have friends at all but when your crush and friend, Seonghwa, tries to get closer to you your Anxiety and trust issues threaten to push him away.
Myung Joon's POV
Myung Joon never really regreted much in his life. For the most part everything he did was because he wanted to do it. He went against his parents wishes because he wanted to be a Dj instead he went by the name DJ Wegun and he made a name for himself. He was doing gigs around Korea and people loved seeing him at the club. He had women coming to ask him out, they flirted, they slept with him. He had money. By all appearances Myung Joon had it all. For the most part...
He didn't have any regrets...
He couldn't remember the last time he saw her but she was young, they both were but she was really young. She was broken and he knew it. He didn't care then it took him years to care now. She was a little wall flower. She was silent around everyone and for some reason Soo Hyuk couldn't stand her. He thought she was too arrogant, he said she thought she was too good to talk to him and the rest of his friends. Myung Joon didn't really listen to him about it but he never defended her when he snapped at her all the time. She was just sheepish and to herself she wasn't the type of outgoing person that he was. He could easily communicate with people where as Y/n, it was difficult just to get her to say hi. He had one picture of her locked away somewhere in the house every year it seemed like he was finding the picture and then placing it in a new place only to forget he had it. In a sense, his guilt of the last time he saw her plagued him. On the outside, he seemed fine but he had internalized most of that. He didn't want the people around him seeing that he still had feelings for the girl that had left him. He didn't want people calling him weak because he felt guilty. He didn't want to give anyone a reason to say anything bad to him. His image was always on the line.
But he was guilty.
He hadn't been tried by his peers but damn it he was guilty none-the-less.
The way she hyperventilated during it, she was crying before but she had lost so much of her breath and he just told her to get used to it, to push through it because he was horny. He didn't even remember if she was or not. He didn't pay attention to what she wanted. He was just all about himself and for that he felt guilty. When he came back to Seoul, he was trying to look for her. Soo Hyuk found out and tried hard to tell him to leave her alone and that he really didn't need her. She left him, she had probably moved on already if she had moved past her issues. She never elaborated on any of it he knew one half of the story that was it but even that half wasn't enough to really know her. She probably hooked up with him out of reluctance anyway. She was by herself at sixteen in her own home and he was twenty something at the time. She was vulnerable, that was probably what attracted him to her. He liked that she seemed like easy prey. He inteded to use her for a good time. She was a good girl to have on his shoulder, she was pretty and she didn't say much to fuck up his life.
Damn he was selfish back then.
She probably knew it too. She probably knew he was with her out of convience, he liked her but it was more that he was using her than anything else. She confused him alot; he was never really sure what she was thinking but her face always changed from stotic to pain, anger and even hollow. She used to whipser to herself 'stop it' like she had been talking to someone or telling herself not to think a certain way. She was never paraonid about him cheating either, which he did and if she knew he was doing it she never said a word about it. He thought he was getting away with it so it was fine for him to continue. When she left him, he questioned why he was with her in the first place. He questioned why she let him touch her if she never wanted him in the first place. She was confusing.
He missed her.
It had been some years, he thought he let her go but every now and again he'd be reminded of how she slipped her hand into his so that he couldn't leave her behind. He got annoyed when she walked away during parties and hid in the bathroom for at least an hour just sitting there trying to rally up courage to come back out. He missed the way she whispered in her sleep. She did it all the time it was the cutest thing. She was the most vulnarable then. She must've had nightmares or relived her drama in her dreams because she would always be apologizing in her whispers. There were constant apologizes to people that she wouldn't talk about even if he asked her. He remember her not always being with him. Physically she was there but mentally she was so far away it seemed like she forgot he existed for a moment.
He saw the scars on her stomach. She never talked about them but he saw that every now and again there would be knew ones which he realized was her cutting. He was so harsh with her when he confronted her about it too.
"Who the fuck cuts on their stomach anyway? Are you looking to die or are you just doing stupid shit to get attention?" He snapped at her one night when he noticed a deeper scar."
He had no right to talk to her like that, even if he was upset he had no right but in the moment and in the moments that followed he truly didn't care. He hated cutters with a passion. It mostly had to do with his best friend as a kid who was a cutter himself, he tried helping him but his help did no good. He was found some months later in the bathtub with his wrists cut open. It was the worst thing he ever went through. Seeing her scars only pissed him off and reminded him of that moment. She was in pain he wasn't trying to help her he was just beating her down. Alot of the anger he held towards his friend for taking his life was lashed out on her. She was holding onto something though. She wanted someone to save her, he was only realizing that now.
Soo hyuk walked into his studio a month ago, plopping down on the sofa and saying,
"So you'll never guess who I fucking saw today." he grinned at him.
"That spoiled little bitch you used to date. You're still looking for her right?" he said
"Could you stop calling her that? She wasn't a bitch, as I recall you were the one that snapped at her first and the most honestly."
"Why are you still hung up over her anyway it's been what six years now? How the hell have you held a torch for her this long?" he looked at him annoyed.
Myung Joon sighed,
"I grew up okay. She was a good girl and I was a jackass looking for a good lay someone to look good beside me. I didn't care about how she felt. Honestly, in a way I judge her for not leaving me sooner."
"Well she's moved on apparently. She's got some pretty boy as a boyfriend. She plays fragile very well. He was very protective of her."
"She's really dating again?" he asked baffled.
"Why do you care bro? I mean you've dated plenty of sexier chicks than her and at least they know what their doing. Try getting blown by a virgin you tell me how enjoyable that is." he laughed.
"She was just always so shy I didn't think that she would. I mean I dated for sex, I never cared about the girls I dated I was just doing it for a good time. She was more like a reluctant passenger."
"And this is the woman you want to be with?" he snickered.
"I don't know I just feel like I should've apologized to her. I really did some fucked up shit to her."
"She slept with you and left you the next day, you really think that you did something fucked up to her?" he said.
"She did the right thing... I can't believe she's dating are you sure?"
"Leave it alone dude. She completely freaked when I told her I'd tell you. She got stiff as a board when I told her you were looking for her. Maybe she's scared you'll tell her knew love her dirty little secret." Soo Hyuk looked at him.
"Are you sure she was dating him?" he asked again.
Soo Hyuk sighed,
"Yeah I asked the guy myself and he said he was. He was very protective of her. Actually they both were."
"There was another one, short guy kind of looked like a thug. He really didn't want me near her. They were acting like her bodyguards. Entitled little princess." Soo Hyuk spit annoyed.
Myung Joon stood up and walked out of the stuido.
"Yah! Where are you going?" Soo Hyuk yelled back at him.
He wanted to see it for himself. He wanted to see if she was really dating, he wanted to see if she had really moved on. He couldn't move on. His phone rang and his manager told him he had another three gigs lined up for him. He had to stay, he had to get back to work. He'd be busy for the month but the moment he got free time, he was going to see her. He called someone to help him.
"Kiseok can you look up someone for me? I need to find her but I'm obviously doing something wrong." he said.
"Sure what's the name?" he said.
Maybe you were teasing him too much. You were trying to test out how you felt about it honestly. Seonghwa smiled at you when you wrapped your arm around his and slowly slid your hand down his forearm. It felt weird. You ended up blushing hard and then scooting to the other side of the room to get away from him. He would just laugh and call you cute. He had been over your house everyday the past month. These passing two weeks hadn't been different. Seonghwa was cutting vegtables on the cutting board in your kitchen while you sat on the counter in a bit of a pout. You just stared at him but you had the oddest thought.
Her voice hadn't bothered you in weeks.
Your mind wasn't free but she was silent. Anxiety was loosing her power over you slowly. It was like she lost her voice but she still had some effects on you. It was the oddest feeling. You had a little pout on your face, not because you missed it like she said you would but you knew she was holding you back from sleeping with him. Your body was warming as you saw his broad shoulders define as he cut into vegetables silently. The muscles were perfect, his body was fit he was beautiful. Your heart was skipping and you wanted to try again but you just didn't know how. You weren't sure you could handle touching him again and then caving, you weren't sure he could either. You were biting you lip while watching him.
"It's been almost thirty four days since you've had an attack." Seonghwa mused as he was putting the vegtables in the brooth on the stove.
"That long?" you hummed not really realizing that was a huge record for you.
"You're doing really well but Soo Ran wants to reduce your dosage and she thinks you're ready to try talking to two- shit." he had turned around to look at you while he was talking.
Your bottom lip slipped from between your teeth and you were staring at him like you wanted him to come eat you up. You never felt a want for a man like this. You blinked when he cursed and then looked away embarrased at yourself.
"Don't bite your lip babe," he walked over to you and lifted your chin so you could see him.
"Not unless you want me to take you." he said pecking your lips.
You wrapped your arms around his neck,
"I'm not ready for her to reduce it." you said.
"You can't become dependant on it."
"What if I go back to the way I was? I've never been this free before." your voice went from a normal volume to a whisper.
You didn't even realize it until your lips where so close to his you were breathing him in. He was really close. Your eyes were a bit wide. Seonghwa looked at you a bit stunned and pecked your lips thinking that's what you wanted. You shook your head,
"I want you." you whispered.
You sat up straight and Seonghwa cupped your face and kissed you hard. He stole your breath, his lips crashed against yours and his tongue warred with yours. You gripped onto his shirt while sitting on the counter. He moved closer between your legs and you felt a bulge hit your leg. Your heart leapt and you moved back to get off his lips. You looked at him; he was panting and he looked up at you.
"Don't say that until you mean it okay. I don't know how long I can hold back." he said.
"I do mean it! I mean I think I do. It's just- I- don't know what I'm doing. I've had sex once and it wasn't really sex I guess. It hurt so much and he just didn't ca-"
"I'm not him." he said sternly.
He looked you in the eyes and cupped your cheek. Your face was probably like a cherry now. His eyes were intense.
"I'm not into fucking someone. I told you when you were ready I'd teach you how a man makes love to his woman. I can show you that now if you're ready but you have to trust me."
"You have to Y/N. I'll be touching you and kissing you everywhere. I'll see you exposed and you'll see me. You understand that? We're both going to be at our most vulnerable." he said.
"You can be vulnerable?" you said a bit surprised.
"I can when it's someone I love. I can let you see sides of me you'd never see anywhere else." he said.
Your heart was racing, his words were sweet enough to kill you. He was looking at you like he wanted you to say yes. You wanted to say yes. You were trying to tell him but the word wasn't forming but your body was screaming it. You leaned down to kiss him again. He held your cheek and kissed you slowly, deeply, intimately. His tongue was slow and smooth the way it explored your mouth. His hands wrapped around your body and trailed up your back. He broke the kiss to look you in the eyes. His eyes were blown, he looked hot.
"Trust me." he said.
You weren't able to speak so you nodded. He picked you up off the counter you wrapped your legs around him and he stopped to turn off the stove before he headed to your bedroom. He mostly kept eye contact with you as he walked there and you just couldn't believe you were doing this. You could already feel your core getting wet. It was such an odd feeling but this also meant that Seonghwa would see you naked. You would see him naked too. He set you on the bed and you looked up at him leaning over your body to kiss you. You got nervous but not anxiety nervous you just thought about the way Myung Joon did it. He had just snuck you out of no where. He stripped you quick but Seonghwa was moving slow. His hand grazed your thigh slowly, sneaking under your dress while he massaged it a little. He went back to kissing you and his hand trailed away from your thigh and to your heat. You gasped in his mouth when you felt his finger met your clit. You gripped onto his arm. You were shaking. He pulled away to look in your eyes, his hand continued to play on your clit through your panties gently while his other hand came up to brush hair away from your face. He dipped his lips down to your neck and kissed you softly. You felt his tongue lick your neck and you moaned while rolling your head back to give him more access. You felt his lips form a smile against your stomach while he continued to toy with you. Your panties were getting soaked and you started to shift on the bed from feeling uncomfortable in wet panties. He pulled away from your neck after sucking on it.
"You're gonna have a nice little mark there." he whispered.
He touched the area he had sucked on and looked at it lovingly. There was a smile on his face as he looked at it then he looked up at you. He took in a breath,
"Are you ready?" he asked.
You didn't know but you didn't want it to stop. He stood up straight and decided to remove his shirt first. Your eyes got wide looking at his naked upper body. You flushed crimson and turned your head in embarrassment. He lifted your chin to look back at him. He bent over and said,
"You need to look at me Kitten. Don't turn your eyes from me."
His voice was sweet like berries and smooth like chocolate. He brought both your hands to the front of his jeans. He led them up his body slowy and your eyes watched them trail up his perfectly smooth skin. He leaned over to you so you could feel his chest. His body was hard and you were enjoying the way he felt at your finger tips. You swallowed hard, he leaned over you more and covered your lips with his own. His hand pulled at the zipper to your dress and he started to move it down shoulder by shoulder, slowly. He pushed it past your pink bra and he smiled at it but continued pulling it down while he led you down to the bed. You stopped him just as he reached your stomach.
"Wait Seonghwa." you said panting.
"Calm your breathing Y/n. You don't have to be scared. I'll go slow."
"Seonghwa- I have-" you looked away from him.
"I told you don't look away from me babe. I need to see those pretty eyes." He said before he kissed your cheek.
"I can't." you said tearing up.
"What is it baby? What don't you want me to see?" he asked caressing your cheek.
"I have scars." you said weakly.
"That's okay. Baby you're mine a few scars aren't going to scare me away from you. I want you regardless."
"You're beautiful so it cancels out." he smiled.
"I made them Seonghwa."
He dipped his head down to kiss you. He kissed your tears away, he kissed your cheek, your neck, down the valley between your breast still caputred in the bra.
"Let me see them. Trust me Y/n, I'm not going anywhere, you're not scaring me away. I love you remember." he said.
Your heart was twisiting and more tears ran down your face but you allowed him to pull the dress down all the way. He pulled it all the way off of you leaving you in just your panties and bra. You covered your eyes crying silently, ashamed of the scars you placed on yourself. Then his lips met your stomach, he grabbed your hand and locked fingers with you. You looked down at him and he looked up at you.
"I love you Y/n. They don't matter to me, I love you so much they'll never bother me. All I see is you." he said.
You felt your heartbreak and reassemble in a second.
"Seonghwa." you whined his name as you pulled him close to kiss you.
You kissed him deeply but his hands continued their work, slipping from yours for a moment he pulled your panties off of you. He looked down and almost growled.
"Fuck." he said looking down at you.
You still felt utterly embarrassed. He touched your bare clit, making you moan loudly into the palm of your hand. He looked up and pulled your hand from your mouth. His fingers slid down your slick folds,
"So wet." he mused.
He looked back at you and smiled that boyish smile. You some how felt safe and worried at the same time. His finger pushed inside of you and you gasped. Your back rose from the bed and you gripped the sheets. He moved it slowly in and out of you. You were amazed by the sensations going through your body. Almost electrfying. You eyes rolled back in pleasure and you couldn't resist letting out how you felt. He let the finger hook inside of you and you mewled feeling him hit an amazing spot. Your heart was racing, you were breathless but you weren't in anxiety, you were in something so much better. You were descending into euphoria. A second finger entered at the same time you felt his lips cover your clit. You looked down at him with your mouth open and your eyes in a haze. You were breathing normally but somehow it felt different and uneven. Your legs opened more, unintentionally but it felt good. You felt his tongue on your clit licking at it. Blood was rushing to your heat, you could feel it contract around his fingers. Your hand went down to his hair,
"Oh my god- Seonghwa." you breathed.
You felt the smile on his lips, you let out loud moans as you threw your head back in pleasure. Your legs raised but his hand pushed one down. His mouth worked more on your clit while his fingers continued torturing your hole. It still hurt in the beginning but the pleasure was blinding and far exceeded the pain. You were losing your breath, you felt something building in your body.
"S-Seonghwa. S-Stop something-something, uhhhh." you moaned deeply.
You weren't able to say it. He continued kissing your clit before he pulled away and took his fingers with him. You whined at the loss of his fingers and his lips. You watched as he smiled and licked his fingers clean. You were amazed how calm and collected he was. He kissed you and you could taste what he had been licking up the entire time. This was so much, you knew about oral sex but Myung Joon hadn't done that with you. He hadn't done most of the things Seonghwa was doing to you. He wrapped his arms around you one more time to take off your bra but your arms hugged your body to cover them up as soon as he took it off. He chuckled,
"You're cute when you're shy like this." he said.
He stood up while you covered yourself and his hand went to his belt and you noticed he was getting rid of his pants. Your heat clenched and ached in wanting. Your heart was racing and you were scared but you watched intensly as he slid his pants down his legs leaving his briefs on. He came closer to and you could feel the blood rush to your face. You looked up to his face to see him smile and then your eyes fell back down to watch him pull his briefs down, slowly exposing his entire body to you. You looked at him hard and standing up in front of you.
"Scoot back a little babe." he said.
You did so using your hands to pull you back and you didn't realize until you were far back enough that he could now see all of your naked body.
"We're naked." You said breathless.
"That we are." he said.
"I'm scared." you admitted.
"I know. Remember, we'll go slow." he said.
"We're moving fast, everything feels like lightning speed right now."
"That's because your heart is racing for me kitten. I'll let you in on a secret,"
He sat down next to you and took your hand and pressed it to his heart,
"Mine is beating a mile a minute for you." he said.
You could feel his heart thumping and the amazement that his heart could beat as fast as yours in the same rhythm had you baffled and wonderfully happy. You tried not to cry but it was so wonderful your heart was sobbing. You were laughing slightly through tears.
"I love you." you cried.
He breathed in disbelief and came over to kiss you,
"I live for those words. I live for you Y/n." He said.
He brought your hand to his heat and you heard him moan and his voice was amazing. It spurred you on more. He guided your hand up his length, his hips kind of moved into your hand impatiently. His breath was hot and heavy; he came down to kiss you while he continued to teach you how to please him. You heard him hiss and it was so sexy, his nose was scrunched in pleasure as he let out a groan. He pushed you down to the bed,
"Tell me you're ready kitten." he said looking as if he were an animal ready to attack.
"Don't hurt me." you said worried.
"I wouldn't dare." he said.
He lowered to find your entrance and you looked down to see him peeked right there. You were nervous beyond belief. Last time this happened it hurt so much. He lowered to your body so that his chest was against yours. He let you wrap your arms around him tightly before he slowly crept inside you.
"Ah!" You cried at the first feeling of his larger member proding into you.
The deeper he moved the more you constricted around him.
"Fuck babe you're tight." he said.
He pulled your body closer to his and started to move a little more. You cried in his arms, your lips pressed to his collarbone. You nipped at his skin by accident but he moaned at it.
"Fuck Kitten." he groaned.
He lifted your butt higher and he felt deeper than before. Your legs wrapped around his waist. He continued his slow thrusts until he was sure you were used to them. He looked up at you, he cradled the back of your head and kissed you before he slowly rose and looked down at you with dark eyes. He drove into you a little harder making your body roll in almost a wave. You squeezed onto the bedsheets. You cried out his name and he only responded with your name in deep moans.
"Seonghwa, I can't anymore." you whined.
"You're gonna cum Y/n- let it happen kitten. We'll come together." he said.
He came back down to you, moving a little faster and the pressure building in your loins was growing to the point it was ready to spill over. He grabbed your hand and laced his fingers with yours.
"Cum with me. Come on." he coaxed you.
It didn't take much, your body jerked up from the bed, convulsed and tightened around him while he shot hot stickiness inside of you. You gasped in disbelief as you shook and came down from the high. You were panting and completely worn out. You were in amazement looking up at him. He smiled tiredly at you. You were panting on the bed. He stopped his movements and brought his hand to your head. He brushed your hair away from your face it, it was sticking to you from the sweat. He kissed your lips softly before coming up for a second to whisper,
He stayed inside of you, he was laying on top of you before he rolled over so you were on top of him. You laid your head on his chest.
"That was my first time." you whispered.
He looked at you confused.
"Myung Joon pushed me into an anxiety attack so quickly that I didn't feel any pleasure I was just scared and in pain. He never finished. That was my first time feeling-"
"An orgasm?" he chuckled and led your head down to his chest.
"You have no idea how happy that makes me. I'm the first man to make you feel good."
The first one you've ever loved. You drifted to sleep while he ran his fingers through your hair...
You woke up in the middle of the night and used his shirt as coverage while you headed to the kitchen for something to drink. This was the first night he stayed over. That means when you woke up he'd still be there. That was an exhilerating feeling. You looked at the clock and the food that was supposed to be cooked. You two fell asleep pretty early, it was only ten thirty. You grabbed a water bottle from the fridge when you heard something coming from the front door. You walked over cautiously and peeked past the wall to see. You looked to the hall and saw Seonghwa coming out with his pants on and he looked like he was looking for you.
"Babe what are you doing?" he said
You motioned for him to be quiet and pointed to the door. He looked at it and walked over to peek through the hole. There was a knock at the door. He looked back at you, you shook your head worried. He lowered his hand so you could calm down. He opened the door and said,
"Can I help you?"
"Uh- Is this? I was looking for someone."
You looked over to see past Seonghwa's shoulder but you dropped the water bottle that was in your hand when you saw him. Seonghwa looked back at you and you dropped to your knees shaking. He hurried to you without closing the door.
"Y/n." you heard him say.
"Myung- Joon." you said breathless....
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